Chaos Theory

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Give it to me straight.

Virginal bride, or...

...slut in white? Ha, ha.

- Ha, ha.

He is so lucky.

You okay in there?

I feel sick.

Oh.

You're getting nervous.

You remember last year when Jesse

and I broke up for a couple of weeks...

...and, uh, I thought she spent

those two weeks in bed...

...sad and depressed?

- Yeah.

- This morning she tells me...

...out of the blue that she spent

one of those weeks in bed with Jake Lee.

- What did you do?

- Nothing.

Good. That's good. So, what's wrong?

She slept with Jake Lee.

She slept with him for like a week.

How am I supposed to live with that?

What if all this is a mistake?

Come on,

you would've known that by now.

- Am I overreacting?

- Yes, you are.

Come on, man,

it's not like she actually cheated.

I mean, you know, you had broken up.

Right.

What would you do?

I'd be happy, man. Ha, ha.

I mean, it's Jesse.

Everyone you know wants Jesse.

- What do you mean by that?

- I didn't... I didn't...

Ahem. I didn't mean it like that.

I just, uh...

Look, you wanted this, right?

So, pull yourself together,

go out there and get married.

Ed?

Mr. Allen.

You caught me reminiscing.

A lot of memories here.

Buy you a drink?

Oh, I'd love to, Frank, but I'm kind of...

I'm in a bit of a rush.

I insist.

After all, it is the traditional function

of the father of the bride.

What is?

Keeping the groom away from back exits.

No, I was just gonna go outside,

get some air.

Your best tequila, on the rocks.

Come over here a second.

- It's tequila, right?

- Uh, none for me, thanks.

That's great. He'll have a double.

You know, I realize that you don't

know me very well, Ed.

You and Jesse down at school,

my wife and I here, but trust me...

...you can talk to me.

Nothing really to talk about, sir.

Doubts?

No, no. No doubts.

Uh, no doubt in my mind.

I'm totally doubt-free.

I'm, uh... I'm doubtless.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what. Ahem.

Why don't we make a little list, shall we?

Let's start with doubt number one.

Uh, none.

No, I promise. None.

Uh, number one is "none."

Oh, come on, we can do better than that.

What about that thing with Jake Lee?

- She told you that?

- Two weeks, last year.

Two weeks? She told me a week.

One, two, most of Lent,

that's hardly the point.

That's not why you're eyeing the exit.

Jake Lee's an excuse.

Tell me something, Ed.

Do you love her?

Yeah, of course I do.

Then maybe, just maybe,

you're wondering...

...why it isn't pure and constant.

Why all of these ups and downs.

Conviction, then doubt?

How can something that feels

so right one moment...

...make you so queasy the next?

Relax.

Life is a mess.

All you have to do is choose to love her

the best way that you know how.

You know,

I've really gotta get out of here. Um...

Thank you for the advice and the drink...

You know, I've had a marriage

of ups and downs.

Oof.

Dazzling extremes. Perhaps you've

never heard the full account?

Frankly, Frank, another time.

- Maybe Christmas?

- Not really a Christmas story.

Tell you what.

One says "walk."

And the other says "talk."

Pick one. You choose.

Pick the one that says "walk"

and you'll be free of me.

Pick the one that says "talk"

and, well...

You're kidding, right?

No.

ED:

I get the feeling sometimes, Mr. Allen,

that you don't like me very much.

I like Jake Lee.

But my daughter loves you.

Which means you have

a great capacity to hurt her.

And you've never done a damn thing

to prove to me that you won't.

Like I said, my marriage...

...has been one of extremes.

Certainty and doubt. Deceit and truth.

But it started with truth.

And it started right here in this hotel.

In this very room.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- How you doing, man?

- Good.

- Resolutions, huh?

- Yeah.

I always make mine on December 29th.

That way I only have 48 hours

to feel bummed about not keeping them.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Hey, have you seen Susan yet?

Uh, no, she's always late.

Have you seen her lately?

No, not since Teddy's party last week.

Teddy had a party?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Was she there with anyone, or, uh?

- No, not really.

Oh. Which is it? "Not" or, uh, "really"?

It's hard to say.

Careful, Frank,

she'll leave nothing but your bones.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Amen.

- Amen.

All right, okay.

Resolutions, who's got one?

- Sherri?

- Thank you. Take off five pounds.

- Oh, come on.

- Take it off now.

Your turn, Frank.

- Okay. I, uh...

I resolve to be bolder.

What a dick. God.

Well, I resolve to fall in love.

Okay.

This is getting a little kinky now, kids.

- That's pretty ambitious.

- I am almost holding your hand.

Okay, next, next. Who, who?

- Come on, Susan.

- Okay, okay. Uh, um...

I resolve to buy a motorcycle.

A red Harley.

Nice. Nothing nicer or sexier

than a chick on a hog.

I resolve to stop you from doing that.

Why? Don't you like motorcycles

or something?

It's just that 95 percent of riders

get injured in the first six months.

- Here we go.

- You memorized the stats?

And 55 percent of riders

get seriously injured.

But it gets better than that.

Do you know what doctors call riders

that don't wear a helmet?

- No, tell us.

- Sexy.

Organ donors.

Organ donors. Yeah.

Just, look, promise me

that you'll always wear a helmet.

Somebody take the pole out of his ass.

Frank, come on, you gotta loosen up, man.

- You take the pole.

- Okay, so I have another resolution.

- An even better one, I think.

- It better be better.

- Does anyone wanna hear it?

- Come on.

Okay. So, um, I resolve to...

...find a husband.

What?

- Yeah. I'm afraid so. It's true.

And, um, uh, I've decided

to pick from my friends.

You know, I don't wanna marry

a stranger or anything. So, um...

- Who wants to be my husband?

- I do.

- I'll do it.

- Me, me, me.

Sh*t. Oh, God. How will I ever choose?

- By size. By size, boys.

- By size of what, exactly?

Whatever pleases you the most.

- I don't like guesswork, Buddy.

- There won't be any guesswork involved.

- You just keep Mr. Ed in your pants.

Oh, my God. That's actually

what you call it. Mr. Ed?

- That's charming.

- Wait, that's it. That's perfect.

What could be more revealing about a man?

Best nickname for your dick...

...becomes my husband.

Right. Okay, so who's first? Come on.

Ken, what do you got for me?

Come on, baby.

Is it too hard of a question

for you or something?

- Uh, okay.

- What's her name?

I call him...

...Squeaky the Bald-Headed Mouse.

- Oh, my God, you don't.

- Because he likes holes.

- Are you serious?

- There's an animal theme going on here.

- Buddy? Come on.

- You already know, come on.

What?

It's Master of the Universe,

Defender of our Galaxy.

Oh, sh*t, man.

Couldn't it be "God Almighty"

or something?

- Uh, well, that's my tongue, actually.

- Oh, God. Whatever.

- Okay, Frank?

- Truth.

- Yeah, come on, spit it out.

- The truth.

That's... That's what I call it.

Truth.

I'm sorry it's not a farm animal.

I'm sorry.

- You should be.

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