Central Intelligence Page #2

No.

The guy who got beaten up

by Trisha Demarco at homecoming?

No.

The kid that tried to rap along to

Coolio's 1,2,3,4 at the talent show

but then he kinda lost his way,

midway through

so he just started bopping his head,

and he stood there?

No. Nothing.

The guy who got thrown out the gym,

butt-ass-naked, senior year?

Oh, my God, yeah!

Why wouldn't you start with that?

Because I thought that was kind of mean.

I don't know.

He never came back

to school after that, right?

Like, not for finals

or graduation or anything.

Didn't he join the military or something?

I'm not sure. I don't know if he did or not,

but he changed his name to "Bob Stone"

and apparently he's in town

for the high school reunion.

He wants to go to dinner tonight,

and I kinda already said "yes."

- Okay.

- If you want me to cancel,

I will. You know?

If that's what you want, I don't mind.

Mmm-mmm. I mean,

it's a little weird, but whatever.

I'll just see if the doctor

can fit us in tomorrow.

- How about at lunch time?

- Okay. All right, fine.

Okay, good. I love you.

I love you, too, babe. I do.

- Oh, my...

- What is that?

- Okay.

- Calvin? Are you...

Love you. Bye-bye.

No!

Stop, stop!

Hey, man. I...

Hey! What's up, guys?

Congratulations on that promotion, man.

It's quite the thing.

Thank you.

Hey, that's not work appropriate.

Yup.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

Hey, forward that to me.

For real man, seriously?

Yeah. Watch it, punk.

Excuse you, too.

My man!

Back the f*** up!

- Whoa!

- Back up, man!

Fine. I'll give you these fists.

I'll fist your ass.

Calvin. It's me, Bob.

What? Sorry, do I know you?

Do you know...

Robbie Wheirdicht from high school!

Are you kidding? What?

- Wait, you're Robbie Wheirdicht?

- Yeah!

God, man, look at you!

You've lost, like, 200 pounds!

I see you gained it back in muscle.

Oh, my God! You look great!

- No, you look great!

- Stop it.

No, you haven't changed

since high school, dude!

No, you're just sexy as dick right now.

You don't look somebody

in the eyes and say that.

Hey, let's get hammered.

I got an early day at work,

so I'll probably...

No, come on, I'm buying!

Oh, sh*t.

Mmm.

I'm sorry, man. I am blown away right now.

Dude, you used to be Fat Robbie.

Look at you!

This is like a total transformation.

You look like Hercules or somebody.

What did you do? Come on, give it to me.

- I didn't do much, really.

- Stop it.

All right. I just did one thing.

Come on, I need to know.

I worked out six hours a day, every day,

for the last 20 years straight.

- I mean, anybody can do it, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I've gotten into hot yoga.

I started doing some sessions.

Uh-huh.

Nice unicorn, man.

Oh, yeah, I'm big-time into 'corns.

So magical, right?

You know, they're the most

lethal animal on the planet.

Here you go.

Guys, my name's Lexi.

Just let me know if you need anything.

Okay.

I mean, like, anything at all.

Okie-dokie.

You're funny. Do you ever, like, Snapchat?

- Oh, no. You know...

- I wasn't talking to you.

No, no, no. I don't do that.

I'm just catching up

with an old friend from high school.

Aw. You're so sweet.

I think unicorns are sexy, too.

That must happen to you

all the time, right?

Ah, nah.

I mean, all that meaningless sex is just...

It's not my bag anymore, CJ.

No, now, I'm looking for

more of an emotional connection.

The next woman I lay with,

she's gonna be beautiful on the inside,

just as much as she is on the outside.

Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that

girl that you liked in high school?

Oh, God, man. The "Doogie Howser" girl.

She was 14, but somehow she was a senior.

She wore a cape.

- Darla McGuckian.

- Darla McGuckian.

"Yucky Gucky."

- Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?

- Two of 'em.

Right.

Hey, but listen,

I don't wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about you.

I heard that

you and Maggie Johnson got hitched.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, man, right after college.

Wow! The prettiest girl in school,

and the coolest guy in school!

Oh, man, I got lucky.

I mean, you guys are like

a power couple, dude!

- No, no.

- Yes!

You're like Taylor Swift

and whoever she's dating right now.

- Power.

- Uh, thanks!

Yeah. You guys got kids?

No. No kids yet.

We planned on it after college,

but Maggie went to law school,

I kept changing jobs.

You know, having kids just

isn't in our cards right now.

Not at this point, that's all.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah.

I don't wanna talk about

me and Maggie and myself.

What about you? What are you doing?

I didn't even ask you, man.

What do you do for work?

I'm a government contractor.

Okay, that's cool.

Like, what, buildings and stuff?

Yeah, sort of.

But I kinda just got fired.

- Oh, sh*t! I'm sorry, man.

- Oh, it's okay.

Screw those guys, anyway.

They're way too corporate.

'Cause dudes like me and you,

I mean, we're alpha dogs, right?

I mean, we're pathfinders

and trailblazers.

And we don't listen

to what anyone tells us, right?

- Yeah, right.

- Yeah.

I mean, come on, man,

I sorta path-find a little bit

along certain preapproved parameters

that are given to me.

I'm willing to path-find

but it's all about how it's set up.

But within the box that I have, I go nuts.

You'll be surprised.

I had a guy tell me the other day,

"Hey, Calvin, you know,

I need those accounting numbers back

"from, you know, the file."

- I said, "Go f*** yourself, Jim."

- Yeah.

I didn't say it

because I wasn't in my box,

- but I thought about it.

- Exactly! Yeah! Yeah!

I got an idea. Let's do shots!

No!

I'm sorry for saying it like that, but no.

I haven't had shots

in almost 10 years, man.

What? Come on, we have to!

We're celebrating!

Celebrating what?

Celebrating that I'm hanging

with the coolest kid in high school.

- Stop it.

- Calvin Joyner!

The Golden Jet.

You got to be shitting me. Wow!

I haven't... God!

It's been forever since I heard that, man!

- I'll do one.

- All right!

- One shot.

- Shots!

No. One shot.

Just one, okay? Bob, it's been a while.

Oh, sh*t! You remember this?

This was the jammy-jam!

What's that? Is that a fanny pack, Bob?

Hell, yeah! Dude, you want one?

No, it's okay.

I got two at home. I'll hook you up.

Leather pack for The Jet.

Fanny!

Sh*t.

What the hell did I get myself into?

Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Hey, sir, somebody's

actually sitting there.

- Yeah, someone was.

- No! Hey, man!

Hey, you don't see

the sweatshirt right here?

- Man, somebody's sitting here.

- Move your meat, lose your seat.

Dude, you don't

have to be a dick about it.

Somebody's sitting in the chair.

Bro, are you seriously

gonna go there, bro?

'Cause there's only one way back, bro.

Through intensive care, bro.

Was that the last "bro"?

'Cause if it was, then I'll talk.

That supposed to be funny?

- Dude...

- You a comedian now?

'Cause you don't look like

Dane Cook to me, bro.

Hey, now!

What's the rumpus?

You know... There's no problem, man.

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