Chatterbox Live Page #3

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It's nice, though, isn't it? Cos it sounds

like a good place to keep your cake.

Somebody said to me,

"Are you pregnant?"

I said, "Only if I've been

f***ed by Mr. Kipling.

"And, yes, it was exceedingly good. "

But I'm a bit of a... a bit of a worrier.

I don't worry about age anymore.

I'm 35. I'm past caring about age.

I did worry when I was about to turn 30.

I worried about turning 30.

So I asked friends who were

also approaching their 30th

how it was going to affect them.

One guy said,

"It means I'm closer to retirement. "

Which I thought was a positive way of

looking at it.

But my favourite answer

came from a bloke who said,

"I just need to make it to 34,

and I've beaten Jesus at living. "

But I was gonna say I worry about my weight

but not enough to do anything about it yet.

Although I bought a cross trainer,

but apparently that's not enough.

Just to buy it.

Although it's in the spare room

and whenever friends stay over,

I have to move it into the hall

and then back again,

and I break a sweat and I think,

"Ooh, it's paying for itself. "

I think the problem is just the fact that

I eat whatever I like and I don't give a sh*t.

Some people who are very

similar to me in the audience.

It's probably

the longest our mouth's been open

without some f***ing food in it.

Huh!

Exactly the same as me.

It's a f***ing hobby.

I was in a restaurant with my friend,

and I said, "I like it in here

cos they've got multicolored food. "

And she said, "I think you'll find

they're called vegetables. "

But I don't worry any more

about the fact that

I can't really see my fanny.

Er...

Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies

make you feel quite sick, sir?

Is it my fanny in particular

or you're just not a big fan of fannies?

You're not a fan of fannies.

I've got some cock stuff later on.

You'll f***ing love that.

I don't need to see my fanny any more

anyway cos I've got people for that now.

Er, one person.

"People" sounds bad, doesn't it?

Well, there's two. It's a job share.

I can't see my fanny cos of my belly,

but I can't see my belly cos of my tits.

Hurray!

As long as they stay, I'm all right.

If they go, I'm f***ed.

Well, probably less so.

I started buying women's magazines. I

bought one recently, cos on the front cover

it said that some female celebrities had put

weight on and they were now curvaceous.

I thought, "Let's have a look

and see how curvaceous they are. "

So I flicked through and the fattest woman

in there, it said that she had "ballooned".

I repeat, she had "ballooned"

to a size 12.

Size 12. I'd give my right arm

to be a size 12.

My right arm might be a size 12!

But in a moment of stupidity,

I was letting it toy with me...

be getting myself some thigh-high boots

and sort of fishing for a compliment,

I said to my sister, "Where would I get

thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?"

And she said, "Well, trannies

must get them from somewhere. "

I've discovered the most horrific way

you know you've put weight on.

I don't think this is commonly known

so I feel like I should spread the word.

This happened to me in January,

and it is genuinely upsetting.

Where my boyfriend lives

is a block of flats.

Round the back of the block of flats

is a car park.

In order to get into the car park,

you have to go through a barrier

like an arm that lifts up...

when it senses a car is near.

I mean, I was carrying

two big bags of shopping,

but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206.

But a friend of mine...

Actually, I'm not going to call him that.

It's not appropriate.

I'll call him a male acquaintance.

Let's do that.

A male acquaintance of mine

with whom I have never had a dalliance...

said to me, "You know what,

if you lost a couple of stone... "

I said, "The rest of this better be

a f***ing equation. "

"If you lost a couple of stone,

we could probably go out. "

I said, "Only if the couple of stone I lost

was me f***ing head. "

I was on holiday

with my boyfriend last year

and he lifted me up,

like in a romantic fashion.

And put me down again, obviously.

Um, in a different place.

Otherwise that would just be weird,

wouldn't it?

Play the guess the weight of the lady stall

at the fairground.

"Too f***ing much!"

And when he put me back down, cos

I'd been reading Jane Austen on holiday,

I came over all sort of...

Like I needed a fan.

And I said, "Was I, er... Was I very heavy?"

And he's supposed to follow the lead

and say something along the lines of

"Why, you weighed

no more than a dry leaf. "

Well, he didn't.

He went "Manageable".

But I found recently

that I'm not very good at relaxing.

I get... I get quite wound up.

I'm on the go all the time.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, to be honest.

And when I get in from work,

wherever I've been,

I'm rubbish at that winding down bit

before you go to bed.

I'm quite interested in

how other people relax.

Nice fella in the front.

How do you relax when you get in

from wherever you spend your days?

Is there something that you do

to help you wind down?

Probably sit down, watch TV.

You sit down. That's a good start, isn't it?

Just sit down. "Oh, I'm relaxed. "

And you watch telly.

What time do you normally put the telly on?

- About 6:
00.

- About 6:
00.

Anything from 6:
00 onwards,

quite good for a few hours, isn't it?

When I get in from work,

it could be anything from midnight

to 4:
00 in the morning.

So, unless I've remembered

to record something,

I'm stuck with...

f***ing Babestation.

If you don't know what Babestation is,

it's a soft porn channel

where on the screen

is a relatively uneducated lady...

I'm guessing. And, er...

And she's on the phone

and across the bottom of the screen

is a telephone number that you can ring,

presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons.

Although I don't think there are

any rules that say you can't ring her up

and chuck her a couple of sums

and see how she gets on.

I'd probably just give her careers advice

cos I used to work for the job center.

"You're very good on the phones.

You could work for Orange.

"They're used to people

ringing up and moaning. "

So we've got telly watching

from the fella at the front. Thank you.

What about nice fella there

in the nice blue shirt?

- What would you do to relax?

- Take the dog for a walk.

Take the dog for a walk. So is it the exercise

or the fresh air or a combination of the two?

- Fresh air in London? Yeah...

- Fresh air in London? Oh, yes, I forgot.

Do you have to wear a little mask?

Do you?

No. Do you just go under a certain level

and then you're all right?

What time do you go walking with the dog?

Is it tea time?

Four o'clock.

- Tea time.

- Three o'clock.

Three o'clock. The specifics

aren't that important, love.

We'll come back to me in a minute,

don't worry.

Three o'clock in the...

So that's afternoon?

Cos I used to go...

Like years ago, I used to go running.

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