Charlie Bartlett

AUDIENCE:
Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

(CROWD ROARS)

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Thank you!

How you all doing tonight?

It's great to see all of you here.

My name is Charlie Bartlett!

AUDlENCE:
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

STUDENT:
Charlie, Charlie!

Charlie!

Your mom's here.

She's in the dean's office.

Good luck, Charlie. Stay out of trouble.

MARlL YN:
I'm not sure I understand,

Is it his grades?

No, Mrs. Bartlett, it's not his grades

and it's not his attendance.

Look, quite frankly, he is one of

our brightest boys here at school,

albeit, unusual.

Well, I'm just not sure

why he must be expelled, then.

Well, this might shed some light.

You're expelling him

for making a driver's license?

He's been running a laminating press

from inside his dorm room,

and he has been selling them

to the other students.

You have to admit,

they look pretty authentic.

Look, Mrs. Bartlett, to be honest,

I think he has a lot of potential.

He's innovative, he's intelligent.

He's obviously highly motivated.

Perhaps this would be

a good time for an endowment.

No. Mrs. Bartlett, what he did was illegal

and we can't overlook that.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-I understand.

-Good.

Are you mad?

You know, I'm not.

I just can't fathom why you did it.

It's not like you needed the money.

I mean, really, Charlie, what would

your father say if he were here?

Mom, they were just starting

to appreciate me.

You know, I was the guy

that everyone wanted to meet.

Well, maybe there's more

to high school than being well liked.

Like what, specifically?

Nothing comes to mind.

I guess now we try you living at home

and going to public school.

I even kept your room

exactly the way you left it.

Hey, Mom, have you been feeding my fish?

Oh, dear.

(LlVELY PlANO MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Mom? I think I might take

the bus in tomorrow.

Really? I was going to have

Thomas drive you.

I know, but I don't think anybody else

is going to show up with a chauffeur.

You're probably right.

-Have you taken your Klonopin today?

-I haven't.

-Where do you suppose I put that?

-Probably in your purse.

There you are.

What would I do without you, Charlie?

(SlNGlNG) And we knew who we were then

Girls were girls and men were men

Mister, we could use a man

like Herbert Hoover again

Those were the days

Well, it's wonderful

to have you back, Charlie.

Thanks, Mom. I missed you, too.

(ROCK MUSlC BLARlNG)

Are you kidding me? Suzy Q!

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

What? Come in.

Hi. Volume. Thank you.

Hold on, The Principal is here.

What do you want, Dad?

Why do you call me The Principal

when you're talking to your friends?

Pretending to have contempt for you

gives me a certain amount of cred,

if you can understand that.

No, no, no.

Okay, what do you want?

-I wanna say hi.

-Hi.

Fresh crack rock.

-God, it's called rock candy.

-That was a joke.

I was eating it decades before

you were even conceived.

I'll be in my office.

-Love you.

-Love you. Bye.

(DlALlNG)

ANSWERlNG MACHlNE:

You have two new messages,

SEDGWlCK:
Nathan, I think it might be

a good idea ifI'm there

when you break the news

about installing cameras to the kids

so the announcement is taken,

you know, seriously,

ANSWERlNG MA CHlNE: Next message,

WOMAN:
Nathan, it's me,

I'm wondering why Susan

hasn 't been returning my calls,

Is it of no consequence to you

whether she has a relationship

with her mother, you f***,,,

(MA CHlNE BEEPS)

DRlVER:
I think you got the wrong bus.

Western Summit High School, right?

Okay.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Hi, Charlie. I'm Len.

Good to meet you, Len.

It's good to meet you, Charlie.

Thank you.

There's just no point

in cause unnecessary trouble

(GlRLS GlGGLlNG)

Nice tie, homie.

Killer roach, bro.

Move out of the way! Get out!

(BELL RlNGlNG)

There's just no point

in cause unnecessary trouble

Just make sure you cause trouble

when it's necessary

There's just no point

in cause unnecessary trouble

They didn't give you a locker

in the teachers' lounge?

Oh, I'm not a teacher.

You sure look like a teacher.

Okay, everyone, last chance to sign up.

The auditions are today

and will be held at 4:00

and everybody's welcome.

Yeah. And for everyone who doesn't know,

this year we're doing Henry V,

SUSAN:
And it's Shakespeare, so feel free

to read for a role of the opposite sex.

See you at 4:
00, professor.

Dense f***ing nug, man.

Sh*t, why are you looking at it like that?

You're gonna buy it.

You've done every other time.

Just f***ing buy it.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

What's that? Is that a briefcase?

Actually, I believe it's an attach case.

What's that thing on your jacket mean?

Oh, this?

Cor ad cor loquitur, It's in Latin.

I think the translation is,

"Heart speaks to heart,"

but I may be wrong.

Is he, like, a total f*ggot or what? Shut up.

Is that a rhetorical question?

Guess not.

F*** him up!

F***, yeah!

(GURGLlNG)

Guess what?

I think you like that, you little b*tch.

How do you like that, you little b*tch?

(GRUNTlNG)

GARDNER:
No smokes! Cigarettes out!

(COUGHlNG)

What have we here?

Nothing. We're just messing around.

Mr. Bivens, Mr...

You, get to class. Now. Let's go.

(WHlSPERlNG) Later, homo.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm so sick of my parents.

Like, honestly, I'm 17.

I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, it's just a hole.

I mean, what does my mom care

how many times I get my ears pierced?

The squad doesn't care.

Whitney, I think you should get

your na-na pierced.

That's gross, you 'tard.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Come on.

-Hi, Charlie.

-Hey, Len.

Len, you want to join me?

Thank you, Charlie.

I got peas and carrots.

-CHARLlE:
I love peas and carrots.

-Me, too.

(HUMMlNG)

When, Caius, Rome is thine,

thou art poorest of all,

then shortly art thou mine.

And scene.

Thank you. That was stunning.

(GlGGLES)

Charlie Bartlett.

So, which one of Shakespeare's works

will you be performing for us?

Actually, I thought I'd do a monologue

from Cordiroy Seville's masterpiece,

Misadventures of a Teenage Renegade,

(CLEARS THROAT)

(lMlTATlNG GlRL'S VOlCE)

I guess I should tell you

about the first time I had my period.

My daddy was driving me back

from summer camp

and I turned to him and I said,

"Daddy, I think I'm sloughing."

And he said, "That's nice, honey."

And I realized that he had,

Iike, no idea just what "sloughing" meant.

So I explained to him that it meant

blood was gushing

from my you-know-where.

And he nearly wrecked the car

trying to hand me

a wad of fast-food napkins,

which is not something that you

particularly want to stick up your hooch.

Great. Thank you.

I wasn't quite finished, actually.

No. That'll do. Thank you, Charlie.

(STlFLlNG LAUGHTER)

(GROANS)

I'm gonna f*** you up.

-You getting this?

-Yeah. I'm getting it.

(GRUNTS)

-Yeah! F*** him up, Murph!

-How does that feel?

I don't care. You know why?

Because that was a rhetorical question.

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