Chatterbox Live Page #13

---

which I suppose is one of the points

of the date night.

Seemingly, we'd forgotten that

two hours before that, we'd had a curry.

- Nevertheless, he went downstairs.

- Ugh.

Don't mean for a glass of water.

I already told you I live in a flat.

F***ing work it out.

The only reason he'd go downstairs

is to do the bins.

And that should never be

a euphemism for that.

"Do you fancy, er...

"Do you fancy doing the bins later on?"

It doesn't work, does it? No.

So he went...

.. downstairs.

Do you know why I do it like that,

in that little stupid voice?

"Downstairs. "

That's not how I ask him for it, by the way.

"Downstairs,

will you go downstairs later on?"

"Will you do the bins?"

So, he was...

.. downstairs.

And there's no nice way

of saying this to you lovely people,

but I could feel a fart brewing.

Nobody knows what to do, do they?

There's no plan of action for this.

So what I did,

and I don't really know why I did this,

certainly don't know

why I'm telling you lot.

Similar to in the film Rain Man,

I started going, "Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh. "

And he carried on,

cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought

I was doing an impression of Beyonc.

We've clearly not got the hang

of the whole seduction thing.

I think that's fairly evident

from what I've told you so far, isn't it?

I walked in on him the other day and he was

lying on the bed just in his pants.

You know how men think

that's attractive.

And he had one bollock hanging out.

And I thought, "I'm gonna have to

pull him on it. " No! Er...

Question him on it, not pull him on it.

If only they made that noise!

If they made that noise,

I'd never leave the little buggers alone.

I said, "Do you know that you've got

a bollock hanging out?"

He said, "Yes, I do.

I put it out especially for you. "

You lot have been such a joy.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

I've been Sarah Millican.

Thank you very much, good night!

Hello.

Thank you very much.

I'll tell you a little thing

and then I'll let you go home.

I've started doing this thing.

Maybe some of you do this.

I've started listening to people's

conversations on the bus and train.

And I was listening recently to two old

ladies.

They were talking about what they would do

if they were men for a day.

I thought, "This is gonna be good,

"because these old ladies

have got this wealth of experience.

"These answers are

gonna be quite insightful. "

I was out for lunch with my friends

and I asked them the same question.

I said to my first friend, "What would

you do if you were a man for a day?"

Without even thinking, she just went,

"I'd have a wank!"

"It sounds like you need to.

You sound a bit tense, pet. "

Second friend, "What would you do?"

She said, "I'd do everything. "

And I thought she meant like in

a sexual way, like she'd f*** everything.

I said, "Is that what you mean,

you'd do everything?"

And she went, "No, no,

just all the little jobs around the house. "

But these old ladies, different generation

to me and my friends.

In their eighties they were,

and one of them just said,

"Edith, what would you do

if you were a man for a day?"

The other one said,

"Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday.

"And what can you do on a Tuesday?"

And my third friend,

and I will leave you with this,

my third friend took ages to answer.

I said, "Come on, give us an answer. "

And she said, "OK.

"The first thing I would do

is go and find my ex-boyfriend,

"and thwack my hard penis across his face!

"And see how he likes it

first thing in the morning!"

You've been lovely.

Thank you very much! Good night!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes