Chatterbox Live Page #8

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who work away from home,

and I don't think it gets any easier

the more you do it.

I was in Australia for six weeks

and midway through

I just got quite flat and quite sad,

and just really wanted to go home.

And on one of those days,

when I rang my boyfriend,

when his face came up on the screen

there was such a well of emotion in here,

that the first thing I said to him

wasn't hello.

The first thing I said was,

"You're too far away. "

- Aw!

- So he moved the webcam.

I didn't have the heart to tell him

I meant geographically.

He just got the laptop and went like that.

"Is that better, love?"

Bless him.

But whenever I spend time with my sister,

we always go shopping.

Cos my sister's a really

good influence on me.

For example, if I buy make-up

I always buy cheap make-up.

Cos if I buy cheap make-up,

I can buy more make-up.

That's how my mind works.

My friend said to me the other day,

"I like that glittery eyeliner you've

got on. Where did you get that from?"

I said, "It's from ASDA."

She said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah". I said, "It smarts a bit,

but it was only four pound. "

But my sister said, "Why don't we just buy

one thing that's good quality,

"a bit more expensive and will last?"

I said, "That's a good idea. "

So I bought a blusher.

And you know how make-up,

all the colours have names these days.

My blusher's called "Orgasm".

I said, "Why does it

have to be called Orgasm?"

Why can't it just be f***ing peach?

I mean, "Peach".

Would be more fun if make-up

was swearier, though, wouldn't it?

- I like your nail varnish. - Thanks

very much, it's called Shitting Red.

My sister was determined to embarrass me

in front of our parents.

And she went,

"Tell Dad what your blusher's called. "

"No. "

"Tell Dad what your blusher's called. "

"No. "

I said, "Look, we're 35 and 41.

"Are you really going to

reduce us to children?"

And she went,

"Tell Dad what your blusher's called. "

I said, "Right, shut up. I'll tell him. "

So I said, "Dad... " You gotta

limber up for this kind of conversation.

I said, "Dad. " He went, "Uh-huh. "

I went, "My blusher... "

"My blusher's called Orgasm. " And he

thought he'd do a funny joke and he said,

"When you put it on does it make

your face do this?" And I went, "Whoa!"

"Whatever you're about to do,

you must never do when I am there. "

God!

I do... I like going shopping,

but I don't find shopping very relaxing.

What normally happens is

I go in a shop that I like,

I try on some clothes that I like.

Most of them won't fit,

and I walk out shouting something

along the lines of,

"Oh, so I'm an 18 in here?

Well, f*** off. "

And then I have to go and buy a handbag

to calm down.

Cos you're never too fat for a handbag.

Although these days they've got those ones

that have just got the short straps

and they just go right under your arm.

I think it's just a matter of time before

I have to get buttered out of a handbag.

And I know what I'm talking about as well,

cos I was once cut out

of a dress in Monsoon.

That wasn't my favourite day.

The lady said, "I'll just go

and get the scissors.

"Why are you crying?"

"Cos I'm gonna have to wear this dress

for the rest of my natural life

"and I don't even know

if I f***ing like it. "

I've been buying myself

new knickers recently.

Whenever I buy knickers,

I always buy daft knickers.

So they've always got like

cakes or cats or stars or hearts

or slogans, that sort of thing.

Generally from a supermarket,

occasionally from Marks and Spencer's

if they've got an offer on.

Three for a tenner, try and f***ing stop us.

One of the supermarkets has recently

had a range of superhero knickers.

And they're awesome.

And I've got enough pairs now that

I can be invincible for five days in a row.

I rang my sister cos I thought

she'll want to know about these.

She said, "What sort of thing

have they got on?"

And I said, "I've got some with Wonder

Woman on and some with She-Ra on. "

And there was a little pause,

and she went, "The footballer?"

I love that she thinks I've got knickers

with Alan Shearer's face on.

I love a slogan on a knicker.

I love a slogan on a knicker.

Erm... The best slogan I ever had,

it said, "I'd do anything for love. "

And on the back, "But I won't do that. "

I mean, it was written on in Biro,

but still.

I went into Marks and Spencer's recently

to try some clothes on.

And the same thing happens that always

happens when you try clothes on in there.

The lady took the clothes off us

that I wanted to try on,

she hung them on the rail,

she gave us the tag,

she swished the curtain.

All very normal so far.

But as she swished the curtain,

her parting shot.

She said, "Just give us a shout

if you need any bigger sizes. "

Whoa.

So I swished it back just as quickly

and went,

"I think you'll find you mean 'different',

you b*tch. "

While I was in Marks,

I went to the lingerie department.

In the lingerie department

they had a stretchy, lacy,

all-in-one kind of body

stocking type of thing.

Presumably for sort of sexy time.

I can't imagine any actual practical use.

Maybe straining vegetables.

And on the bottom of the packaging, it said,

"One size fits most. "

That clearly used to say, "Fits all".

You gotta pity the poor woman

who had to go in and go,

"You need to change

your packaging, pet.

"It doesn't fit all.

"It's still on one leg. "

But I told you I don't have children.

Give us a cheer if you have got kids.

And if you haven't.

More energy, I like it.

I don't have children, and it's by choice.

I just don't really like them.

I've never been very maternal.

Apart from the tiny kittens.

There's a reason right there.

Shouldn't have f***ing kids.

"I'm sorry, it just popped. "

I think if you ask any woman who doesn't

have kids what would worry them

about having kids,

the answer would be childbirth.

It's a reasonable thing to worry about

cos what you're basically doing

is you're forcing a person out.

That's what you're doing,

you're... forcing a person out.

I've never forced a person out.

I've forced a couple in.

With a shoehorn.

No, it was just my thumb.

One of the reasons

I'm not very good with kids,

I was never around them as a child.

I was always the youngest.

My mam had my sister, then she had me,

then she had her tubes tied.

When she went to the hospital

the nurse said, "Are you sure?"

She said, "Yeah, we only wanted two.

We got two.

"We'd like to go ahead with the procedure. "

And the nurse said,

"What if one of them dies?"

And my mam was like,

"It's not like I just want any two. "

"Well, we've got a set of bunk beds.

It seems a shame to waste one. "

I do have friends who are mothers. Mothers

do a brilliant job, don't get me wrong.

But the kind of mothers that I don't like,

and we all know one of these,

are the mothers

who have four or five children,

and who think that you don't know

how to do anything

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