Ceremony

1

"He would not take no

for an answer.

Our young hero traveled

a great many leagues,

beneath the ocean's surface

to find his shackled mermaid,

and he had no intention

of leaving without her.

However, the evil sea king

had other plans.

Like a madman driven

by love and revenge,

the diver unsheathed

his speargun and fired.

His harpoon struck

the merman's heart,

and blood shot out

like a miniature geyser.

The bubble surrounding

the princess burst,

as two tiger sharks ravaged

the king's lifeless body,

scattering his guts across the sea

like a quilted feather pillow.

Yet, amid the melee,

the diver bent down on one knee,

and his hand held out a small pearl.

The princess smiled.

'Don't bother,' she said.

'I've already packed.'

And so they rode off

on the back of a white whale,

and with a bouquet of plankton,

they were betrothed.

The End."

Very good, very good.

Thank you.

Okay, I thought that went well

back there, don't you?

Are you kidding me?

That was amazing.

It was so great to see you

in action back there.

Yeah, it felt good.

Tell me your thoughts on the ending.

What did you think of the diver

ending up with the mermaid?

You thought that was too easy?

Easy? No, not at all.

I mean, I felt that, like, it was

the only way that it could have ended.

Yeah, I agree, and I'm the writer.

Here we go.

Are... are we in a rush

or something?

I'm not in a rush. We just got

a full weekend ahead of us.

We got so many things to do.

What is that?

Oh, just some books...

And this.

You... you recommended this to me

a long time ago.

You said you felt like

it was written about you, so...

Yeah, well...

Those were my younger

and more vulnerable years.

Do you mind, sir?

This is a bike lane, not a parking lot.

F*** you, a**hole!

This is a lot of goddamn luggage

for three days, buddy.

We're not going on safari.

We're going on a vacation.

Well, I-I wasn't exactly sure

what to be prepared for.

I mean, you weren't very specific

over the phone.

I guess I wasn't.

And... and, you know,

I wanted to look nice

if there was gonna be girls

at the hotel.

Yeah, there might be girls

at the hotel.

You need to relax, buddy.

That's not the point of the trip.

You don't have to worry yourself

about girls.

This trip is about us

going on boat rides in the sun.

We got to read some books.

I got to read things to you out loud.

You've been hiding from me

in your parents' apartment,

you little prince.

It's time to get you out of there.

Okay.

I mean, I don't really feel

like I've been hiding from you.

If anything, I feel like you've

been hiding from me, maybe.

I feel like we had lunch

not that long ago.

No. No, I don't... I'm not...

I don't think I've seen you

in like a year, Sam.

- A year?

- Yeah, at least.

A year?

I got a little present for you.

- What is this?

- Open it.

What?

It just reminds me of the buck knife

you used to carry around

in your belt loop

when we were campers.

Remember?

The one that I lost?

- Yeah.

- That's why I got it.

Whose, uh...

whose initials are these?

Those are yours, buddy.

No, it says N.B.

No, I know,

that's my friend Noah Bressman.

He doesn't use it, though.

I took it from him.

Thank you.

It's... perfect, Sam.

Happy birthday, kid.

Thanks.

It's not my birthday, though.

I know it's not your birthday,

you silly goose.

Consider it early for next year.

Oh, my God.

I've just been so busy lately

with this book, Marshall.

That's what it is. That's why

I'm so lousy at keeping in touch.

I know, I know, I know,

it's... it's fine, man.

It has nothing to do with you

personally, though.

- Yeah, and...

- You know that.

Yeah, no, I know.

I know I don't have to tell you that,

but I should.

And I do have to say that I think

it's really admirable that you're able

to, like, come up with these amazing

characters and everything

and still keep a real job

during the day, you know?

That is my real job, actually.

Waitress, can we get the check?

Thank you.

You know, I was about ready

to take on the job market myself.

I sent out some rsums,

took some meetings

that my dad set up,

and then, you know,

the whole disaster happened,

and I had to move back in

with my parents,

and, you know, at first

it was hard for me

to even leave my own room,

and before I knew it,

eight months had just flown on by.

Jesus Christ, Marshall,

that's what I'm saying.

The guy I know

used to be a crazed wild man.

You're nothing like that anymore.

What happened?

When did you start smoking?

Recently.

You probably shouldn't be doing it

at a gas station.

That's an old wives' tale, Marshall.

You're gonna love this hotel,

by the way, pal.

Really?

I'll tell you, it might as well

have a goddamn Michelin star.

What's it like?

It's very elegant, very warm,

got a real old-world

kind of flavor to it.

It's like they put the plaza

at the countryside.

Oh, I love that.

Right here.

Whoa, this is the place

we're staying at?

Uh, no. I think we made

a wrong turn, actually.

We're staying down the road, I think.

Oh. Huh.

Ah, she's got a lot of baggage.

Out of my way.

It's a wedding, everybody.

Let's get 'em.

Do you know these people

or something?

No, I don't know these people.

How the hell

would I know these people?

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Are you here for the weekend?

Uh, no, I think we're all right,

thanks, actually.

Yeah, we're... we're not here

for the weekend.

We... we were staying

down the road a piece.

We just made a wrong turn.

Then you should leave immediately.

This car is smoking profusely.

Unbelievable, that guy.

Honestly, can you believe that?

Yeah.

It was very condescending,

his tone, wasn't it?

I mean, I don't think

he did anything that bad.

I think he was just doing his job.

The place seemed really exclusive,

you know.

I mean, he just thought we were

middle class or something,

just by looking at us.

I mean, we are middle class.

Well, that's not the point.

Hey, pull over really fast.

I need to make a quick call.

Okay.

All righty, you should get us some

booze and snackies for the room.

I got to make a call.

Who are you gonna call?

Get whatever you'd like.

Anything.

You just gave me $2.

It should work.

Hi. It's Sam.

Hi. It's Sam.

Yeah, hi. It's Sam.

Hi. It's Sam.

Hoo...

Chief, can you just run the card

one more time?

Just run the card

one more time, sir.

Run the goddamn card

one more time, please?

He's giving me

the silent treatment.

You're gonna have to give me

your wallet, Marshall.

This guy's treating me

like I'm a frickin' criminal.

Let me explain something to you, sir.

I put money on this card last week.

There's no reason why this card

shouldn't be working right now.

That's the card, by the way.

That should go through.

Sorry, Marshall.

I'm gonna pay you back.

I put money on the card last week.

It's okay.

Just calm down.

I can't calm down, Marshall.

You should be angry, too.

How could it be unlisted?

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