Charlie Bartlett Page #2

(GROANlNG)

Hey, Charlie, what's Latin for,

"I'm a total p*ssy"?

Let's get out of here.

-MARlLYN:
Charlie, how'd it go?

-Stellar.

Did you make any friends?

(SlGHlNG)

Okay, you can forget about

school tomorrow.

I'm calling Dr. Weathers.

Now, your mom tells me that you've been

getting into scrapes with the other boys.

That's the best euphemism

for getting the living crap

kicked out of you that I've ever heard.

And why do you suppose

that you're being picked on?

I don't know. I'm abnormal, I guess.

You don't feel normal?

My family has a psychiatrist on call.

How normal can that be?

How are your classes?

They're all right.

I mean, I have trouble

concentrating sometimes.

And what is it that you think about?

I kind of have this one fantasy.

Sexual?

No, not really.

It's just this fantasy of me

stepping out on stage,

and there are all these kids

out in the audience

chanting my name,

like I'm a rock star, you know.

And so, I step up to the mike and I say,

"How you all doing tonight?"

And then they start cheering and cheering.

"It's great to see all of you.

I'm Charlie Bartlett.

"And if there's one thing

I want you to walk away with tonight,

"it's that the sky is the limit.

"So, for those of you with troubles,

for those of you feeling scared,

"or confused or angry,

"remember, you are not alone."

And then they go nuts again.

(PEN SCRATCHlNG)

Charlie, how are you feeling

about your father these days?

Are you angry that he's gone?

-Gas prices.

-Excuse me?

I also worry a lot in class

about rising gas prices.

Charlie, I'm going to write you

a prescription for Ritalin,

and what I'd like you to do

is start taking the low dose

and if after a few days

you feel no side effects,

then I would like to see

you start taking a higher dose.

So you think I have ADD, or...

We won't know that until the Ritalin

helps this concentration problem.

You mean, if I take the medicine

and it helps me concentrate,

we'll know I have ADD?

That's the idea.

Welcome back, professor.

-F*** you.

-Yeah. F*** you.

Can anyone tell me why Mercury

has only one day per year?

HENRY:
Because Mercury is the only planet

that does not rotate on its axis.

(TAPS MlCROPHONE)

Hello, Good morning,

The word of the day is "gratitude, "

"Gratitude:
The quality of being thankful,

"readiness to show appreciation for

and return kindness, "

As in, if you would all sit down

and shut up,

I am prepared to express my gratitude,

Thank you,

A lot on the agenda today,

Our superintendent, Mr, Sedgwick,

is paying us a visit,

so for my sake,

let's be on our best beha vior,

(STUDENTS GUFFAWlNG)

First off, the student lounge will be

closed Monday,

while we install security cameras,

(BOOlNG)

Yes,

How can you do that?

That's, like, invasion of privacy.

(STUDENTS SHOUTlNG AGREEMENT)

There's a liability issue,

and I'm afraid the board

has already passed the motion,

Anyway, I would now like

to give Mr, Sedgwick the floor

to discuss our cell phone policy,

But the student lounge is the only place

we can hang out without teachers.

Are there cameras in the teachers' lounge?

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Hang out?

Okay, we've already moved on

to the cell phone policy,

There will be ample opportunity

to discuss that later, but right now,,,

This is total and absolute bullshit!

Come on.

(STUDENTS SHOUTlNG AGREEMENT)

Right, Right,

You know, you kids really need to

find appropriate ways

to express your ingratitude,

Mr, Sedgwick?

The,,,

(FlRE ALARM RlNGlNG)

(SNlCKERlNG)

GARDNER:
Come on, guys, it's nothing,

It's just a fire drill,

Proceed outside in an orderly fashion,

Let's not have a stampede,

They don't have much

respect for you, do they?

In case you haven't noticed,

they're not too fond of you, either.

I said respect, Nathan, not affection.

We're not trying to win

a popularity contest.

(GRUNTlNG)

(LOW PlANO CHORD RlNGlNG)

I'm really looking forward to us

having the weekend alone.

I thought maybe we could go

to a wine tasting.

We haven't done that since you were a kid.

-Maybe.

-Maybe?

-You haven't touched your food.

-I'm not hungry, Mom.

I'm studying the osmosis of water

through the epidermis.

Now, I cooked a perfectly edible meal,

Charlie Bartlett.

I'm feeling a little under-appreciated

at the moment.

And I think it's very important

that you try to at least eat your greens.

Dear, didn't Dr. Weathers

say something yesterday about fluid?

What did he say about...

(CONTlNUES CHATTERlNG)

Are you listening to me?

Hello!

Can anybody up there hear me?

(PLAYlNG LlVELY MUSlC)

(SCATTlNG SOFTLY)

(PANTlNG)

(PLAYlNG PlANO)

(TlCKlNG)

(SCATTlNG ENERGETlCALLY)

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Charlie, is that you?

(YELLlNG GlBBERlSH)

Wake up, you sleepyheads, wake up!

Wake up! Wake up!

My name is Charlie Bartlett,

and I am not alone!

(SlRENS BLARlNG)

Now, there's no history of drug use

whatsoever, Mrs...

It's Marilyn.

Please, no need to be formal here.

And drug use? No, none at all.

Well, it looks like he's coming down some.

I'm not an MD, but it is possible

for Ritalin to get you pretty high.

That's probably what it is.

It is a new medication.

(SlNGlNG) It is a new medication

New medication

New medication

Charlie, dear.

Yeah, as I was saying, a lot of the kids

at the colleges are taking this stuff.

When I was in college,

we were dropping tabs of acid.

OFFlCER:
I've never partaken in

any illicit drugs myself.

Maybe...

Maybe you got slapped around

too many times

for lunch money on your way to the bus.

Maybe your pop's got a boozing... No.

Maybe your pop...

Maybe your pop's gotta

booze himself up every morning.

(lMlTATlNG FRENCH ACCENT)

Maybe your father has to, how do you say,

plow roads with a sense of humor.

I mean, he has to booze himself up.

With a sense of humor.

(lMlTATES LAUGHTER)

-Morning.

-Good morning.

-GlRL:
Hey, Charlie.

-Hey.

-Hey, Charlie.

-Hey, guys.

-Hey, Len.

-Hey, Charlie.

Len, do you feel like making 50 bucks

after school today?

Fifty bucks.

(TlRES SQUEALlNG)

Hey!

What the hell is this?

-Charlie wants to talk to you.

-Suck this, mongoloid.

Get the hell off me! F***!

(GRUNTlNG)

Hi, Murphy. How are you?

You must have a f***ing death wish!

Charlie says you gotta be nice.

Look, Murph, I think we got started off

on the wrong foot.

-I want to work things out.

-I'm gonna put you in the f***ing hospital.

(GROANS)

-Len.

-F***.

Len.

Listen, Murph, I've had a lot of time

to think about what you did to me.

Yeah? What did you come up with, genius?

I think you're angry, man.

What have I got to be angry about?

Maybe you got slapped around

one too many times

for lunch money on your way to the bus.

Maybe your pop's gotta

booze himself up every morning

so he can plow roads

with a sense of humor.

Then when he gets home, you're just

a distant third to Sloppy Joes

and a bad sitcom.

Maybe the cheerleaders call you

a scumbag behind your back.

Maybe it's because the school's

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