Chatterbox Live Page #4

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I know, f*** off,

it's hard to believe. Er...

It didn't last very long.

But I used to go... I used to go running

around the park but really early on.

There's a time,

there's a window that you can go.

Cos it has to be before everybody

gets up to go to work

cos they're the people

that point and laugh.

But after the dog walkers

cos they're always the ones

that find the bodies, aren't they?

It is, isn't it?

It's always that. It's always...

"Oh, found by a dog walker. "

Thank f*** I went out after them.

So I've got walking the dog.

What else do we do to relax?

Let's have people shouting out.

Self-gratification.

OK, do you just tell yourself you're

brilliant or do you have a wank?

Cos I did a show, er...

I did a show in Birmingham,

and I asked a man how he relaxed when

he got in from work and he said one word.

The beginning of the word

sounded happy

and midway through the word it just

changed and sounded desperately sad.

I said, "How do you relax

when you get in from work?"

And he went, "Masturbation".

I don't find that very relaxing. Er...

Am I sharing too much?

I don't find masturbation very relaxing

cos I'm a bugger for multitasking.

I've been known

to put my tash cream on and go,

"I've got five minutes,

I'll have a quick... "

You make sure you don't

mix your hands up, though.

And, you know, you get it done on time, cos

if you don't you can smell burning flesh.

Some people are genuinely appalled by that.

And other people are going,

"That's a really good idea. "

How do you relax?

Shout out different ways.

Wine.

It was a nonspecific amount as well.

"Wine. "

I don't really drink much.

Anybody like me who doesn't really drink?

- Yes.

- Oh, they sound so sad.

"We've gotta drive these f***ers

home tonight. "

Are we big drinkers?

Cheer if you do like a drink.

See, I'm not a very good drinker.

I've had some quite bad experiences.

I once went out with a friend of mine.

She's lovely, but her husband's a bit iffy.

And... Yeah, we went out for a few drinks.

And the next day I was really ill.

And I rang her and I said,

"I've got no idea why I'm this ill. "

We'd only had like two glasses of wine.

And she said, "Oh, that'll be Dave.

He will have spiked your drink. "

I said "Really?" She said, "Oh, yeah,

he spiked mine once with speed.

"But I didn't mind so much

cos I got loads of hovering done. "

So you got telly, we've got drink,

and how else do we relax?

Knitting.

Yeah, where the f*** are you?

Where are you?

Knitting.

- I'm from Boldon.

- You're from Boldon. Hello.

This means nothing to them but hello.

Oh, OK.

So you knit. Do you just knit like a long...

I imagine it's just always scarves.

Or do you knit actual things that you can

force onto people as "presents"?

Socks.

And it does actually look like a sock.

Well done, lady.

That's what I'm doing.

Oh! Have you brought it in case

you were a little bit bored during the show?

"C*cks. She's talking about c*cks again. "

So knitting is a good answer.

My friend said to me, "Have a bath.

It's a good way of relaxing. "

I thought, "That is quite a good idea. "

I normally have showers.

I think showers are more time-efficient.

But I still buy all the things

you put in the bath -

the lotions and potions

and the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff.

My bathroom looks like

I've ram-raided Lush.

The only time I ever have a bath is when

I'm in a hotel, I'm on the road, maybe,

and I'm in a hotel room.

I've got a bit of time to myself.

But I don't take my lotions

and my potions, cos you don't, do you?

Instead I'm stuck with time, but like an inch

of shower gel/shampoo/f***ing toothpaste.

With which I'm expected to wash

a 12-stone woman.

I mean me.

I don't provide a service.

"Come on in, Brenda. Get on the scales.

"You're all right.

Go get your clothes off. "

So, my friend said, "Have a bath",

so I had a bath and it was all right.

It was all right. But I thought,

"I bet I can make this better. "

So I had a cup of tea in the bath.

There's something really satisfying

about being the same temperature

on the inside as the outside.

I was in the bath the other day.

I had a cup of tea.

Had a bath bomb in.

We all know what a bath bomb is.

It just fizzes around and makes the water

all smell nice and feel nice.

My boyfriend was walking past and I shouted

him in and he said, "What's the matter?"

I said, "Doesn't it smell nice?"

He went, "It does smell nice. "

I said, "Feel my arm", and I lifted it out

the water, "Feel that", and he went, "Ooh...

"slimy. "

So I relaxed for another 20 minutes

and then it was time to get out the bath.

But I still had a bit of tea left.

And I thought, "I'm not going anywhere

till I finish my tea. "

So I just pulled the plug

and let the water all drain out.

And I ended up sitting in an empty bath.

I felt a little bit beached.

But it wasn't altogether

a horrible experience.

Nobody was like spraying us with water

trying to keep us alive.

So I finished my tea

and as I stood up to get out the bath,

a tidal wave of water came from behind me.

I was totally confused.

I looked at the front and it was empty.

I looked behind, still about that much.

I had formed a seal around the bath

with my ass.

That wasn't very relaxing.

But I do sometimes

struggle sleeping as well.

Just occasionally, I have the odd bout of

insomnia, and I thought maybe I'll buy a CD,

and get these CDs that have got

soothing sounds and music on.

I thought I'd get one of those,

that might help us drift off to sleep.

I noticed Paul McKenna

has got a CD out, hasn't he?

I Can Make You Sleep.

He's a very confident man,

Paul McKenna, isn't he?

It's not "I'll give it a bash. "

I Can Make You Sleep.

He's also got I Can Make you Thin,

which I had thought about getting

cos it sounded like a challenge...

for him.

I Can Make You Thin.

Can you? Can you, Paul?

Bring it on, motherf***er.

He's also got I Can Make You Rich,

and I thought,

"I wonder if that's his happiness box set -

thin, rich, sleep, done. "

When I first started going out

with my boyfriend,

I was living in a flat where the boiler

was broken and it was freezing,

and he sent a text saying,

"If I was there,

"I would make you warm, I'd make you come

and I'd make you breakfast. "

And I thought,

"Now, that's a f***ing box set, isn't it?"

I'm not suggesting that that should be

Paul McKenna's next box set.

I Can Make You Come.

Can you? Can you, Paul?

Oh! F***, he just did.

He's good. He's good.

I thought I was giving up smoking.

I do a lot of driving in this job.

I don't find driving very relaxing.

I get quite stressed behind the wheel

and I bought something that I thought

might help in certain situations.

And what I bought was a Shewee. Now...

Some of you know what it is.

If you don't know what a Shewee is,

it's a little funnel

ladies can use to have a wee standing up

without having to remove any clothing.

It's quite practical, quite functional.

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