ChickLit Page #3

Something nasty

that they publish

for women of a certain age.

Well, any age, actually.

"Fifty shades of"...

What's it called?

Oh, ah.

My missus read that.

I'm still waitin'.

Why do you want to know?

My GCSE class insists

on discussing it

when they should be

studying Jane Austen.

Well, it's certainly

not Jane Austen.

My mum reads mummy porn.

Says it liberates her.

- In what way?

- She says it's educational.

Is it titillating?

- Shocking?

- All that and more.

- Imagine Barbara Cartland with whips and chains.

- Oh, god.

Imagine minimum literary merit

- and maximum sexual deviation.

- Good god.

Think of women eager to submit

to the most rigorous

sexual domination.

And please don't say,

"good god" again.

- But how do you know about all this?

- My wife.

I thought she was a lawyer.

Ah, she's going to put some

of these pornographers away.

Good on her.

She's developed a strange obsession

with reading these books.

The new release

of "life in the boudoir"?

Chaucer'd be a fine thing.

I had to read some myself

for a piece I'm doing.

And it got me thinking

about the future of the pub.

I'm sorry, but that

is a non-sequitur.

Actually, it's not.

Chris, I have no intention

of sharing your troubles

beyond this table, but, can 1

share them with your friends?

Well, it's a bit late to say no.

Here's the thing, the owners

are going to close this place.

What?!

That's appalling.

Chris's dad needs

300,000 to buy it

and keep it as a pub.

Look around.

Where are those lot gonna go?

It's a unique cross-section

of society.

And reading these books

gave me an idea.

I'll be damned.

You're ahead of me.

Somebody in the shop

the other day suggested

I try writing something

like this to make some money.

Exactly.

So why don't we?

Do what?

Become "CHICKLITTERS,"

or better still,

"mummy porners."

Have you gone completely mad?

- Possibly.

- Definitely.

Quite apart from the moral issue

of spawning yet more

of this filth,

there's a small matter

of our reputations.

We can't have

the region's finest

independent bookshop

being run by a pornographer.

No, we'll have to write

under a Nom De plume.

Christ, yes.

Can you imagine

what Jen would say?

And I'm about to do a Webcast

slagging it all off.

[Stammering] But... but

none of us are novelists.

I think that might be

an advantage.

Do you know how much

Lydia Lovemore

earned from her last book?

Oh, I know this one.

Four million quid

and that doesn't include

the film rights.

Good god.

It still doesn't

alter the facts.

The nearest I get to writing

is the drama review

in the school mag

and I'm an English teacher.

Well, it can't be

that hard, can it?

All we need is a computer

and just...

Or a pen and paper.

[Stammering] Why am I even

considering this lunatic notion?

Because you want to drink

your pints in a proper pub.

Look, we all have concerns,

but let's at least give it a go.

I brought some sample

material for you to read,

courtesy of Jen.

Note how I'm protecting

your finer feelings, Justin.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

Ever mindful

of your advanced age,

I've avoided too much

bump and grind.

This one is almost poetic

in the broadest sense.

Yours, however, as befits

a young and sturdy lad,

is filth from cover to cover.

Multiple orgasms

every three pages.

The heroine redefines

the word "nymphomaniac"

and her tumescent paramour

has the constitution

of a hereford bull.

- You'll love it.

- Thanks.

Marcus has the prmlege

of owning a shop

packed with these literary gems,

and I myself have gorged

over the last few days

and feel confident

in my grasp of the subject.

So, what exactly

are you suggesting we do?

Count the climaxes

and draw a graph?

I suggest that we all write a

couple of pages of purple prose,

bring it next week

and see if we can join it up.

Then we can decide

how to proceed.

Two pages, that's your lot.

Now, can we play, please?

Good thing I'm not

superstitious.

Enjoy your Saturday job?

I'm just making some notes...

For this culture show thing.

I thought you'd

taken them swimming.

Uh, mission aborted.

Turd in the pool.

- Not Charlie?

- God, I hope not.

It wasn't you, was it, darling?

- Of course it wasn't.

- It was a girl.

When she took her costume off...

All right, that's enough,

go play outside

until I call you for lunch.

So, what cultural pearls

are you going to feed

to the online swine, then?

Oh, no, it's very early stages.

- Much too embarrassing.

- Oh, fair enough.

Talking of embarrassing,

I seem to have mislaid

a few of those books

you so despise,

and I have a horrid feeling that

Sarah might have pinched them.

Ah, no, no, actually,

I borrowed them.

What? You old hypocrite.

Well, I need to be

better informed.

Claire wants me to do

a piece for the new show.

[Chuckling] I'm thinking

of inviting a CHICKLITTER

to come on and put

their point of view.

Oh, that's a good idea.

You ought to ask me.

No way. You're far

too articulate.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Oh, there's some good news.

Zoe's got a job.

Excellent.

Cleaning?

Dog walking?

You cynical sod.

No, acting. Chekhov.

Chekhov?

Safe from Shakespeare,

I suppose.

Lady MacBeth as a hell's angel

still gives me nightmares.

- It was thought-provoking.

- It was vomit-provoking.

What she did to Duncan's corpse

with that motorbike chain...

Ooh-hh!

You coming?

Thought I might start

finishing the stock tagging.

- It shouldn't take long.

- Well, you don't have to.

Tomorrow's fine.

Well, I just...

Just want to pull my weight.

But you do. Well, most of the

time, except that you order

prospective customers

not to buy books.

Geoffrey, that's...

That's a fair comment.

Well, I'll...

I'll do a cold supper.

Silly old thing.

Don't work too late.

Oh, travel book, eh?

I ain't never been

to "Northangers Abbey."

- Nice place, is it?

- Yes, it's very nice.

Wonderful thing, the national

trust, isn't it? Wonderful.

I'm sorry, my love,

but I can't cope

with you gazing at me

so trustingly.

I'm reading about things that you and T.

Wouldn'T have imagined.

Quite frankly, wouldn't

have enhanced our life.

But it is for a good cause.

Maybe not as important

as the big needs,

but important for our community.

Or am I justifying something that

I really shouldn't be doing?

I'm standing

at the bus stop

waiting for the sun

to separate my soul

from my body

and blow away

ah, ba, ba, ba, yeah

I close my eyes,

clear my vision to see

oh, what a high place

wingfit shoes

and a smile on my face...

Well, I think that's

all pretty damn good.

Chris, you're right on the

money with the virgin status.

- Delayed gratification, always exciting.

- Thank you.

I'm rather proud of

the silk cat o' nine tails.

Marcus, the stuff about the pommel

horse in the gym is genius,

which takes us

to Justin's offering.

Young, friendly headmaster

as the dominator.

Let's make his submissive

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