Chatterbox Live Page #7

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So, I am one, two parts woman and...

Oh, no! Two parts man.

I feel like I should show you

at least a bollock.

I'll tell you my favourite answers.

My favourite girl answer.

She wasn't even a woman, she was a girl.

She was 16.

And she said,

"The best thing about being a woman,

"we can look at b*obs whenever we like. "

It was a good answer. She said, "Well, men

have to earn the right to look at your b*obs. "

I thought she seemed awfully young

to know about such things.

I said, "Give us an example of something

a man would have to do

"to earn the right to look at your b*obs. "

And she quite simply said,

"They have to be nice. "

- Aw.

- And it was a lovely moment,

but loads of the women in the room went,

"Oh, my God! She's right.

"We've been showing our b*obs

too bad men for years. "

My favourite male answer is a man said,

"The best thing about being a man

is dicking things. "

I had to have this explained to me.

I didn't know what it was.

Dicking things is the act

of hitting things with your dick.

Two days after I met him...

.. I met a lovely lady, and she said,

"Do you remember the man

who said 'dicking things'?"

And I said "Yes".

She said, "Well, he's my fianc. "

I said, "Did you know

about the dicking things?"

"No. "

She said she had to go over

all the surfaces with a Flash wipe.

I've only been doing stand-up

for about six years.

And before that, my life was

quite substantially different.

I was married

and I had a job that I hated so much,

I used to try and get knocked over

on the way in.

I wasn't suicidal.

Just a couple of ribs or a leg.

Well, like I say,

my life is quite different now.

I spent some time with my sister recently

and she said, "You've changed. "

Ooh! You know that voice

that they put on.

The big-sister voice, that even though at 35

and 41 still frightens the sh*t out of us.

"You've changed. "

I said, "How have I changed?"

She said, "You never used to eat peas

when you lived with us. "

That's the kind of crazy lifestyle

she thinks I've got now.

I always get free peas everywhere I go.

Obviously, we stay in hotels.

When you're on the road,

you stay in hotels

and normally quite reasonable ones,

but sometimes I get put in quite posh ones.

People put me...

I've never... I've never been

in a hotel room before that had a bidet.

Has anybody else... Give us a cheer

if you've had a go on a bidet.

Where the f*** have I been?

- Has anybody got one at home?

- Yeah.

Shut up! Who's got one at home?

The knitter.

You've got two bidets?

Are they, like, side by side, so you can,

you know, at the same time?

Well, we bought the house

from some Italians.

Oh, well, that explains it all

if you bought the house from some Italians.

Well known for their dirty bits.

You've got an upstairs bidet

and a downstairs bidet?

That's amazing.

Maybe you can answer this question, then.

Cos I've never been on a bidet before.

I know, I'm 35. Shut up.

I said, "I'll have a go. "

I had a bit of time. Uh...

But there aren't any instructions

and I didn't really know how it worked.

Maybe you can answer this question.

Am I supposed to face the wall?

No. Is that not right?

I didn't know. Is that not right? No.

I didn't know, but like I say,

I had a bit of time so I tried it both ways.

One way it was all right.

The other way it was bloody lovely.

By the time I'd finished

you could eat your dinner off it.

Of course, I had to go back on then

cos it'd be covered in gravy.

We don't have bidets where I'm from.

Just have damp flannels.

But I'm never gonna get a bidet.

I've got a flat with four rooms.

I'm never going to get something that

takes up so much space that I'd rarely use.

Having said that,

I have still got a cooker.

I'm not very good in the kitchen.

I know where it is,

cos that's where the biscuits are.

I couldn't remember the verb "to cook"

the other day

and I rang me boyfriend and said,

"I've just ovened a pie. "

But Jamie Oliver's got these

30-minute meals now, hasn't he?

30-minute meals, bless him. He still thinks

we've got half an hour to do the tea.

30-minute meals,

nothing to boast about.

I can do a good spaghetti Bolognese

in four minutes on high.

In 30 minutes, I expect to have ovened it,

eaten it, f***ing shat it out by then.

I tend not to see my friends of an evening,

cos I work most nights.

So I see my friends,

we go out for lunch.

I really like going out for lunch

with my friends.

Went out with one of my friends...

She's lovely, but she's bit of a moaner.

Went out for a nice meal,

she complained about the food,

so we had to send the food back,

and I made some hilarious remark

about how the chef's now gonna

go and wank in our soup.

She came out with the best answer ever.

She just went, "Oh, good.

I haven't had sex in ages. "

Now, surely she doesn't think

that merely ingesting spunk...

is the same as having actual sex.

If only it was that straightforward

when you can't really be bothered.

"Just bung it in a smoothie.

I'll have it later on. "

Could be one of my five a day.

I took my mam, dad and my sister

out for a nice meal just before Christmas.

And midway through the meal,

my mam said,

"When me and your dad go,

we're gonna go together. "

I said, "What are we talking about now?"

"When me and your dad go,

we're gonna go together. "

I said, "Are you talking about

a suicide pact?"

And she went,

"No. We're not gonna call it that. "

So, I sort of did the "What the f***?" face

at my sister. The...

And she quite calmly just said,

"As long as they leave me

a letter explaining it,

"cos I'm not gonna go to prison for them. "

Just getting steadily worse.

So I looked at my dad, cos my dad's

like the voice of reason in our family.

And I said,

"What do you think about this?"

And he went, "First I've heard of it. "

He did look genuinely gutted as well.

Like he had massive plans for what

he's gonna do after my mam had died.

When I was in Australia

I missed my family terribly

and I used to Skype them once a week.

You know Skype where you can see

each other through your computers?

It makes home feel closer, I think,

if you can see people's faces

as well as hear their voices.

They'd sit around their computer -

Mam, Dad, my sister -

in a semi-circle, once a week.

And at the end of every call,

- they'd lean in and kiss the webcam.

- Aw.

Which was lovely,

but terrifying the first time it happened.

Ahhh!

I know my sister knows about computers.

I know my dad used to work

with computers,

but I'm pretty sure my mam

doesn't really know how it works.

I know that she definitely doesn't know

that I can still see her face

even when I'm not talking to her.

Cos I'd talk to my mam, then I'd move on

to my sister, and I'd go, "How's work?"

And my mam would do this.

I used to Skype my boyfriend as well

and I Skyped him every day.

And I work, you know, away from...

There'll be people in this room tonight

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