Chatterbox Live Page #12

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The groom came over later on, I said,

"I'm really sorry, but I think

we might've jumped the gun on the cakes. "

And he said, "Don't worry,

when I put the photos up on Facebook,

"I'm gonna tag every gap

with your f***ing name. "

Me and my fella try and be romantic

to each other whenever we feel like it.

Sometimes we celebrate Valentine's Day,

sometimes we don't.

We didn't this year, we did last year.

Last year, a few days

before Valentine's Day,

he said to me, "I could do with some

suggestions, sort of on the present front. "

I said, "That's fine. " Because I know

some women like a surprise,

but I'm happy to know what it is,

cos I'm really busy and I don't have time

to take the bugger back.

So I said to him, "There's a shop

called Accessorize that I love.

"You could pretty much get anything in there

and you'd be on safe ground. "

I described the kind of thing that I like,

it's relatively inexpensive costume jewellery.

This sort of thing, sort of beads

and little flowery earrings.

Sort of quite plasticky, quite girlie.

You know, quite cheap.

Nothing that looks like actual jewellery.

And he said, "Fine. Logged. "

I do love him,

but that's what he's like. "Logged. "

And off he went.

And I want to show you what he bought us.

Bearing in mind, the last thing I said was,

"Nothing that looks like actual jewellery. "

First thing he bought us was

nine pairs of identical diamant earrings.

Just in case I was thinking,

"That's not enough diamant earrings

"for a girl who has got her ears pierced

just the once",

another three pairs of

almost identical diamant earrings.

The ladies might well have noticed,

especially near the front,

that they're not from Accessorize,

they're from Claire's Accessories.

So I said to him,

"They're lovely, thank you. "

"But you didn't... So you didn't make it

to Accessorize, then?"

He said, "I went to the girl shop. "

I said,

"Yes, it's a 12-year-old-girl shop. "

I reminded him that that's where we got

presents for his nieces, who are 11 and 12.

And he went, "Yeah, cos they're girls. "

His logic was brilliant.

I thought he must have walked in

Claire's Accessories and gone,

"She wants anything from in here. "

I'm lucky that he didn't come home

with a tiara with f***ing kittens on it.

He said, "There's something else

in the bag. "

"Oh, great!"

He said, "I got you a couple of bangles. "

I said, "They're earrings. "

He said, "They're bangles. "

I said, "They're earrings. "

They're like, "I'm off to McDonald's

and I want to fit in. "

I said, "They've got a hinge,

so that you can get them in your ears. "

He said, "That's so that you can

get them on your wrists. "

He thought of everything

apart from anything I told him.

I said, "I hope that when you got to the till

you didn't say they were for your girlfriend.

"Cos if you did, you might well be

on some kind of f***ing register now. "

What I've decided to do to help me relax

is just to find things that make me happy.

Because I think generally whatever

makes you happy makes you relaxed.

And I thought at 35

I knew everything that I liked.

But in the last 12 months, I found

two new things that I didn't know I liked.

The first one was courtesy of a nice lady

on Facebook who said,

"I understand that you like chocolate,

but I don't know if you know this fact,

"that if you have a square of Dairy Milk

"and a square of Galaxy at the same time,

"it's so good

"that it makes you do sex noises. "

I mean like good ones, I don't mean like,

"Ow! Ow! Get it out, get it out!"

I can tell some of you are now working out

your route home via a newsagent's.

Ah!

This show should be sponsored

cos I'm telling you to go and buy chocolate.

The show is not sponsored, but if

a future show is called Dairy Millican...

then maybe things have changed.

The other thing I didn't know I liked.

I told you I don't have kids.

A friend of mine had a baby in August

last year.

I thought I'd buy a present for the bairn,

because that's what you do.

I went into Marks,

went into the baby section.

Had a wander round.

Realised that while I don't like children,

I really love tiny clothes.

Picked up a couple of baby clothes

for the actual child

and then saw the smallest jeans

I've ever seen.

So I bought them.

And I didn't give them to my friend.

I brought them with us to show you.

They do look a little bit like

aspirational jeans, don't they?

"Someday, I'm gonna get in those f***ers. "

I don't know what to do with them. They've

been in a bag since August last year.

Can't put them in cupboard because I don't

have a cupboard for children's clothes.

I can't bin them. Imagine finding

a black bag with just those in.

I might have to kill a child

to avoid looking weird.

Well, I started thinking of different ways

to justify keeping them like...

what if a baby visitor

got caught in the rain?

That has slightly sinister qualities

as well, though, doesn't it?

"Well, let's get you out of

those wet things. "

So I goggled "people who like tiny clothes"

thinking there must be more than me.

There's probably a website,

maybe a support group

where me and my tiny jeans could fit in.

Nothing.

The only name that kept coming up

over and over again was Cheryl Cole.

Because she f***ing wears them.

So, if Cheryl Cole ever comes round

to my house and shits herself...

And if when she shits herself,

she accidentally gets a little bit

on her shoes...

These are only like a month old. A different

friend of mine had a baby a month ago.

I said to my boyfriend,

"I'm gonna get a present for the bairn. "

And he knows me so well that he said,

"While you're there,

why don't you treat yourself?"

Yes! So, I picked up a little cardy and a

little pair of jeans for the actual child,

and then I saw those and I thought,

"I'm f***ing having them. "

I'm aware that it's weird.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

But I didn't want it to look weird

to the lady on the till,

so I made sure

they're all the same age group.

And all sort of matched colour-wise

and I put them on the counter.

She said, "These are lovely. "

I said, "They're for my friend.

She just had a baby. "

She said, "If that's the case,

would you like some gift receipts?"

And I said, "Just for the cardy and the jeans

cos I'm going to keep the plimsolls for me.

"Oh, sh*t!"

My friend said, "Are you gonna get

a denim jacket to go with them?"

I said, "I'm not trying to build

a tiny Bryan Adams. "

I'm so grateful for you all to come tonight.

Thank you very much for coming.

I'm going to leave you on a story.

Me and my fella don't really get

nights off together very often.

So when we do,

we try to make the most of it.

And went out... We call them a date night.

Went out on a date night recently.

Had a curry, lovely curry. Got in,

put a DVD on. Everything going really well.

Halfway through the film, started getting

a little bit amorous, little bit frisky,

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