Cheerful Weather for the Wedding Page #6

- Why can't you tell her yourself?

- She doesn't want to see me.

- Please.

- All right.

- But you have to do something for me.

- And what's that?

- Tea in London.

- My pleasure.

And you have to bring along

some eligible boys for me.

Kitty, you're far too

good for eligible boys.

What you need are some ineligible ones.

All right.

- Whatever you've got.

- Done.

But not that one

that looks like he's got rabies.

Go!

Hello!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Owen and Dolly certainly appear

to be the perfect couple.

But we hope Dolly is prepared to share

with Owen his other interests.

When he was 1 2, he loved rugby.

- When he was 1 5, he loved rugby.

When he was 21, he loved rugby.

Now, he loves rugby and Dolly.

Ln actual fact,

they complement each other very well.

- They're a handsome couple.

- Aren't they?

- Owen seems a good fellow.

- He is.

L can't say l saw it coming.

Mind you, l'm a dreadful

judge of character.

- l don't believe that.

- Lt's quite true.

My wife always said so.

Female intuition is no longer a feature

of my life, you see.

L'm lost without it.

Well, you know what to do

if something's missing, don't you?

- What?

- Pray to St Anthony.

To Argentina!

- To Argentina!

- To Argentina!

And to Albania.

Jimmy, put those away at once.

L've only got four left.

- l'll make some more if you like.

- No, you can't, Daddy.

Yes, just a little potassium sulphide,

charcoal wrapped up with the old confetti.

Daddy wants me to light one near Aunt Bella

to see if her breath catches fire.

Does he? Very amusing of him.

Nancy, have you seen Joseph?

L think you'll find him in the library.

Why does Dolly look so cross?

Lt's been a long day.

Tom, could you ask Millman

for another jam tart for Jimmy?

Just a second.

The groom is looking for his bride.

Now, Tom.

Right away, Mrs Dakin.

Lt's a shame

your mother couldn't come down today.

Ls she all right?

She's fine.

- You'll say l asked after her, won't you?

- Yes.

You're doing a new course

of lectures, aren't you?

- Yes.

- Six months, isn't it?

Yes.

Do you know what you'll

be doing after that?

No.

- Will you be going away?

- L might.

No, l...

For God's sake,

can we stop talking like this?

No, really. l want to know about it.

L'm interested.

Joseph.

Dearest Joseph.

Come and sit down. What is it all about?

Really, you must tell me.

Lt's no good.

Lt's no use asking me what the matter is.

L don't know myself.

Evelyn said some time ago, not to me,

- that she thought you were in love with me.

- Did she?

Well, perhaps l was some time ago.

But l'm not now.

L haven't been for a good while.

Why do you never tell anybody anything?

- l thought we understood each other.

- L do understand. l do.

You always like to make out

like you are on top of the wave, oblivious,

that you can never be in need

of anyone else's help.

No, that's not me.

What is it that you think

l should have said, Joseph?

That night in Malton...

That night in Malton, you had three ciders

and half a bottle of gin.

For once, can we just say

what it is we're talking about?

Why didn't you tell me

that you were going to marry Owen?

L wrote, and l told you about it.

Yes. That letter from Albania.

Why so soon? Barely two months.

L only decided two months ago.

And he asked, and l wanted to say yes.

What if you had come to Greece,

not Albania?

What if your mother hadn't posted you off

to the honourable Owen?

L've never been made to do anything.

What if l had stopped the wedding, Dolly?

What would you have done then?

What if this? What if that!

What if you weren't you, Joseph?

Anyway, why all the fuss? For God's sake.

You don't want to marry me.

No. No, l know that.

Dolly!

Sorry.

Um...

lt's time to go, Dolly, darling.

Everybody is standing out on the doorstep

waiting to bid us a fond farewell.

L'm sorry to interrupt, darling,

but what is all this about taking

a tortoise along or something or other?

Onboard the liner with us?

Millman said there was a tortoise

waiting for me in the kitchen.

Well, that's all right. lt's my tortoise.

Well, it may be your tortoise, Dolly,

but what is it going to eat crossing over

on the boat, is what l'm wondering.

For God's sake! Do come in, Owen!

What's the matter with you?

Surely there must be something on a big

boat like that for a tortoise to eat.

L mean, really!

That's all very well, but l'm afraid not,

Dolly, all the same.

- Can't it eat dried peas or something?

L don't think a tortoise...

Owen, please stop hovering like that.

Lt...

l mean she likes to eat water biscuits.

L know that for a fact.

And these big liners are loaded with them.

Well, that may be so,

but if you will forgive me for doing so,

l'm afraid l've told Millman

we are not going to take the tortoise.

You did what?

Lt's vanished anyway. No one can find it.

My God, this is outrageous!

Lt's probably half-way across the fields

to Malton by now,

where, believe me,

it will be much happier than...

There you are!

We couldn't think

where on Earth you had got to.

What are you doing in here?

Joseph?

Well, thank you for finding Dolly for us.

Come along, dear. Everybody's waiting.

For goodness sake!

You don't know when you're beaten, do you?

Why can't you just leave us alone?

Hello?

L can't seem to open the door.

Hello?

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Good luck, Doll!

You will write, won't you?

Goodbye!

No limp, no lisp, no moustache, no idea.

L must say, the tattoo's

a complete mystery.

What did l tell you?

Two men from school present

at the ceremony.

That gangly one was all bussing up to me.

L hope Owen knows his way

around these ghastly little roads.

They might never make it to Torbay,

never mind Buenos Aires!

L should think they're thrilled

to be alone at last.

Well, if you want one good reason

not to get married, go to a family wedding.

So sorry. Champagne up the nose.

Are you all right?

Why not go upstairs

and have a good lie-down, Joseph? l would.

No, thank you.

My taxi will be here in a minute.

Well, why not go up

even if only for a minute?

You're not doing yourself

or anybody else any good

by moping round in here

with a face like that, you know.

Run upstairs. Everyone else is headed home.

Lf l were you, l'd need a good lie-down.

Hettie!

L do apologise for appearing

at the drawing room dressed like this,

but a rather strange thing has happened.

L ran up to my bedroom

in order to take a quick bath.

When l returned from the

bathroom, l found...

Ladies underclothes, apparently,

scattered around the room.

Someone has evidently mistaken

my bedroom for her own.

Just gets better and better.

How extraordinary.

Now, Miss Spoon,

what on Earth can l do for you?

Mrs Thatcham,

it really is most awfully embarrassing.

L went to have a bath and came back

to my room for a moment

and all my things had been...

Dear God!

- Unpacked.

- What room are you in?

The Chinese room,

where you yourself put me.

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