Chatterbox Live Page #11

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Other things you can do...

You can get dressed up.

Got a nice couple in the middle.

Fella, have you ever dressed up,

like in an outfit? No, you haven't.

How old are you guys?

I'm 38.

Thirty-eight. See I asked a couple

much older than you guys,

so late sixties, early seventies.

And you can always tell

when a couple have been together too long.

They had that sort of empty, sad,

hollow expression.

And the way you can tell is when you ask

them how long they've been together,

and before they do a number,

they always do a little horse impression.

So, you go, "How long have you two

been together?" And they go...

"30 years, 40 years. F*** knows. "

So I asked the old man, "Have you ever

dressed up in an outfit or a uniform for sex?"

And he went "No. "

I looked at his good lady and I said,

"Is there anything you'd like him

to wear in bed?"

And she went "A shroud. "

But I also asked a young lad,

much younger than you, sort of 16 or 17...

I shouldn't have been talking

to a 16-year-old boy about sex.

But I just thought it would give us

something to rub my button to later on.

Does everybody...

People know what that is, don't they?

People have different names for it. My

friend said, "What's rubbing your button?"

And I had to do a little action.

And she said,

"Ah, you mean checking your lettuce. "

Don't know what that is.

But this young lad, 16-year-old,

of course he'd never dressed up for sex.

Just having sex is excellent.

But I asked him if he got dressed up,

what would he dress up as?

And he went, "Fireman. Fireman...

"Ooh, ooh, Spider-Man! Spider-Man!"

"We're not talking about sex any more,

it's just pyjamas. "

I was gonna say that I've dressed up, but

I haven't really. It's slightly different.

I was once on top and he tried to put a sock

on one of my b*obs.

It's not the same thing, is it?

No girl ever wants to hear that her b*obs

are lovely and long.

And it stayed on as well. And I wasn't sure

whether to be pleased or not.

Other things you can do.

You can use food.

Let's get... What about...

Fella on the end, what kind of food

you think you could use in sex?

- Ice cream.

- Ice cream is a good answer.

What about nice fella in the nice shirt,

what kind of food you think?

- Chocolate.

- Chocolate!

Did somebody shout cucumber?

Ice cream and chocolate.

And what about nice fella here?

What kind of food you think to use in sex?

Absolutely no idea.

Oh, look at his wife's face.

To be honest, she looks quite happy,

like they haven't even needed that.

"We haven't got to that stage that you're at

with your boyfriend of five years". F*** off!

I like asking fellas, cos fellas come out

with a variety of interesting answers.

No offence to the ladies,

but ladies always say chocolate.

Chocolate sauce...

F***ing hell!

Put a Twix up there, whatever.

As long as I can have

a chocolate bag afterwards.

I asked a man recently

what kind of food he had used in sex.

And he said noodles.

I've had a bloke say chips

and a bloke say curry.

I think men are picking things they're

probably gonna have for their tea anyway.

Just using their partners as plates.

But I asked an old man,

an old man in his eighties.

I said, "What food do you think

would be good to use?"

He said ice cream. And ice cream's

a good sort of classic answer.

But it wasn't so much the answer he gave

as the noise he made while he was thinking.

Because he went like this...

What was he thinking

while he did that noise?

"What goes well with vagina?

"Ice cream!"

My favourite answer

was a guy who just said cream.

But he went like that...

Like squirty.

I thought, "Well, obviously,

you're not just gonna spoon it at her,

"hope she catches it

in all the right places. "

Then he went like this,

he went, "Pack her full. "

Oh!

I'm so glad that you're as horrified

as I was!

"Pack her full. "

To be fair, he was a plasterer.

"Just smooth that over. Not getting

any more bother from that crack. "

But the last thing you can do is dirty talk.

We thought we'd give it a go.

We've never done it to previous partners.

We thought we'd give it a go.

And I said, "Well, I'll start off. "

Because I'm, you know,

an independent woman.

I didn't do that. That'd be a really

weird way of starting off, wouldn't it?

"I'm ready. "

I didn't know what you're supposed to say

and I just sort of went, "Ooh, er... "

"Erm...

"I've been a bad girl!

"I'm sorry about that. "

And he just went, "Apology accepted. "

But recently, I've had a bit more practice

and he went,

"You've been such a bad girl... "

".. that I think I'm going to

have to punch you. "

He's gone too far there. Hasn't he?

But I misheard him. He hadn't said punched,

he said punish.

Which is apparently entirely acceptable

in terms of sexy lingo.

But he hadn't thought it through,

cos I said,

"What kind of punishment

did you have in mind?"

He said, "Do the dishes!"

But we're clearly not married.

Give us a cheer if you are married.

And if you're not...

More energy again.

Have we got any divorces in?

Yeah!

F***ing... The happiest of all.

"Been there, done that. F***ed it off. "

Now, I'm divorced. And when I got divorced,

it came as quite a surprise to me. Erm...

Surprise is probably the wrong word,

isn't it? Shock's probably a better word.

Surprise just sounds like you

burst out of a big cake.

It would've been better had he done that,

cos at least there would have been

f***ing cake.

For a while after getting divorced, I found

I wasn't invited to quite as many weddings.

I think people thought I was going to

walk in like the bitter divorce and go,

"Uh-huh.

"You enjoy your f***ing day.

See how long this bastard lasts. "

I've recently been invited to more weddings.

I went to one a few months ago

and instead of having a wedding cake,

they had a spiral cake stand

that had cupcakes all the way around

and a massive cupcake on the top

that I sort of had my eye on.

But I suspected maybe one of

the wedding party had claimed that as well.

The groom came over to me and said,

"Thanks for the recommendation. "

Cos I had recommended

the cupcake shop.

That's a scary day, when you've just

recommended a cupcake shop

and you don't even live

in that f***ing town.

He said, "Thanks for the recommendation.

I know you want the cake.

"The band's gonna come on in a minute,

do two sections.

"In their break, that's when

we're gonna do cake stuff. "

So pretty much every time

the band looked like

they'd come to the end of a song,

I just stood up.

When I was eventually right,

I went over to the cake stand,

I picked a cake,

my boyfriend did the same.

My friend, my friend's wife.

Four of us picked our cakes,

went back to our seats,

smug as f*** that we'd missed the queue.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. "

Glanced across expecting to see

a long line of people.

The only people that were there

were the bride and groom

having their photos taken at the cake stand.

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