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Chatterbox Live Page #5
- Year:
- 2011
- 100 min
- 115 Views
Women use it for music festivals, or for
going walking or hiking or that sort of thing.
I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic.
I wasn't just like at the lights
for ages going,
"Come on. Come on.
F*** it. I'm just gonna piss myself. "
No, I was driving on the M6
between Manchester and Birmingham
and a lorry jack-knifed and there's 150 cars
stuck for two and a half hours.
All the men got out of their cars,
they all had a chat with each other
and then they stood in a big, long line
on the hard shoulder and had a wee
and I was really jealous.
So I got in, ordered a Shewee.
It arrived. It's pink, obviously.
And I also bought an extension pipe.
Cos I thought if that ever happens again
and I get to wee
alongside the men on the hard shoulder,
wouldn't it be great if
I had the biggest cock?
"Is that all you've got, love?"
"Has anybody got a shoulder
I can rest mine on?"
But I'm quite practical like that.
I've only been driving a few years,
but when I first passed my test, my dad,
who I get my practical side from, said to me
"Right, the following things you should
always have in the boot of your car -
"you need a blanket,
"you need a flask,
"you need a shovel. "
And he's right, cos whenever
I've killed a man, I'm always parched.
But I am quite practical, I'm quite logical,
in some ways I've got quite a male brain,
and in other ways, I'm quite girlie
and quite feminine, quite emotional.
To be honest, I think
I'm a bit of a mishmash of the genders.
I mean in a personality way.
I don't mean like,
"I've got a bit of a
knobble I can't explain.
"Does yours look like that?"
My friend invited me round for tea.
She said, "Come to mine,
I'll cook all your favourite food. "
so of course I went.
Couple of hours later, we're sitting
on the sofa putting the world to rights.
And she blurted out, just out of nowhere,
she blurted out,
"I don't think my lady parts look like
other girls' lady parts. "
What the f***
am I supposed to do with that?
I realized the whole night had been a ploy.
Favourite foods, my ass.
"Come and look at my fanny. "
I said, "I'm not looking at it.
I'm not looking at it.
"But if you draw it on a bit of paper,
"I'll have a look at that. "
So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew
mine as well, and we compared them.
And they were very similar.
She seemed much happier.
She said mine was tidier.
I don't really know what that means.
But I know I definitely don't want to look
at hers now that I know that it's messy.
But it could have been worse
than drawing on paper.
I could have just put some paint on
and done a potato print.
Sometimes wouldn't
even need the paint. Oh!
But what I've been doing
with audiences is asking the ladies
what's best about being a woman,
and the men what's best about being a man.
And then working out whether
I'm more male or female
depending on you guys tonight.
It changes every night and it's fun for you,
but it's ever so slightly terrifying for me.
Let's get cracking. I'm gonna write
them down cos I've got an awful memory.
Let's get some ladies shouting out.
What do we think...
- F***ing hell!
"Always being right. "
Where are you, love?
- Oh, there you are. Always being right.
- Yeah.
Wow. Are you in a relationship
at the minute?
- No.
- Yes.
You are? Is your partner
with you tonight?
- Yeah.
- Are you all right, love?
Yeah? Always being right is a good answer.
We need a couple more from the ladies.
Best thing about being a woman?
Free dinners!
Free dinners?
- Where are you?
- Cos blokes pay for them.
- Free dinners.
- Yeah.
OK.
- Who pays for the actual dinners?
- He does.
- The fella?
- Yeah.
OK.
They're not really free, though,
are they, love?
Ah!
Hope that pizza's worth it. Ah!
Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies.
Best thing about being a woman?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
Did you just shout out "nothing"?
Nobody's ever said that before.
Why don't you like being...
Are you, like,
due a big operation soon, love?
"I'm done, I've had enough.
"I'm gonna get a cock. "
Would you rather be a man?
- Maybe.
- Oh, you're not really sure?
So, you're not... OK, I'm just gonna put
"indecisive" down for you.
Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner.
- Then I would change my mind.
- Then you would change your mind?
Wow. Shallow as well.
Let's get some ladies shouting out.
What do you think the best thing
Tits.
Hello, lady.
"Tits!"
How long have you had them?
Quite a while.
I got mine when I left school.
I mean, that's when they grew.
I don't mean like, "You've done quite well
in your GCSEs. Have some tits. "
"Tits" is a good answer. Thank you.
And there was another lady shouted out.
Are you upstairs or downstairs?
The lady who shouted out something...
Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love.
I just said that we're better at everything.
That's all.
- We're better at everything.
- Yes.
I love that. One woman went "Yeah!"
and the rest of you went "Oh, f***. "
"It's gonna kick off now. "
Better at everything. Everything!
OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna
shout out something that they think
they may be better than that lady at?
Everything.
Pissing through letterboxes.
Pissing through letterboxes.
We've got Shewees.
We can f***ing do that now.
Maybe you are right, lady. Well done!
And we need one more from the ladies.
Best thing about being a woman?
- Being psychic.
- Being psychic.
Oh, OK. Are you trained?
No. Are you in a relationship
at the moment?
Yes. Is this... Oh.
Oh, lovely... Hello, lovely lady.
Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic?
No, she's not, is she?
That's cos it's not real, is it?
The reason she's not
is cos it's not possible.
Er... What do you think
That you've what?
Got nice glasses.
Er... Well, OK.
Let's go with that to make her feel better
about herself.
"That I've got nice glasses. "
That's brilliant.
No, that you're a loon
is what I was thinking.
Whatever. OK, let's get some fellas.
Nice fella here.
You're quite young. How old are you?
- I'm 23.
- Twenty-three.
What do you think is the best thing
about being a man, love?
- Saturday football.
- Saturday football.
- Do you play football or is it watching?
- Watching.
Is it gonna kick off if you say
who you support? Will it kick off?
No, it should be all right.
Should be all right. Are we ready?
- Who do you support, love?
- I'm an Arsenal fan.
I've had this answer before
and I said to this fella...
He said football and I said,
"Will it kick off?"
And he said, "I don't know. "
And it was exciting and the whole room
was tense and it was in Liverpool,
the sort of place
where it might well divide opinion.
And he went, "Hull!"
And everybody in the room went, "Who?"
Watching football is a good answer.
Thank you very much.
Let's get more fellas. The fella who shouted
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"Chatterbox Live" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/chatterbox_live_5367>.
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