Chatterbox Live

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- Five minutes, Sarah.

- I'm just gonna go and have a quick snack.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Sarah Millican.

Hello.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

What a lovely warm welcome.

- Thank you. How are you? Are you well?

- Yes.

Excellent. Thank you very much

for coming to my show.

Er, it's much appreciated.

I was gonna start off with a bit of advice.

I'm not really very good at giving out

advice. I'll give an example of how.

I was in a supermarket and I saw

this young couple wandering around,

and the girl said to her boyfriend,

"Have we got everything?"

And he said, "I think so. "

And I looked in their basket

and all they had was a bottle of ros

and a cucumber.

And I just thought there's no way

they've got everything else

they're needing for a salad.

And what I should have said is,

"Lube, love.

"That's what you need.

"Lube. "

But I didn't.

She's gotta learn the hard way.

The bit of advice I've got is

for the ladies in the room.

I've discovered, as a woman, how you know

whether or not you're overweight.

It's during the throes of passion

when your partner picks you up,

whether or not they say

"One, two, three" first.

It's my favourite joke.

It's getting less funny

as the days go on.

Thank you for coming to the show.

The show is called Chatterbox,

cos that's kind of what I've always been.

Talking was sort of the only thing

I was criticized for at school.

Er, I mean by the teachers.

I was criticized by the other kids

for loads of things.

Something of a nerd.

It's really hard to believe, isn't it?

Oh.

I think it's quite cool that the thing

I was criticized for is now my job.

That's quite cool, isn't it?

F*** you, teachers.

Just hope the same fate

didn't befall the school bike.

At an early preview

a man came up to me and said,

"Is your show Chatterbox

based on the film Chatterbox?"

I had no idea that there was a film called

Chatterbox, so I got in and I goggled it.

Such a film does exist.

It's American. It was made in 1977.

It's not available on DVD,

which gives you a fair indication

of the quality of the thing.

And the film Chatterbox is

about a woman with a talking vagina.

So that man who came up to me...

must have thought it was gonna be

a live stage version.

He must have walked in and gone,

"That microphone stand's too high

for a start. "

But I have managed to get a hold

of the film on video, proper old school,

and I've only seen the first two minutes but

I've already decided that it's brilliant.

In the first two minutes,

a man and a woman have sex,

they finish, she says something like,

"That was lovely. "

That doesn't sound very American, does it?

I can't really do accents.

I've made it sound more Geordie

than it actually was, haven't I?

"That was champion, pet. "

That's what I say after sex.

Unless it wasn't champion.

I'm no f***ing liar.

So she's relatively positive

about the experience

and then her vagina goes,

"It was all right. "

How many times

have you wanted to say that?

"It'll do.

"I'll do it properly on my own later on.

Don't worry. "

The women are laughing

and the blokes are doing this.

"This is gonna be sh*t. "

But, I, er... It's nice to be out

among so many people.

I do spend a lot of time on my own.

I live on my own.

I do like living on my own, though.

When I first decided to live on my own...

My mam and dad don't really understand

why people would want to live on their own.

My mam said, "People only live on their own

if they've got no friends. "

And then my dad made me look up

the word "hermit" in a dictionary.

But my dad did give me some good advice

when I was looking for flats.

He said, "I don't think you should get one

that's got a balcony.

"Cos what with living on your own,

there will be a high suicide risk. "

Wonder if I should have been bearing

that in mind when I was viewing properties.

You know, "Is that oven gas or electric?

"Is that light fitting really strong?

"Can it hold a decent weight?

"Ten stone?"

"F*** off. "

"Eleven stone. "

And a half.

And then another f***ing half.

But I do, I like living on my own.

Does anybody else live on their own?

Give us a wave if you live on your own.

We've got a nice lady here. What's your

favourite thing about living on your own?

- The telephone.

- The telephone?

I like that you did that.

Just in case, you know. It's just the North

I live in. It's not, you know...

the Dark Ages.

The telephone.

What do you... Did somebody not let you

have a telephone in the old days

when you lived with other people,

you poor bugger?

Did you live under the stairs?

In what way the telephone?

So I can speak to people.

"So I can speak to people", she said.

No, I know what a telephone's for, love.

It's gonna be one of those nights,

isn't it?

Who else lives on their own?

Give us another wave.

Hello, flower.

Nice lady at the back there.

What do you like about

living on your own, love?

- Walking around naked.

- Walking around naked.

There's a confident woman.

It's good cos I've got

a friend who lives on her own.

I said, "What's your favourite thing

about living on your own?" She said...

"Whenever I do a massive fart,

"I go, 'Good girl'."

You can have that

if you like.

Lady at the back, er...

- Is it a flat or a house that you've got?

- Flat.

And if somebody broke into your flat while

you were in it, what would you hit them with?

- Have you thought this through?

- Not so much.

No? Well, let's have a think now.

If you're like...

We've got to fix her.

If you're, like, in the living room,

for example,

is there something to hand

that you could clobber somebody with?

- Remote control.

- A remote control, you see.

Multipurpose. "I can watch whatever telly

I like and I can f***ing hit somebody. "

I asked a lady recently

and she didn't know either.

And I said, "What's normally to hand?"

And she went... "Empty bottles. "

I said, "I don't even think you'd notice

if somebody broke in!"

"I don't care who you are,

shut the door on your way out,

"cos I can feel a f***ing draught. "

My friend's got a rounders bat

down the side of her bed.

Er... I mean for protection. Whoa.

But she's been told that that's not allowed,

it's classed as an offensive weapon.

She's allowed to have a rounders bat

down the side of her bed

if it's accompanied by something

it would normally accompany.

So now she's got a rounders bat

and a rounders ball as well.

And I'm the same cos I've got

a massive knife and a massive fork.

So if somebody breaks in

with a big lump of steak, I'm champion.

But I live in a flat as well,

and the flat opposite mine has been empty

the whole time that I've lived there, so

I just never bothered getting any curtains.

And I regularly wander around in just my

knickers, cos I'm 35 and I don't give a sh*t.

And a friend came around

for a cup of tea and she said,

"Have you noticed some young lads

have just moved into the flat opposite?"

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