ChickLit

Be very scared.

It's a difficult decision.

You've bloody well

done it again.

I was keeping him out,

you idiot.

One is allowed to make

a mistake on occasion.

One is not. One is supposed

to stop bloody Justin

ruining us again.

Gentlemen, what

happened to fair play?

It died the day you were born.

Last domino.

Spawn of the devil.

I can't go!

That must be uncomfortable.

[Chuckles]

I suppose I better, then.

[Laughing]

Come on, come on, pay up.

To them that hath

shall be given.

There you are,

bloated capitalist pig.

Don't hate the player,

hate the game.

No, no, I like the game.

Drinks, anyone?

Whilst you're up, Chris.

Guys, sorry,

there's a bit of a glitch.

Run out of beer?

Yes.

A pump without beer,

now there's

an interesting concept.

Is everything all right?

It's fine, it's just another

cock-up with the delivery.

- Won't happen again.

- Don't worry.

I'm feeling flush.

Let's have a bottle

of their second cheapest claret.

I want beer.

My mother always says

I want and never get.

Exactly.

We'll have some cashews,

as well, please.

Oh, in that case, yes.

You to me.

Good night?

They ran out of beer.

[Woman]

How awful.

Something's not right.

Did you win?

98 pence down.

Poor darling.

Is it Justin again?

I've worked out what it is.

When he goes home first and has

a little slurp with supper,

he's easy meat.

When he comes straight

on from school,

he's like the dominoes

equivalent

of Stephen Hawking.

What are you reading?

Oh, dear.

[Chuckles]

Oh, dear, what?

After returning

from a horrid day in court,

I had the pleasure

of scraping dog poo

off Charlies football boots

with a toothbrush

that I hope I've thrown away.

This was followed

by a rugby match

masquerading as dinner,

then the existential

hell of bath and bedtime.

You have your dominoes.

This is my relaxation.

- Sorry.

- Yes.

Oh!

Oh, Geoffrey!

It's bad enough us

stocking the wretched book,

you don't actually

have to read it, as well.

You'll get high

on your own supply.

It's research.

Ten pages is all I managed.

How many copies

of the new Zadie Smith

- did we sell last week?

- Four.

- And of "she came in chains"?

- Fifty-three.

Including one

to lady Fermley-Cadwaller.

Who said it was

for her granddaughter,

when she was clearly lying.

Can't argue with

your figures, darling.

Nope, but I can argue

with its complete lack

of literary merit.

Which, of course, I concede.

And I can argue in its depiction

of all women as needing

dominated.

Doesn't stop me reading it,

now does it?

Didn't stop me from reading

"lady chatterley."

Yeah, but that was

great literature.

- Was it?

- Yes.

The act of carnality as

an explosion of sensuality,

expression of new wisdom

in the ultimate life

and love experience.

It was about having

sex in a shed.

Was it Miller who said

"it's all this cold-hearted

f***ing, that is death and idiocy"?

See, that's what's so despicable

- is the cold-hearted...

- Stop pontificating.

Read your Hollinghurst.

Don't stress.

[Sighs]

Very childish.

Very, very childish.

[Chuckles]

Do you really get any pleasure

out of reading

that ill-formed garbage?

Pleasure?

Let me think.

Do you mean am I going

to leap on you tonight

demanding that you have

your wicked way with me?

Hmm. Highly unlikely.

I have to take Sarah to have

her nits checked, first thing.

But if you mean

do I derive pleasure

from not having to engage

emotionally or intellectually,

then, yes.

Well, doesn't it worry you

that Sarah could write

more stylishly than...

[Chuckles]

"Lydia Lovemore"?

It would worry me if she

wrote some of this stuff,

I can tell you.

What Lydia doesn't know

about BDSM

- isn't worth knowing.

- BD what?

"Bondage discipline,

sadism and masochism."

Don't you know anything?

I'm proud to say I don't.

That's because you

haven't read the book.

And in answer

to your earlier question,

yes, I do want to be enslaved,

corrupted, beaten

and humiliated,

but not by you, darling.

You'd spend the whole time

worrying about sentence

construction.

It's the basis

of all good writing.

Well, that's a big rich,

coming from someone

who's been planning

that great novel

since the first day we met.

The syntax may leave

something to be desired.

But at least Lydia

gets on her ass

and actually writes something.

After the nit parade,

I'm off to London

to see my dodgy client, then

I'm taking Zoe out to tea,

and don't forget it's dad-and-son

karate after school.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Mom, dad said a rude word.

Oh, forgive him, darling, he's nervous

about being humiliated by you.

Don't you want some

superior reading matter?

I have a zoo-page brief,

but thanks for the thought.

- When will you be back?

- In time for the women's institute.

- What?

- They're holding a special lecture...

"how to avoid rope burns

in bondage situations."

Bye.

Well, I think it's a shame.

Surely they could

have called you.

- Well, they may have.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm having a bit

of trouble with my phone.

Oh, sorry.

Let me at least give you

something towards this.

No, thank you, but, no.

I've got to do this on my own.

Can't go scrounging

off my sister

every time things

get a bit tough.

[Sighs]

I know you're

a wonderful actress,

and you're lmng your dream,

but is it what you really...

- What I want?

- Yeah.

Yes.

What I ought to do,

I don't know.

But I'm damned

if I'm gmng up now

after everything

I've done to get here.

See what you can dig up

about these vegetable wars.

Pardon the pun.

Might be a story there,

like that mad butcher

and his football team-

colored sausages.

Must go, Anna WINTOUR'S here.

If I was Anna Wintour

it's unlikely I'd have someone

who looks like you

working for me.

Fair point. And it's always

delightful to see you.

Good, because I've trekked

all the way up

to your little fiefdom

to give you some nice news.

Oh, in that case, take the

weight off your feet.

Darren!

Coffee for Claire.

She's brought nice news.

Now, as you know,

the online channel

has done better than expected,

so in preparation for

the full broadcast offering

later in the year,

I've decided to introduce

a weekly cultural show.

Good luck.

Tell me, David, do you feel

challenged in this job?

Every day

is a challenge, Claire.

Today, for example,

is karat price fixing.

Because I think we should

encourage your interest

in literature and the arts

before you become irredeemably

cynical and jaded.

I want you to host the new show.

But I've never done

anything like that before.

Good. A fresh voice.

And let's face it, David,

you're pretty fond

of the sound of your own voice.

Assuming I'm faintly interested,

how will it work technically?

Ah, just the person.

I take it you know how to operate

your camera in video mode?

Of course. In fact,

I've been doing...

Yes, I'm sure you have.

So, that's fixed.

We can't afford

a studio until we get

onto the broadcast networks,

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