Chalet Girl Page #2

Listen, a week ago I was

mopping up puke in a burger bar.

No, you listen, little Miss Essex

no-coat, non-skiing freak show.

I'm not actually from...

The Madsens fly in at five.

They expect perfection from the start.

Now, if you screw up or, more

importantly, if you make me look bad,

then clearing up puke will be a fond

memory of the good old days. Got it?

Oh!

Got it.

So I'll just make myself at home, then.

J' Farmer in my own farm

I In, out and far

I From the high ceilings

(yodelling on TW

- Look out!

- Hey!

(man shouts / children laugh)

(tutS)

it's a total nightmare.

It's not like you've got to spend

the next four months

sharing a room with her.

- Oh, no, wait, you have.

- I'm serious, babes.

It's like she's never seen snow before.

it's like she's from Africa.

A chalet girl who can't ski.

That's classic.

- Tell me about it. Later, babes.

- Later, babes.

The three golden rules

of chalet-girling.

One, no friends up in the chalet.

Two, party all you like, as long as

breakfast is on the table at eight.

- You oversleep, you pack your bags.

- Friends, breakfast, check.

Three, no sleeping with the clients.

Unless they're fit. Or minted.

Or hitting on you.

- Basically, there's only two rules.

- Basically, yeah.

We're just going to get

the essentials for now.

Right, so shall I go and get the veg?

Six tins of caviar, please. Beluga.

Caviar, right. Of course.

I'm more front-of-house type,

you're more back office.

Because I know how to talk to them.

Yeah, I don't speak much posh.

Dropped it after GCSEs.

- Do you want to prep the veg?

-I live to prep veg.

Right, carrots,

we've got a big game coming up.

I want to see each and every one of you

giving 110 per cent.

Are you done?

Yeah. I thought you said

they landed at five.

I did. But the pilot called.

They ran into some headwind.

Oh, right... The who called?

- (girl) God, he's here already.

- (Kim) Who?

(girl) The owners' all-round ski guide,

fixer and gimp.

Kim, meet the very handsome,

very powerful Bernhardt.

- You're late.

- Did I mention very charming too?

- Is this the new Hausmdchen?

- Hi.

Hey, welcome!

- So, who is everyone?

- Oh, you'll figure it out.

You know, you're going to have to stop

being so helpful all the time.

Rule three. Anyway, he's taken.

- Turned you down, did he?

- No.

So, what's the deal?

How do I, you know, talk to them?

You don't talk to them.

You don't look them directly in the eye.

- And curtsey when you meet them.

- Oh.

- Alright, needle cock?

- You old slapper.

- You OK down there?

- Yeah, yeah, just... stretching.

- Right. Is this the new helper?

- Er, something like that.

Hi, rm Kim.

Jonny. And I don't actually have

a needle cock.

- He did when he was ten.

- Hey.

I'm so excited to be back! Hi!

- Hey, Chloe.

- How are you?

- This is Milly's replacement, Kate.

- Kim.

This heartbreaker is her brother Nigel.

- Nigel. The famous Nigel.

- He really does have a tiny cock.

Hey, it's not what you got,

it's about where you put it in...

Please ignore him.

This is my dad Richard,

"Call me Dickie."

Are you following this?

- Dad, this is Kim.

- Call me Dickie.

Thank you for stepping in.

Just do whatever Georgie does.

Except that thing with her chin.

- We liked that, didn't we?

- That was a one-off.

- Speaking of one-offs...

- Hey!

Hello.

This is my wife Caroline.

Who apparently has a throat infection.

- Help us with the bags?

- Ah, yes.

- Ahem.

- Give her a chance.

I didn't say anything.

(Georgie) And lovingly topped off

with gravy, Ia me.

Back office.

Wouldn't want to steal your thunder

with the sprouts.

Oh, brilliant. Look at that!

(all exclaim)

Ibble dibble number one, with 12 ibble

dibbles calls ibble dibble number...

There. Right there.

Mmm! I want to be a profiterole.

So these guys fly in on a private jet

and their idea of fun is rubbing

a burnt cork on each ether's faces?

That's insane.

Sanity's overrated.

Tried it once, didn't get it.

Join in. We don't bite.

Well, my mum bites a bit. The rest of us

just nibble ibble dibble...

Talking crap.

- You! it's time.

- No, there's absolutely no way.

- Yes! Yes!

-I don't want to!

Georgie! Georgie! Georgie! Georgie!

OK, OK.

Hark! The Herald.

Ooh.

(makes farting sounds to tune of

"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing'Q

(mimics beatbox)

- Go, go, go.

- (Chloe) Oh, Nigel.

(Dickie) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See now, this is my idea of fun.

You should join in.

(all) J' Hark! The herald angels sing

Unfortunately I'm only grade one

at... whatever that is.

Yeah!

- You eating alright?

- Five a day. How's it going?

- It's fine.

- What are the people like?

- (excited shrieking)

- They're...

Who wants more champagne?

..fine.

If it doesn't work out, I can

always nick one of their paintings.

- (beeping)

- What's that noise?

Oh, nothing, er...

No, it's next door.

There's a truck reversing,

I think.

Listen, Kimmy,

I really miss you, you know?

I know, Dad. Me too.

(Kim) Georgie? Georgie?

It's seven.

(Georgie groans)

Rule two?

- Is this caviar?

- Sure looks like it.

Well, dig in, everyone,

and enjoy your $300 omelettes.

Jesus, Kim. You have to wake me.

I don't need you making me look bad.

- No kidding.

- (shrieks)

So what am I supposed

to do all day, then?

I don't know. I'm sure

you'll find something. Look around.

Oh, sh*t.

Wait! Stop!

- Georgie, this cake is supreme.

- Thank you, Jonny.

(Nigel) Hm-hmm! Sure is.

- This place is so magical.

- It is when you're here.

Enjoy it. You won't ski this much

when you're starting a family.

- Do I get a say in any of this?

- No, snoogles, you don't.

I'm not sure I'm ready for any of this.

Do I look like a grandfather?

- Don't answer that!

- (Chloe laughs)

Thank you. Ooh.

(shrieks)

That's hot!

I Angels watching over me

with smiles upon their face

J' Cos I have made it through this far

in an unforgiving place

J' it feels sometimes this hill's

too steep for a girl like me to climb

I But I must knock those thoughts

right down

I I'll do it in my own time

J I don't care

I I?n halfway there

J On a road that leads me

straight to who knows where

(yells)

You crazy freak!

Watch where you're going!

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Stay safe, Betty Boop.

Hang outside on the ripside!

- Yeah, and in English?

- Hang outside on the ripside.

Ciao!

.P I tell you what

I What I have found

I That I?n no fool

J I'm just upside down

I Ain 't got no cares

I I ain 't got no rules

J' I think I like

I Living upside down

I You gotta slow it down

- (yells)

- J' But then you pick it up

J' Come on and try a little topsy-tun/y

back-to-front the right way round

You blow at boarding.

But you sure are styley.

I'll take it you're not

into pink all-in-ones?

(laughs)

- Mikki. Single guy from Finland.

- Kim. Not interested from England.

- You know the skateboarding?

- A bit.

Same, same, but different.

You want some help?

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