Chatterbox Live Page #2

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I said, "I hadn't noticed. " She said, "Don't

you think it's time you got some curtains?"

As far as I'm concerned,

if some young lads are looking at me

wandering around in my knickers,

I'm still the winner.

Just wonder how long it's going to be

before they get f***ing curtains.

Look at me.

Shoop!

Please.

But I think I'd quite like

an animal at home.

I think that would make the place feel

a little bit more sort of cozy.

Give us a cheer if you've got a pet at home.

See, I'd quite like a cat.

If I could have any animal,

I'd probably have a cat.

But I can't have a cat cos my boyfriend's

allergic to cats, so I can't have one.

- Dump him.

- Well, precisely, flower.

We'll split up and that'll sort it out.

Most people don't have something to look

forward to at the end of a relationship.

"I can't wait till he starts

f***ing other women.

"I'm off to the pet shop. F*** you!"

But if I did get an animal,

I'd have to be careful

cos whenever I had animals as a child,

I always loved them

a little bit too much.

There's a name for people like me.

It's Hamster Squeezer.

Look at his little face.

When I was about seven, I had a little dog,

and I loved it so much!

Have you ever stroked a dog so hard

you could see the whites of its eyes?

When you stroke along its back, its little

back legs buckle cos of the pressure.

I do worry about my boyfriend.

Cos I love him so much.

Love him so much!

Look at his little face!

Is spunk supposed to be red? No.

That's a great reaction.

The women are laughing

and the blokes are going,

"Don't do that. That's not f***ing funny. "

Now is probably quite a good time to tell you

that I'm a lot ruder than I am on the telly.

So brace yourselves.

I tend to feel guilty as well.

The thing I feel guilty about the most at the

moment is the fact that I don't give blood.

Give us a cheer if you give blood

on a regular basis.

A few. Could always be more.

I think it's the marketing that's to blame

cos I heard the advert on the radio,

and the advert goes like this -

"Would you like to save a life?"

And I thought...

"Not really bothered.

"Do I know them?"

But I've heard that you get

a half-hour sit-down. Is that right?

Yeah, and you get a cup of tea,

is that right?

- Yeah, and a biscuit.

- Oh. "Biscuit.

"Did you know about the biscuits?"

Who said biscuits?

Where are you, love?

Nice lady there.

What kind of biscuits?

What's the best biscuit

that they have at your place?

- Bourbons.

- Yeah!

Bourbons, and somebody

in the middle went, "Yeah!"

Got a big Bourbon fan in tonight.

So can anybody do...

The Bourbon's pretty good.

Can anybody do better than a Bourbon

at their blood place?

- Club biscuits.

- Who said that? Where are you, fella?

Hello, fella. Do they have a variety of

Club biscuits or just the one flavor?

- I just go for the orange ones.

- You just go for the orange ones.

You're not a hero at all, are you?

You're just going for the free orange Clubs.

Excellent. Are we gonna get any better

than an orange Club? I don't know.

Who? What was that?

- Party Rings.

- Party Rings.

Are you nine?

Do they... Are they fanned out,

like on a plate, all fancy?

That's what I'd want.

Jelly and ice cream as well. That would...

Party Rings.

I haven't had a Party Ring in years.

Can anybody do better

than Party Rings or orange Clubs?

No, that's it. They've got no...

Sorry, I could...

I could compete with the lady

with the Bourbon,

but I'm f***ed against the orange Clubs.

This is the sort of thing that we need

to know. This should be in the advert.

The advert shouldn't be,

"Would you like to save a life?"

The advert should be...

"Do you like sitting down?"

"Bloody love sitting down. "

"Do you like cups of tea?"

"I love cups of tea. "

"We've got Party Rings!"

"Oh, if you've got Party Rings,

"why don't we see if you need some

f***ing bone marrow while we're on. "

I did a show in Manchester

and a lady shouted,

"At my place, if you pretend

you don't feel very well,

"they give you a sandwich. "

"Prawn mayonnaise. "

But I, er... In this job,

I tend to travel, mostly around the UK.

I'm from a place called South Shields.

Have we got any North Easterners in?

Excellent. The loud women, hello.

No, welcome.

Thank you very much for coming.

I mean, I'm from South Shields

but I actually live in Manchester now,

and I mostly work around the UK.

Occasionally, I get to go abroad.

I went to Australia last year

for the Melbourne Comedy Festival,

which was great.

It was great until it came time

to come home.

When because of the "f***ing volcano",

got stranded for an extra week, and you find

you don't get any sympathy off your friends

if you tell 'em you are stranded for

an extra week.

My friend said, "You were stranded.

"For an extra week.

"In Australia.

"Well, boo-f***ing-hoo. "

I said, "But listen to the word that you're

using. It's 'stranded'. It's not a good word. "

You could be stranded

on the end of Brad Pitt's cock

and you'd want to go home eventually!

I mean, after a week or so, obviously.

For snacks if nothing else.

I think that explains why his girlfriends

are always so skinny.

Doesn't provide enough snacks.

But while I was in Australia, I got a call

from the fraud department

of my credit card company

inquiring why I was spending so much

on my credit card.

She said, "Can I check a couple of

transactions?" And I said, "Of course. "

The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal,

and I had withdrawn the money,

so that was all above board.

The second one, she said,

"You spent a 102 in a place called...

"Holt's. " And I went, "Oh...

"Um, yeah, er, yeah, that's right.

Er, it's a chocolate shop. "

And she went, "102!"

And I went, "Yeah, it was for presents.

"For me. "

Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt's cock.

I did get a nickname while I was out there.

I've never had a nickname before.

I've been called things

but that's different, isn't it?

I think that's bullying.

My nickname is The Cake Pigeon.

Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop...

Walk past.

Whenever I press myself

up against a cake shop,

I go...

And because I talk about cakes on stage,

sometimes people bring

cakes to shows for me,

which is lovely but can

sometimes be a little bit weird.

Some lady came up to me

a few months ago at the end of the show,

she handed me a small fruitcake

and said, "This is for you. "

And I said, "That's lovely. Thank you.

What a nice thing to do. "

And she said, "I'm sorry it's just that...

"but it's all we had in. "

I said, "Have you been looking

through your cupboards?

"It's not the f***ing Harvest festival, pet.

"You buy the ticket,

you can just come to the show. "

Which really pissed off

the woman behind her

who was standing

with a tin of f***ing peaches.

But I have developed... People call it

a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans.

A muffin top. I don't really like that name.

So I've started calling mine my cake shelf.

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