Chatterbox Live Page #5

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Women use it for music festivals, or for

going walking or hiking or that sort of thing.

I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic.

I wasn't just like at the lights

for ages going,

"Come on. Come on.

F*** it. I'm just gonna piss myself. "

No, I was driving on the M6

between Manchester and Birmingham

and a lorry jack-knifed and there's 150 cars

stuck for two and a half hours.

All the men got out of their cars,

they all had a chat with each other

and then they stood in a big, long line

on the hard shoulder and had a wee

and I was really jealous.

So I got in, ordered a Shewee.

It arrived. It's pink, obviously.

And I also bought an extension pipe.

Cos I thought if that ever happens again

and I get to wee

alongside the men on the hard shoulder,

wouldn't it be great if

I had the biggest cock?

"Is that all you've got, love?"

"Has anybody got a shoulder

I can rest mine on?"

But I'm quite practical like that.

I've only been driving a few years,

but when I first passed my test, my dad,

who I get my practical side from, said to me

"Right, the following things you should

always have in the boot of your car -

"you need a blanket,

"you need a flask,

"you need a shovel. "

And he's right, cos whenever

I've killed a man, I'm always parched.

But I am quite practical, I'm quite logical,

in some ways I've got quite a male brain,

and in other ways, I'm quite girlie

and quite feminine, quite emotional.

To be honest, I think

I'm a bit of a mishmash of the genders.

I mean in a personality way.

I don't mean like,

"I've got a bit of a

knobble I can't explain.

"Does yours look like that?"

My friend invited me round for tea.

She said, "Come to mine,

I'll cook all your favourite food. "

What a lovely thing to do,

so of course I went.

Couple of hours later, we're sitting

on the sofa putting the world to rights.

And she blurted out, just out of nowhere,

she blurted out,

"I don't think my lady parts look like

other girls' lady parts. "

What the f***

am I supposed to do with that?

I realized the whole night had been a ploy.

Favourite foods, my ass.

"Come and look at my fanny. "

I said, "I'm not looking at it.

I'm not looking at it.

"But if you draw it on a bit of paper,

"I'll have a look at that. "

So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew

mine as well, and we compared them.

And they were very similar.

She seemed much happier.

She said mine was tidier.

I don't really know what that means.

But I know I definitely don't want to look

at hers now that I know that it's messy.

But it could have been worse

than drawing on paper.

I could have just put some paint on

and done a potato print.

Sometimes wouldn't

even need the paint. Oh!

But what I've been doing

with audiences is asking the ladies

what's best about being a woman,

and the men what's best about being a man.

And then working out whether

I'm more male or female

depending on you guys tonight.

It changes every night and it's fun for you,

but it's ever so slightly terrifying for me.

Let's get cracking. I'm gonna write

them down cos I've got an awful memory.

Let's get some ladies shouting out.

What do we think...

- Always being right!

- F***ing hell!

"Always being right. "

Where are you, love?

- Oh, there you are. Always being right.

- Yeah.

Wow. Are you in a relationship

at the minute?

- No.

- Yes.

You are? Is your partner

with you tonight?

- Yeah.

- Are you all right, love?

Yeah? Always being right is a good answer.

We need a couple more from the ladies.

Best thing about being a woman?

Free dinners!

Free dinners?

- Where are you?

- Cos blokes pay for them.

- Free dinners.

- Yeah.

OK.

- Who pays for the actual dinners?

- He does.

- The fella?

- Yeah.

OK.

They're not really free, though,

are they, love?

Ah!

Hope that pizza's worth it. Ah!

Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies.

Best thing about being a woman?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

Did you just shout out "nothing"?

Nobody's ever said that before.

Why don't you like being...

Are you, like,

due a big operation soon, love?

"I'm done, I've had enough.

"I'm gonna get a cock. "

Would you rather be a man?

- Maybe.

- Oh, you're not really sure?

So, you're not... OK, I'm just gonna put

"indecisive" down for you.

Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner.

- Then I would change my mind.

- Then you would change your mind?

Wow. Shallow as well.

Let's get some ladies shouting out.

What do you think the best thing

is about being a woman?

Tits.

Hello, lady.

"Tits!"

How long have you had them?

Quite a while.

I got mine when I left school.

I mean, that's when they grew.

I don't mean like, "You've done quite well

in your GCSEs. Have some tits. "

"Tits" is a good answer. Thank you.

And there was another lady shouted out.

Are you upstairs or downstairs?

The lady who shouted out something...

Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love.

I just said that we're better at everything.

That's all.

- We're better at everything.

- Yes.

I love that. One woman went "Yeah!"

and the rest of you went "Oh, f***. "

"It's gonna kick off now. "

Better at everything. Everything!

OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna

shout out something that they think

they may be better than that lady at?

Everything.

Pissing through letterboxes.

Pissing through letterboxes.

We've got Shewees.

We can f***ing do that now.

Maybe you are right, lady. Well done!

And we need one more from the ladies.

Best thing about being a woman?

- Being psychic.

- Being psychic.

Oh, OK. Are you trained?

No. Are you in a relationship

at the moment?

Yes. Is this... Oh.

Oh, lovely... Hello, lovely lady.

Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic?

No, she's not, is she?

That's cos it's not real, is it?

The reason she's not

is cos it's not possible.

Er... What do you think

I'm thinking now about you?

That you've what?

Got nice glasses.

Er... Well, OK.

Let's go with that to make her feel better

about herself.

"That I've got nice glasses. "

That's brilliant.

No, that you're a loon

is what I was thinking.

Whatever. OK, let's get some fellas.

Nice fella here.

You're quite young. How old are you?

- I'm 23.

- Twenty-three.

What do you think is the best thing

about being a man, love?

- Saturday football.

- Saturday football.

- Do you play football or is it watching?

- Watching.

Is it gonna kick off if you say

who you support? Will it kick off?

No, it should be all right.

Should be all right. Are we ready?

- Who do you support, love?

- I'm an Arsenal fan.

I've had this answer before

and I said to this fella...

He said football and I said,

"Will it kick off?"

And he said, "I don't know. "

And it was exciting and the whole room

was tense and it was in Liverpool,

the sort of place

where it might well divide opinion.

And he went, "Hull!"

And everybody in the room went, "Who?"

Watching football is a good answer.

Thank you very much.

Let's get more fellas. The fella who shouted

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