Cemetery Junction Page #6

Don't know if you saw him.

Guy over there?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, he looks happy.

-He's not happy at all, mate.

He's got physical problems as well.

He was born with too many organs.

He's got both sets of genitals.

Penis, vagina, and another little

dangly thing, don't know what that is.

-Yeah.

-Anyway, he's a big fan of music.

-Really likes you guys.

-Right, yeah.

Quite like to sing a song with you,

maybe some Slade.

He was over here earlier.

I thought he was a bit, you know.

Oh, yeah, he's a bit-- Yeah.

-Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

-Thank you so much.

He's not gonna go to the toilet

up here, is he?

Just because it's dangerous

with electrics.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a special guest here tonight...

...a little chap

who's going through a lot.

We wanna make one of his wishes

come true.

Please welcome to the stage Snork.

-No, it's Paul.

-Paul Snork.

No.

Thanks. There's more if you want it.

I'm an all-round entertainer.

-Well, he's certainly round.

-Oh, jokes. I got some jokes.

Why does Noddy wear a hat

with a bell on it?

-No!

-Because he's a c*nt.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I got carried away

with the clapping and the cheering.

-I thought they'd find it funny.

-They didn't.

Not our fault

they haven't got a sense of humor.

They have.

They like classy stuff

like Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare.

Why do you care

about what they think?

Because I work with these people.

My boss is out there.

I don't wanna wind up

back in a factory.

-Like me?

-Yes, like you.

-I don't wanna be back doing that.

-You'd rather do this, would you?

Dead from the neck up like them?

Trotting along to these funerals

to eat free food?

There's a ladder I can climb.

Five years, I have my own office.

Your own office?

Didn't know you'd get your own office.

What are you gonna have?

In 30 years I could be driving home

to my big house in my Rolls-Royce.

That's why I care.

I wanna do something with my life.

-I'm doing something. I'm leaving.

-What you doing?

-Getting out of here.

-You keep going on about leaving.

It's never gonna happen.

You're not going anywhere.

-Why not?

-Because you're scared to leave.

I'm not scared.

If you said you were coming,

I'd be gone in a second.

Yeah, but I'm not coming with you,

am I?

As long as you stay,

you're a big fish in a small pond...

...and can blame everyone

for holding you back.

As soon as you leave...

...you'd have to face the fact

that you're nobody.

You're nothing special.

You're just like me, just like them,

and like your dad.

-I'm not like my dad.

-You are.

-I'm not like my f***ing dad, Freddie.

-Okay.

You're never gonna be like them.

You're never gonna have a big car

or a fancy house.

-No?

-No. And do you know why?

Because you're a sh*t salesman

and you're not smart enough.

I'm a better salesman.

Snork can sell better than you.

And even if you could sell, Freddie,

you're still never gonna be like them.

-Why not?

-Because you're not a c*nt.

Too loud?

Yeah. It's also the second time

one of you has used that word.

-It's time you went.

-What was the first?

That was the reason Noddy had a bell

on his hat.

Of course.

Now you've got an anecdote.

--the North Vietnamese...

...had we not had secret negotiations

prior to the Soviet summit...

...had we not had secret negotiations

over a period of time...

...with the Chinese leaders....

Snorky.

Oh, dear,

someone take a happy tablet.

So why do they call you Snork?

Because I've got a nose for....

I bought these glasses, and I thought

they made me look like Elton John...

...but they make me look like Snork

from The Banana Splits.

He's my favorite.

What's that, a book?

Why are you reading a book?

You don't learn nothing from books.

You ever actually read a book, Nan?

Ever been inside a library?

I've been in loads of libraries.

-When was the last time?

-Last Thursday. Your dad took me.

-She needed to sh*t. She did.

-Len.

It's not a book. National Geographic.

With birds in the jungle

with their tits out.

Put it away, then. It's disgusting.

I do not want jungle tits at the table.

Look. Look how tiny England is.

France is only five hours away.

We could leave

and by 12 we'd be in Paris.

-Why?

-Why go to Paris?

There's parts of Reading

you haven't seen.

-Food's awful in France.

-Supposed to be the best in the world.

-You're joking.

-Horses, snails, frogs' legs.

-They'd eat anything.

-Only thing they won't put...

-...in their mouth is a toothbrush.

-Stink.

Yeah, famous for it,

breathy French pigs.

-Well, Africa looks beautiful.

-Africa? You know it's full of blacks.

That's where black people live.

You say that, but you won't

have to go there soon to see one...

...because they're all

coming here, boy.

Lazy, nicking our bleeding jobs.

-Are they lazy or nicking our jobs?

-Yeah.

-You sound like a hippie, Freddie.

-Nothing like an intellectual debate.

Sound like one of them BBC queers.

You're not a crafty butcher, are you?

-Crafty butcher?

-Likes meat delivered round the back.

-He's not. Are you?

-No, shut up.

Better not be.

Better not be, not in this house.

It never occurred to you there might be

more to life than working...

...eating and watching the telly?

There's an Arab proverb that says:

"Throw your heart out

and run ahead to catch it."

That was before they got all the oil.

No Arabs running around today.

They're not chasing anything.

Getting their butlers to do it.

They're so rich, the Arabs,

they just live in tents, right...

...full of food all the time.

They eat food just for the sake of it

because they've got so much money.

Hello, Mrs. Waring.

Thanks to customers

such as yourself...

...I've finally passed my probation

and I've got my own business cards.

-Well done.

-If you need anything....

I do need something.

I'm sure you're very busy,

but I need to make a claim.

-Oh, what's that for?

-My husband.

Yeah? What's he been up to?

Dent the car again?

He died.

I'm so sorry.

He was moving the aerial,

then he slipped...

...and he landed just there.

He was dead instantly.

He broke his neck.

Wish we'd done that holiday now.

When are we leaving?

Bored?

-How did you get up here?

-Well, I climbed up a vine.

Climbed a vine?

What are you, Tarzan?

-I came to say goodbye.

-Your phone not working?

I'm leaving. You inspired me.

You and your ancient Arab proverbs.

What do you mean?

First thing tomorrow, 9 a.m.,

we're gone.

That's exciting.

Come out, it's our leaving party.

We're going to the Majestic.

It's the best club in the world.

It's, like, so....

Majestic?

You'll never guess who I saw.

Danny Cresser.

-No way.

-Yeah, outside the pet shop.

It was so weird.

I was, like, just going in,

and he was coming out.

And you remember

he used to be so quiet in school?

He was, like, talking and....

-Hi, Bruce.

-Hi, darling.

-Come with us.

-No, there's no way I can go tomorrow.

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