Chatterbox Live Page #6

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out about pissing through letter boxes.

- Is that your answer?

- Yeah, that's it. Nothing else.

Nothing else? The best thing about

being a man. "That's it, done. "

"Pissing through letter boxes. "

I've got a Shewee now.

I'm definitely gonna have a go at that.

There was a... A bloke said the best thing

about being a man was peeing standing up.

I said to him, "Where's the weirdest place

you've had a wee?"

And I was doing this, and he went,

"In a water bottle on a stage once. "

Oh, OK. Let's put that back.

I'm very thirsty. It'll be champion.

So, thank you very much, fella.

Let's get some more fellas,

best thing about being a bloke?

Not being a woman.

Is that you up there, fella?

What did...

Somebody said... Was it you?

"Not being a woman?"

What do you think you'd hate

about being a woman?

Not being able to wee

at the side of the road.

Yes, you just take things that have been said

before and pass them off as your own, love.

What would you hate about being a woman?

Not being right.

Not being right?

It's gone from being quite a nice answer

to, like, a rally, hasn't it?

Bless him. She's... Yeah.

She's just doing that "I'm sorry" face.

"I'm sorry. I have this all the time.

He's a dick, I cannot help it. "

Well done, lady,

for putting up with that shite.

You've taken him off the street so we

don't have to go out with him, well done.

We had another fella shout out,

but I didn't quite hear it.

Orgasms.

That's the best thing about being a man?

One at a time.

That's like, "Do you want

that whole packet of biscuits?"

"I'm happy with one biscuit.

"I'll come back to you in about half an hour

and I'll try for another biscuit. "

His wife's going "Ah, ah.

"It's fine, I can feed myself, love. "

I've never made a parallel between

orgasms and biscuits, but I like it.

Thank you very much.

Let's get some fellas shouting out.

Best thing about being a bloke?

- Not having a vagina.

- "Not having a vagina. "

Ooh.

I think some of the men

are disagreeing with you.

Which is quite an odd turn of events.

Not having a vagina.

I feel... You're so against vaginas, sir,

I feel like, you know,

somebody should rub one in your face

before the end of the show.

It's not gonna be me. F*** off.

I've got knickers on that go up to my bra.

It would take too long.

When was the last time you saw one?

Like, on the way out. Yeah.

Was it on the way out? Maybe...

- About 14?

- Yeah.

That was when you were born? No.

That was when you last looked at one.

- OK.

- I have seen them on TV...

You've seen them on TV?

As far as I'm aware, you have to sort of

seek them out on telly, don't you?

I don't think it just pops up

in the middle of, like, Crimewatch.

Maybe it does.

You've seen them on TV?

Is your reaction much like whenever I do

a joke about vaginas and you do that, "Oh!"

Is it the same then?

Do the noise that you do

whenever you see a cock.

What was that he... There was no noise.

He just... He got so excited.

No noise came out.

It was almost an intake of breath,

wasn't it?

Rather than a noise like a...

Like that?

Like when I see a big cake

and nobody around.

Not having a vagina.

Thank you very much.

Let's get two more fellas shouting out

best thing about being a bloke.

- Reverse parking.

- Who said that?

It's, like, three men clapping.

"Reverse parking. "

Reverse... Let's test him.

Shall we test him?

There's a lady in the front.

"Yes. Test him. "

Reverse parking.

How long you been driving, love?

About 30 years.

30 years. It was easier then, though.

It was like horses and carts and that.

And can you... Let's test him.

Can you... Can you reverse,

like, in first time?

- Mostly, yes.

- Mostly. Oh, at least he's honest. Mostly.

Er... And can you...

Er, let's have a think, what else?

Can you reverse around a corner?

- Yes.

- F***!

Have you got any points on your license?

No.

Yes!

Ooh!

Relationships stand for f*** all

when it's men against women,

have you noticed?

"Yes, he has. "

Officially my favourite answer now.

What did you say, love?

Three points for speeding

while rushing to help an old lady.

While you were rushing to help the old lady,

you could have killed her friend.

That would have been funny. Well...

In hindsight. Maybe it's not at the time.

Thank you very much for your answer.

- Best thing about being a bloke?

- No periods.

"No periods. "

Oh!

Well, the women all hate you.

That's a good answer.

Let's get some more fellas shouting out.

Best thing about being a bloke?

- Having a beard.

- Having a beard!

Having a... Er, is that laziness

or do you like the way it looks?

- Feels.

- Feels? You like the way it...

Do you just sit at home

and just...

OK. I do this when I'm driving. People pick

their nose when they're at traffic lights,

I do what I call feeling for beard.

So I do that.

F***, I've got one! I've got one! F***!

Let's get some more fellas.

Best thing about being a bloke?

- Grindr.

- Grindr.

Ooh, there was one clap.

You might have found a mate.

Do you want to explain to those

who don't know what Grindr is?

It's all right.

Is that an app where you can find

a gay man, is that right?

- Yes.

- Excellent. OK.

It's good that there was

one other clap, though, isn't it?

I feel like he might have

found somebody tonight.

But chances are you probably already

knew where he was

and had sussed him out

and decided you didn't f***ing like him.

We've got more for the blokes.

We need another one from the ladies.

- Best thing about being a woman?

- Multiple orgasms.

Multiple orgasms.

A small pocket of women are clapping

and some of the men are going... "What?

"Do you mean, like,

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday?

"January, February, March.

"2009, 2010... "

Multiple orgasms. Okeydokey.

Now let's work out whether

I'm more male or more female.

This is ever so slightly terrifying.

"Always being right. "

I don't think that applies to me.

"Free dinners. "

F***, no, I've got self-respect. Er...

Tits. I'm with you all the way, love.

So I'm gonna tick tits.

Sounds good. I like that. Tick tits.

I don't think we're better at everything.

"Not having a vagina. " Well, I do.

So I can't tick that one.

And reverse parking.

Sometimes I get it in first time and

I'm genuinely surprised when that happens.

Nobody more surprised than me.

I just pull in and go, "Ooh, it worked!"

So I can't tick that one.

And I can't tick "No periods. "

I clearly can't.

I don't mean clearly. Oh, uh...

I mean, I have periods,

but it's not... Is it? No.

If I walk ahead will you

check the back of my skirt?

And yeah, "Multiple orgasms. "

Tick. I can now piss through a letter box.

Awesome.

"Watching football. " I'm not interested

in football so that doesn't apply to me.

And Grindr wouldn't really help me

an awful lot, I don't think.

Beard. I'm going to tick that as well.

It's like a part-time job

keeping on top of mine.

You're laughing, but it's my life.

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