Chasing Amy Page #17

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HOLDEN:

The problem is sh*t like that. It was

one thing when it was just girls -

that was weird enough. But now you

throw guys into the mix - two guys at

once, no less. All that

experience...What am I supposed to

think?

JAY:

You think good; because now she'll be

all true blue and sh*t. The girl's

tasted life, yo. Now she's settlin'

for your boring, funny-book-makin'

ass.

HOLDEN:

Settling. That's comforting, Jay.

Thanks.

JAY:

That's what I'm here for.

HOLDEN:

I'm lust having a problem with all of

it I can't get it out of my head these

visuals of her doing all this sh*t.

And I don't know why I can't let it

go. Because I'm crazy about her, you

know? I look at this girl, I see the

future. I see kids. I see grand-

kids.

JAY:

You're scaring me.

HOLDEN:

I'm scaring myself. Because I think

so much of her, and then I can't get

over sh*t like 'Finger Cuffs'.

(shakes his head)

I don't know what I'm doing.

Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his

joint. There's silence. Then...

BOB:

You're chasing Amy.

Holden's head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at

Silent Bob.

HOLDEN:

What..what did you say?

BOB:

You're chasing Amy.

Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who's still

rolling his joint.

JAY:

What do you look so shocked for? He

does this all the time. Fat bastard

thinks just because he never says

anything, that it'll have some huge

impact when he does open his f***ing

mouth.

BOB:

Why don't you shut up? Jesus! Always

yap, yap, yapping all the time. Give

me a f***ing headache.

(to Holden)

I went through something like what

you're going through. Years ago.

Same kind of thing with a girl named

Amy.

JAY:

When?

BOB:

A couple of years ago.

JAY:

What'd she 'Live in Canada' or

something? Why don't I remember this?

BOB:

What you don't know about me I can

just about squeeze into the Grand

f***ing Canyon. Did you know I always

wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with

his hands.

BOB:

Hunhh? Bet you didn't know that?

JAY:

Just cell your f***ing story so we can

get out of here and smoke this.

BOB:

(to Holden)

So there's me an Amy, and we're all

inseparable, right? Just big time in

love. And then about four months in,

I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb

move, I know, but you know how it is -

you don't really want to know, but you

just have to... stupid guy bullshit.

Anyway she starts telling me all about

him - how they dated for years, lived

together, her mother likes me better,

blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But

then she tells me that a couple times,

he brought other people to bed with

them - menage a tois, I believe it's

called. Now this just blows my mind.

I mean, I'm not used to that sort of

thing, right? I was raised Catholic.

JAY:

Saint Shithead.

Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to

strike.

BOB:

Do something.

(to Holden)

So I get weirded out, and just start

blasting her, right? This is the only

way I can deal with it - by calling

her a slut, and telling her that she

was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I

want to hurt her - because I don't

know how to deal with what I'm

feeling. And I'm like "What the f***

is wrong with you?" and she's telling

me that it was that time, in that

place, and she didn't do anything

wrong, so she's not gonna apologize.

So I tell her it's over, and I walk.

JAY:

F***ing a.

BOB:

No, idiot. It was a mistake. I

wasn't disgusted with her, I was

afraid. At that moment, I felt small -

like I'd lacked experience, like I'd

never be on her level or never be

enough for her or something.

And what I didn't get was that she

didn't care. She wasn't looking for

that guy anymore. She was looking for

me. But by the time I realized this,

it was too late, you know. She'd

moved on, and all I had to show for it

was some foolish pride, which then

gave way to regret. She was the girl,

I know that now. But I pushed her

away...

Everyone's silent Silent Bob lights a cigarette.

BOB:

So I've spent every day since then

chasing Amy...

(takes a drag from his smoke)

So to speak.

They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his

dime-bag.

JAY:

Enough of this f***ing melodrama. My

advice - forget her, dude. There's

one woman in the world. One woman,

with many faces.

(to Silent Bob)

Get up, b*tch

(to Holden)

We gotta book. We're catching a bus

to Chi-town.

HOLDEN:

What's there?

JAY:

Business, yo. How many more of those

phat envelopes do we got coming to us?

HOLDEN:

I don't know. I don't know if the

book's going to be around much longer.

JAY:

Yeah? Good. I'll be glad as sh*t

when it's gone.

HOLDEN:

Are you kidding me? There's millions

of people out there that'd love to see

themselves in a comic book.

JAY:

I know. I spend every f***ing waking

hour with one of them. But it ain't

like us at all - all slapsticky and

sh*t - running around like d*cks,

saying... What's that sh*t you got me

saying?

HOLDEN:

Snootchie-bootchies.

JAY:

'Snootchie-bootchies'. Who talks like

that? That's baby-talk.

(slaps his hand)

It's a big world, g - but we're bound

to run into you again. Until then -

keep your unit on you.

HOLDEN:

I'll try.

BOB:

Do, or do not - there is no ay.

JAY:

(slaps him)

Knock it off! Get your fat ass moving

- we got a bus to catch.

(under his breath)

Jedi-b*tch.

Exit Jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth,

thinking.

MONTAGE - AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

1) Holden sits at his drawing table, tapping his pencil

up and down.

2)Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women.

She's not present in the conversation.

3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant Sloss shakes

the contracts at him, and Banky makes the "I know, I

know," face.

4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him.

5) Alyssa with her ear to the phone. She hangs up,

angrily.

6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked

through. He's staring at Alyssa's yearbook picture. He

closes the book and sighs. Then, an idea hits him. He

jumps up and dashes out of the park.

INT STUDIO - NIGHT

Banky and Alyssa sit on the couch. Holden paces in front

of them.

HOLDEN:

I know you're wondering why I asked

you both here tonight, at the same

time, knowing that we have sh*t to

settle between us, separately.

BANKY:

I just figured you wanted to kill two

birds with one stone by telling her to

f*** off with me here so you didn't

have to go through the story again

later on.

ALYSSA:

F*** you.

BANKY:

Not even if you let me videotape it.

HOLDEN:

Enough!

(they both look at him)

I've been going through things, over

and over. And I dissected it all, and

looked at it a thousand different

ways. Banky - there's friction

between us for the first time in our

lives. You hate me dating Alyssa and

you want me to sign off on this M-TV

thing.

BANKY:

How perceptive.

HOLDEN:

Alyssa - you and I hit a wall, because

I don't know how to deal with... your

past, I guess.

BANKY:

That's a nice way of putting it. I'd

have said the whole double-stuff

thing...

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