Chatterbox Live Page #9

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because you don't have kids.

It can be the simplest of tasks,

you know the sort of thing, sort of,

"Well, I mean,

I know how to open a tin of beans,

"cos I've got children.

"Don't know how'd you know

how to open a tin of beans,

"cos you don't have children, do you?

"No. Aw!"

"But I could probably open a tin of beans

with my fanny, but I bet you f***ing couldn't.

"With the ring pull as well. "

I say that so you don't think

I've got a big jaggedy fanny.

I was in the shop and this little boy

came running over,

maybe about five-year-old, came over, put

his hand in mine and shouted, "Mummy!"

And I thought, "Ooh, I sometimes forget

my keys, but I think I'd remember that. "

Then his dad came over.

I thought, "I wonder if this is like

the best chat-up line ever. "

And his dad's gonna go,

"No, no. That's not your mummy.

"Remember your mummy left us

cos my willy's too big. "

I had to go to family planning

just before Christmas.

Oh, my God! I was the oldest by 20 years.

I was mortified!

And the lady said, "Do you want

some free condoms while you're here?"

And I thought, "Out for nowt. "

Just before Christmas, probably use them

as stocking fillers or something.

And she said,

"Would you like flavoured ones?"

And I thought, "You bugger, this is

advanced compared to when I used to go. "

And I said, "Look, love, I'm 35.

"The only flavor I'd want a condom

to taste of is cock. "

Apparently they don't do those.

So I had to settle for

the two most popular lines,

which were Lambrini and Greggs pasties.

Told you there'd be some cock ones

coming round for you, flower.

Let me ask you guys a question.

Shout out, anybody in the room

who's ever broken anything during sex.

Takes a bit of settling in.

Yeah. You broke something?

- Where are you?

- Lamp.

- A lamp or a lamb?

- A lamp.

Where are you, love?

There you are. Hello, love.

It was a lamp. What kind of lamp?

It had a, like, ceramic base to it.

Ooh, a ceramic base.

Oh. And did it just... Was it, like,

movement and it just toppled off or...

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Pretty much.

- Did anybody get hurt or was it all right?

- No, it was all fine.

It was all right. So, we've got a lamp/lamb

from the lady over there.

Lamp is a good answer.

Thank you very much.

- What else have we got?

- Bed.

A bed. Where are you, love?

Hello, flower. Up there.

And you broke the bed. Was it fixable

or did you have to buy a new one?

- We got a new one.

- You got a new one?

OK. There's lots of giggling

going on there.

Is it... Let's have a look.

Is it the partner that you're with?

Well, I mean, sorry,

but if you sit in couples like that

I'm gonna make assumptions

about you, flower.

Er, so it's this lady here,

the one that's looking desperately

like she wishes she wasn't here.

So, did you insist on the new bed?

Was it a chance to get a new bed?

It was at uni and the landlord

said I had to buy a new bed.

It was at uni and the landlord said

you had to buy a new bed.

Did he come in and inspect it?

Did you lose your bond?

It's what happens, isn't it,

when you f*** a bed to death.

Something's gonna have to go.

Was anybody hurt or was it all all right?

It was fine. So, we've got a bed,

thank you very much, couple,

who love sitting next to each other

so much.

So, we've got a bed

and we've got a lamp.

- What else have we got?

- Dessert table.

A dinner table? Who said a dinner table?

- Dessert table.

- A bird table?

Were you the bird on the table?

- What did you say? Shout louder.

- I said dessert table.

A dessert table?

All of my tables are dessert tables.

I'm just guessing, but are you quite posh?

"Er, this is for the bruschetta.

"Then we move over here and we've got... "

I don't know, sausage and mash?

Don't know.

Er... I can't even think of

a posh main course.

Did you say coq au vin?

F***ing surprise!

He's got it on the f***ing brain!

Do you really have a table

just for desserts?

- Yes?

- No. We worked in a restaurant.

Oh, you worked in a restaurant.

So you're really not posh. No.

And was it... Did it have...

Why were you having sex at work?

I like that there's at least

60 per cent of the room going,

"My sex life is rubbish. "

So, was the restaurant still open?

Were people, like, trying to get the jelly

and ice cream from round you, and that?

We were under the dessert table.

Under the dessert table.

Don't I feel like a proper tit now.

See, if it was me, I'd probably... I'd want

to be in, like, writhing in amongst it.

And then I'd just go, "You know what, fella,

I don't really need you. "

Oh, crme brle!

See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes!

Did you get caught?

No. Well, now everybody knows

cos it's on a DVD, isn't it?

"I think I used to work

in Nando's with her. "

Dessert table is a good answer.

Thank you very much, love.

What else have we got?

Rear-view mirror.

- A what?

- A rear-view mirror.

A rear-view mirror.

OK, there's lots of questions here. Erm...

Hello, by the way.

- Er... was the car moving?

- No.

No, OK, that's safety first.

Gotta get that out of the way.

Was it knocked off with an ass,

by any chance?

- I think so, yeah.

- You think so.

Did you not notice till you were

trying to drive away?

"There's something not right.

No, it's not the spunk in my hair, it's...

"That's normal. It's Tuesday.

"Can't seem to see behind me. "

"You've still got it

in the cleft of your ass, love. "

Now, just... Did it shear off

or just unclick?

Because you can slot them back in,

can't you? Apparently. Shut up.

- Did it?

- It was quite an old car. It just came off.

It was quite an old car.

Oh, yeah, classy, aren't you?

Having sex in an old car.

- Well done! Was it through the day?

- No!

No, no, obviously.

Look, you're like, "What do you think

I am, some kind of monster?"

Anybody else... You know how everybody

talks about dogging and everything,

and I don't know anybody who does it.

Maybe I do.

But every time I see two cars together,

I just go, "Dogging".

Just automatically.

One of them sometimes is an RAC van.

"Dogging. "

No, they're not.

So, a rear-view mirror is a very good

answer. Thank you, flower.

- Have we got anybody else?

- Blood vessels.

Blood vessels.

We've gone all the way from lamp

to blood vessels.

Er...

Where were the blood vessels?

Laying there as you do,

I thought he was dribbling on me.

You thought he was dribbling on you.

We need to know the rest

otherwise I'll not sleep.

Just put your fingers in your ears

if you're already feeling a bit sick.

We've all... Did you just say

"You've all been there"?

Then there was a bit too much dribble.

Too much dribble.

It's a telltale sign, pet.

Turned the lamp on

and looked like a butcher's slab.

You turned the lamp on

and he looked like a butcher's slab.

You looked like a butcher's slab.

He was champion.

He was ready for the next go.

- Passion killer.

- So...

Yes, it would be a passion killer.

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