Cheerful Weather for the Wedding Page #5

Time and tide wait for no man.

There you go. All right.

We're all set.

You're on!

Dolly.

What was it you were saying

about time and tide?

You won't go far.

Well, what are you waiting for?

- Dolly!

- Damn!

Doll, what are you up to now?

We're turning around.

- Joseph!

- Man overboard!

- Joseph, l can't believe it.

- Turn around.

Launch the life boats.

- Joseph!

- Dolly, are you all right?

You want a towel?

Why did you shove off like that?

What did you want me to do?

L wanted you to come after me.

Then you got what you wanted.

Now, you want something else.

Someone's been at the rum, then?

Funny time to be drinking rum.

On a wedding morning.

L think Dolly spilt some.

Like l say, funny time to be drinking rum.

Don't fancy weddings then?

Not this one, no.

Well, we're not all made for it, you know.

My husband said so every day of his life.

And he should know.

Don't seem natural,

this house being so quiet.

Never was a peaceful house.

Quite.

Thank you, Mrs Whitstable. You are kind.

Can l help you to the kitchen?

Don't you fuss yourself, Mrs M.

Lt's been a pleasure

talking to this young man.

L'll go and see to them partridges,

and then l'll be off home and out your way.

- You ought to be at the service, sir.

- Yes, Millman, l know,

but circumstances intervened.

Tell me, Millman,

why do you think people get married?

Sir, when l first came here,

Miss Dolly was only seven years old.

Now, she's a young woman with a husband

and soon, God willing, a family of her own.

People get married, because, as you say,

circumstances intervene.

We rarely see them coming, though, do we?

And that's life, isn't it?

Lf Mrs Thatcham hadn't sent

Miss Dolly to Albania,

none of this might ever have happened.

Circumstances, you see.

Do you think you could telephone for a

taxi to take me to the station, please?

Of course, sir.

Might be a while before it comes, though.

You know what they're like.

That's fine.

L'm leaving tomorrow.

She's blind, isn't she?

She sees everything.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Why weren't you at the church?

L wanted to bomb the vicar with you.

Got them off Bella's chauffeur.

L can't see anything!

L'm going to have to go, Jimmy.

But light a bomb for me, won't you?

Make it a whopper.

Thank you, Betty.

Why your mother feels the need to turn

the house into a shrubbery every Christmas,

l cannot imagine.

- Bye.

- Patten, remind me.

Tiger Bigham has a limp,

and Tony has a monocle?

- Tony has...

- Bob!

Darling, how are you?

Well, you haven't changed a bit.

Canon Dakin.

Have you met the...

Well, the ritual bit is over, Professor,

but the sacrifice is only just beginning!

There's one in every family.

Two in yours.

Thank you so much.

- How old are you, Jimmy?

- Eight and a half. How old are you?

L'm a little over 21.

No, you're not. You're an old woman.

And you, young man, are old enough

to know some manners.

Didn't your mother ever tell you

it's rude to stare?

No.

Well, let me be the first to inform you.

Lt's rude to stare.

L'm not staring. l'm looking.

Lsn't he a little lamb?

- Good God.

Jimmy! Come here, please.

All young men go through

these difficult phases, don't they?

Yes, Miss Spoon, you're quite right.

No end in sight for David's, though.

Lt's done now.

This is the fun part at last.

Evie, you always have fun.

Lt might look like fun, but

this is hard work. Trust me.

You can't honestly be interested

in the Bigham twins?

They're so featureless,

even they can't tell which one is which.

Don't be cruel.

L'm not fussy.

What l want from a man is quite simple.

He must be kind.

And brave.

Just a little bit brave. That's all.

L thought l knew what she wanted,

and it wasn't any of this.

She's shown you, hasn't she?

She just said it out loud in a church.

We all want other people

to make our decisions for us, don't we?

That way we never have to blame ourselves.

L'll leave you to your conquests.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

Only Joseph thinks he's

found a wasps' nest.

Tell me. The little bombs...

Yes, sorry about that.

No, no. They're marvellous.

How do you make them?

Just a little potassium nitrate, and charcoal,

and wax rolled up with the confetti.

Marvellous.

Yes. Never been any good

at that sort of thing.

Can't seem to offer my family

much excitement at the moment.

Can't be easy, being a good father.

Not half as hard as being a bad one.

Jimmy, will you come here this instant?

What do you think of Joseph?

Well, he seems an amusing young man.

That's it, isn't it? He's amusing.

Young women like amusing men, don't they?

L suppose they think it's dangerous.

Dolly's always been attracted to danger.

Aren't we all?

Of course, she doesn't know the difference

between amusing and dangerous!

- Unlike you, Nancy.

- Really?

Well, you're so lucky to have David

who is so dependable.

And amusing sometimes, too!

Don't you think these young people

need saving from themselves?

Did you hear that one, Uncle Horace?

Yes. Yes, l got that one.

That's enough, Jimmy!

Who gave that boy those wretched things?

Joseph made them specially.

L should have known.

My God, if you want one good reason

not to marry, go to a family wedding.

Come on, you.

There you are!

Are chauffeurs allowed to drink?

Surely no one could object

to a glass of champagne at Christmas?

He must be awfully cold out there.

- Anyway, it was lovely, wasn't it?

- What was?

Don't be so cynical, Mr Anthropologist.

Surely you must have appreciated the event

from an academic perspective.

Marriage rituals,

and the herd instinct, and all that.

- Anyway, l hope you didn't get stung.

- What?

By the wasps.

Lf l were Dolly and Owen, l wouldn't want

to spend another second in this house!

L'd be half way to Argentina with nothing but

the starlight and the sunset for company!

Don't be such an ass.

- Time to pose.

- What? Now?

You said Tony had a limp,

and Tiger had a moustache!

L meant a lisp.

Well, they're both

clean-shaven, limp or lisp!

Kitty, outside, please.

The photographer's waiting.

L shouldn't hang about

for Dolly's sake, Joseph.

Why not get Millman to order you a taxi?

She's ordered one already for me,

Mrs Thatcham.

But l can't leave

without toasting the happy couple.

Kitty! The photographs, now!

Have a seat, Tom.

Now remember, this is the happiest day

of your lives!

One more, please.

Tom! Tom! Tom!

Did you see Tom? As drunk as a skunk.

L can't think where he finds it.

Well, when the groom comes

looking for the ring,

it's hardly likely to be a conventional

wedding now, is it?

L hope that Bigham boy knows

what he's taking on.

L'm sure he knows.

Strange creature.

- Yes, the pipes!

Can you hear this, Uncle Horace?

Hello?

Kitty!

Could you give Dolly a message for me

before she leaves?

So Evie gets both Bigham twins,

and l get to run messages for you?

Come on. Just say, "Joseph

sends his love." That's all.

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