ChickLit Page #2

so until then you can do

pieces here in the office

or wherever culture

rears its ugly head,

you and young

"Cartier-Bresson" there.

That's Darren.

How lovely to meet you, Darren.

David talks about you nonstop.

Now, I must be off.

It's the Norfolk food awards,

and we're sponsoring

the most imaginative pie.

By the way, what's your take

on the mummy porn phenomenon?

"She came in chains,"

and so forth?

I think it's appalling.

Good. So you'll do a piece

on it for the show, then.

Well, I'll try and find

some cultural significance.

So, in a world where

sex across the media

is all too easily available,

and the gradual playing out

of a love affair is replaced

by... ugh... instant

joyless fornication,

we might be well served

by looking back

to Jane Austen.

- Specifically, at "pride and

prejudice." -[Class moans]

Quite apart from the fact that

it is on this year's syllabus,

if you read it properly,

you may just find

that there are emotions

expressed in it

that might surprise you.

Mr. Darcy in his wet shirt.

My mum's worn the DVD out.

A scene not actually

portrayed by the author,

but certainly an appropriate

modern screen interpretation.

That Colin firth is really hot.

- He's a posh plonker.

- And you're not?

Moving on from these

sophisticated appraisals

of Mr. firth's

acting ability,

what I'm trying to convey,

is that despite the lake scene,

the makers of that adaptation

generally chose to reflect

Jane Austen's ability

to infuse her narratives

with a subtle eroticism,

which is all the more

effective by not being overt.

Sir, there's an erotic version

of "pride and prejudice"

on the Internet.

Have you read it?

I'd rather Pierce

my tired old eyes.

Colin firth's in the

"Bridget Jones" films.

I'm sure he is.

Can we return to the subject?

Would it be fair to say

that Helen Fielding's

no different

from Jane Austin, sir?

Monstrously unfair,

I should think.

Your point being?

Page one.

"It is a truth universally

acknowledged that a single man

in possession of a good fortune,

must be in want

of a wife."

Elizabeth Bennet

wants to be married,

despite how she behaves

to Mr. Darcy,

so does Bridget Jones

to Mr. Darcy.

- Nothing's changed really.

- Well, that's a good point,

except that miss fielding cannot

be compared to Jane Austen.

Well, actually, sir,

the first book was meant

as an homage to Austen.

Fielding's funny,

and so is Austen,

and there's nothing really

erotic in either book.

Not when she's wearing

those scary knickers.

[Chattering]

Now that's enough.

I believe miss fielding

is the purveyor

of what is termed

"CHICKLIT."

Jane Austen wrote great lit,

as we will now

set about discovering.

Sir, it's "mummy porn" now.

Mummy what?

Mummy porn, sir.

Bondage, s&m, you know.

I most certainly don't know,

nor do I wish to.

Sir, you always tell us

there's no room for ignorance

in literary analysis,

surely you should read

some of this stuff

before dismissing it.

If someone held

a gun to my head,

I would refuse.

And if I discover

any of you young ladies

sampling this

revolting expression

of 21st-century

decadence,

I should have

to retire immediately.

Now, "pride and prejudice."

Do you have

"she came in chains"?

I can't seem to find it

on the shelves.

I don't know.

Well, could you check, please?

Well, I could, but, Diana,

it's really not a good book.

I don't want a good book.

I have hundreds of good books.

I want to read,

"she came in chains."

And if you're not interested

in selling it to me

I'll buy it on Amazon,

which is probably

what I should have done

in the first place.

Diana, please,

we do not use the "a" word

in our little emporium.

Anything I can help you with?

Marcus, here, seems to

think it's his duty

to be my personal

literary guardian.

- Oh.

- I came in to buy a book,

which, as a loyal supporter

of the only independent

book shop for miles around,

I do, frequently.

But I don't have to.

- Sorry, Diana, I didn't think...

- No, you didn't.

The fact is I want

a little light relief,

if you'll pardon the expression.

And I didn't think

I'd have to pass

some sort of eligibility test.

Oh, of course not.

I'll get you a copy.

We just had a delivery.

It's selling awfully

well, you know .

I'm sorry, I didn't mean

to insult you, it's just that

having read your portrait,

I don't understand why

you'd want something

that is so badly written,

quite apart from its content.

I'm a big girl, and I'm sure

I can cope with its content.

As for the merits,

or otherwise of the writing,

who cares?

My last collection...

"Bumfights and beatitudes."

Well remembered.

Sold 104 copies.

I have 104 friends

and relatives.

What's wrong

with a woman making money

from writing novels like these?

They're not doing

any harm, are they?

I suppose not, but, I mean

anybody could write this stuff.

- I bet you couldn't.

- Well, I wouldn't.

But if somebody said, "here's

a million-pound advance,"

would you take a shot?

No.

Well, well, I mean, maybe.

Yes, but that's not the point.

Here you are. Have you got

your loyalty card, Diana?

Pop that in a bag for me,

would you, Marcus?

- Thank you.

- Oh, congratulations.

It appears you have a free book.

Ah, thank you.

We hope you enjoy it.

Please, come back to us soon.

I'll consider it.

Next time you decide to insult one

of our most valued customers,

you might remind yourself

that we are the width

of a paperback novella

away from bankruptcy.

Or are you too

idealistic to care?

David, unlike you

to do the lunchtime session.

I'll just have a half.

I'm drowning

my sorrows, actually.

I have to do something

on this CHICKLI mummy porn thing for a Webcast.

Hmm, look at this!

"Paradise postponed,"

"the whipping boy,"

manacles and manicures.

you see why I need a drink.

You do have some beer?

We do today.

Chris, what's with

all the rationing?

Ah, sh*t.

Can you keep a secret?

- No headlines in your paper?

- Of course

I've been told not to reorder until

the last barrel's been tapped.

It's a cash flow thing.

You can't run a pub like that.

I know, but the fact is,

dad's broke.

Every penny counts.

It's worse than that, actually.

The owners are planning

to sell this place.

Turn it into holiday apartments.

To be fair, they don't want to,

but they're broke, too.

How much do they want,

if you don't mind me asking?

That's the crazy thing. They're prepared

to let dad buy it for 300 grand

to keep it as a pub, but he's got three

other pubs with the same problem.

And he put so much money

into refurbishing this place.

Doesn't seem fair.

I'm really sorry, Chris.

See you next week for dominoes.

If we're still here.

Here's your files.

Oh, thank you, Beth.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

- Hello, David.

- Good morning, Lisa.

Before I humiliate

you lesser mortals,

I have a question for you.

Mummy porn, is it something

nasty they do in pyramids?

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