Chatterbox Live Page #10

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If it wasn't a passion killer,

there's something wrong with you.

So, you didn't actually work out

where the blood came from?

- It was his nose.

- Oh, it was his nose.

It could have been a lot worse. Probably

the most painful one I've had so far,

- a man said he'd broken his banjo string.

- Ohhh!

It's about c*cks. You should like this one.

Snapping them and that. No.

If you don't know what a banjo string is,

you should just google it when you get in.

I'm not gonna tell you, I'm not your mam.

Ew! Shouldn't be your mam

that ever tells you that.

"Now, things you need to know.

What can snap on a cock?"

I love that noise

when you say "banjo string",

and a lot of people in the room

know what it is,

and other people are going,

"Why was he playing a banjo?

"I don't get it.

Doesn't sound very sexy to me.

"It's not a sexy instrument. "

Thank you very much for that, flower.

God, I hope everybody is all right now.

Jesus Christ.

There was a man, actually...

I did a show and a man shouted out

that he'd broken his foot during sex.

And I said,

"Did you carry on or did you stop?"

And he said, "Carried on. "

And I recognised his accent.

He was a Geordie.

And I thought he probably didn't even

put his f***ing pie down.

It's a very personal question

and I am grateful to those of you

who did join in, thank you very much.

What sometimes happens is people go,

"I won't tell her in front of all those people,

but I'll send her an email when I get in. "

And I'm like,

"Ooh, I've got an email. Oh! Oh!"

Although I have got a man who, er...

a man who sorts my website out.

So, he actually filters my emails.

Mainly because I'm not very technical,

but also...

Because for a while I was getting loads

of pictures of men's c*cks just sent to me.

And now he can print them off

so I can put them on the wall.

Just as a border. It's not too much.

"Would you like to sleep in the cock room

this evening?"

But probably my...

Probably the best one

that I've ever had by email,

a lady said she'd broken a man's pelvis.

Yeah, it was a one-night stand,

she was on top. He was screaming.

She thought he was

having a marvellous time.

But my favourite one in a show,

a lady said she'd broken a man's spirit.

Think we've all done that

from time to time.

I broke my vibrator once.

That counts, right?

And normally when I break things,

I give them to my dad to fix.

I cannot do that.

So I just whacked it off the bedside cabinet

and got it going again!

It's not really a joke, that one.

It's just a tip for the ladies.

I told you I live on my own.

My boyfriend also lives on his own.

Some people think that's quite odd

that we've been together a few years

and we don't live together.

We feel like

we've got the best of both worlds,

because we have a few days a week

together and a few days a week apart.

And it's sort of ideal.

There was a time that he moved in with me

for three months

because he was between flats

and it made sense.

And I was fine with it

because there was an end date.

I'm a bit stuck in my ways.

"I love you, but bye!"

And while he was at mine

for those three months

I worked away for a week,

and when I came back

some things had changed in my flat.

And I said, "Er, love, erm...

"er... one of the towels

smells of bums.

"You got any idea what that might be?"

Without even thinking, he just went,

"That will be my bum towel. "

So when he did eventually move out,

as a housewarming present

I brought him a small, brown hand towel.

It's good because it's brown.

He doesn't have to wash it.

He can just crack it and use it again.

But his mam came round to his flat...

His mam's lovely.

She came round to his flat and she said,

"Got you a new duvet set. "

He said, "I don't need a new duvet set. "

She said, "You have one you just wash and

put back on. This way you'll have a change. "

He said, "That's lovely,

thank you very much. "

So, she put it on and it was lovely.

It was all patterned, sort of matching.

It was really nice.

It was a little bit flowery for him,

just a little bit flowery for him.

And he went to have a look

and he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

He came back out and he went,

"She's made my bed gay. "

I said, "No, love, just cos it hasn't got

spunk and dinner on it doesn't make it gay. "

"Clean, that's the word you're looking for.

It's clean. "

And his mam had overheard

and she came in and she said,

"It's not a gay bed. If it was a gay bed,

there'd be shackles. "

What DVDs has she been f***ing

watching?

But he is a lovely man. He's lovely.

We were in bed the other day

and he got quite animated. And, er...

And he shouted out "Feel how hard that is!"

And I thought, "You bugger, it's Tuesday,

we didn't have this booked in. "

Turns out he was talking about

the skin on his feet.

I thought about taking him to one of those

places that are popping up all over,

where it's got a tank with a fish in

and you put your feet in,

and the fish nibble at the hard skin.

I thought about taking him to one.

I cannot do that.

The poor little fish.

They'll think he's got f***ing shoes on.

I'm just gonna take him

to a blacksmith instead.

But he's the nicest person I've ever met.

He's a genuinely good man.

And in January this year, I said to him,

"I think it's about time

we started talking about the future. "

And that's what I expected from him,

like an awkward silence.

Maybe some footsteps

as he walked the f*** out of my life.

But he didn't. He just smiled.

Just really like a beaming grin.

And I was really touched and I thought,

"Oh, my God!

He wants to spend his future with me.

"Yay!"

And I said, "Are you sure you're all right

talking about the future?"

And he went,

"What? Like flying cars and that?"

But I've never cheated on a boyfriend

and I never would.

But I think I've found

the acceptable face of adultery.

I was sitting on a train,

on the aisle seat, and a blind man got on.

And he was using the tops of the chairs as

sort of leverage to get along the carriage.

And at one point the train wobbled

and he lost his balance.

And he put one hand firmly on my boob.

And I let him.

I even crossed over

for when he came back from the loo!

But we've started sort of spicing things up

in the bedroom.

There's different ways you can do this,

as I'm sure you know.

The first way is you can have a shower.

Nice couple here at the front.

Have you ever had a shower together?

Oh! He thinks he might

and she doesn't.

Because the first thing I said to my fella,

I said, "You know what?"

He was going in the shower and I said,

"Maybe you'd like some company?"

And he said, "Just give us five minutes

till I've washed my ass. "

But whenever we have a shower,

it always starts off really well,

and then halfway through I realise,

"This is just cleaning now, isn't it?

"There's nothing sexy going on any more. "

It's when he says the words "Arms up. "

But he is very thorough.

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