Chillerama Page #3

You furry fugitive, you.

You'd better get

your little butt

over here before--

[gasping]

[growling]

[wet meat sound]

[squirting sound]

[accordion music]

[Ioud thump]

[metaIIic cIanking]

[ominous chord]

[cIanking continues]

[shouting]

You almost gave me

a heart attack.

Me too!

What'd you get?

[chuckling]

[humming]

[chuckling]

A Milk Dud.

[laughing viciously]

So, what did you find?

Half a rotisserie

chicken.

[laughing]

You're gonna split that

with me, right?

Yeah. Maybe.

For a hand job.

[suspenseful music]

Don't be such

a prude, Babs.

lt's not like

you ain't done it

Sp-- Sperm!

Exactly!

[growling]

[suspenseful music,

intensifying]

[growling]

[crunch and splatter]

Bob!

[woman shouting]

[running footsteps]

[growling]

[shouting]

[cIanking and shouting]

[shouting, echoing]

l want to thank

you for being

so understanding.

You know, a lot

of girls would've

run for the hills

if the sperm of their

blind date shot up their

skirt like that.

So, thanks again.

l swear to God, l will

pay for any damages.

Oh, please,

things can be replaced.

Testicles can't.

Now that's for sure.

l'm just glad

you're-- Uh.

Louise? What's

the matter?

[panting]

Oh, my God.

Miles. That's

your sperm.

(TV presenter)

This just in.

The tadpoIe-Iike creature

is running rampant

as it heads downtown.

Five are dead aIready

and unconfirmed reports

claim the slimy beast

is now the sizze

of a house

and growing!

Military leaders

are described as "testy"

when asked how to defend

against this gargantuan goo.

The military

is doing its best

to determine

what it would take

to rub one out of this sizze.

What are we

gonna do?

We gotta get

the authorities.

Come on!

Citizzens are asked

to use whatever

protection they can

and avoid the creature's

immediate vicinity

which authorities

are calling,

"the wet spot".

[ominous music]

[growIing and eerie chords]

[thunder]

We're reporting live

from downtown Manhattan

at the epicenter

of the crisis zzone

with a sperm creature

which has now risen

to five stories high

and apparently still growing

has been wreaking havoc

on New York.

The Mayor is insisting

that all New Yorkers

remain in their homes

until further--

Oh, my God.

lt's coming.

[shouting]

[growling]

[splatter]

[growling]

(TV presenter)

The stupendous spermatozzoa

is ravaging through

CentraI Park.

Oh, the humanity!

[gunshots]

[crash and crunch]

[explosion]

The spermicide is having

absolutely no effect.

What does this

sperm want, doc?

What every sperm

wants, General.

To fertilizze an ovum!

There's not an ovum

on God's green earth

big enough

for that thing.

(Miles)

Wait! I just

figured it out.

The Statue

of Liberty.

lt's the only

conceivable female

large enough.

[ominous music]

[sweet eerie music]

[growling softly]

[ominous music]

[choppers]

Steady. Steady.

[growling]

[ripping]

Ah! Dammit.

Oh, my God!

Don't panic,

there's gotta

be another one here.

(General)

No time. Look!

[growling]

[ominous music]

[growling]

[squealing]

[growling]

Attention!

This is General Bukkake.

lnitiate Operation

Moneyshot. Three.

Two!

One!

[whistling]

[explosion]

[joyous cIassicaI music]

(Miles)

Ah.

[Ugh.

[chuckling]

Some first date, huh?

[chuckling]

You can say that again.

Well, at least

it's good for the skin.

Yeah.

[triumphant music]

What?

What's the matter?

Nothing.

[triumphant music continues]

Miles!

[music stops]

All right.

F*** it.

[triumphant music]

Hm.

[ominous music]

[grunting]

[spooky music]

Oh, yeah.

Classic cinema.

Wow.

lf you liked

Remains of the Day

then you'll cream

over Wadzilla.

You know?

Not enough tits.

Wow. Ryan.

Be your brother much?

Mayna, don't insult me.

(Tobe)

Okay, substance run.

I am so thirsty.

Oh, no. Sit tight.

Sit tight. l'll go.

l got this.

l got this one.

What?

[background radio]

Nothing.

l just wanna make sure

my friends are well fueled.

(both)

Hm. Sure.

What do you want?

Get me some red vines.

No popcorn.

No corn?

Nope. No popcorn

for me, but,

a Coke would be

delightful, Romeo.

AII right.

Red Vines. Check.

Coke. Check.

F*** off. Check.

Back before flick two.

You kids, be good now.

Oh. Uh. MilkDuds.

GremIins.

Yeah!

So--

[sighing]

[clears throat]

Uh--

Robert England

to Kane Hodder. Go.

God, l love you.

What?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

Uh, well, that's easy--

(announcer)

Stop the show.

[bIowing whistIe]

Here's news

you want to know.

We just got a shipment of--

(Miller)

Dude!

Hey, you get

me snackage?

Thank you.

Oh, l am?

Come on, cum bubble.

l'm busy.

Hi, Ryan.

Hi, Laura.

You gonna go

talk to Desi?

Why does everyone

know about this?

Popcorn. Extra

butter. AndaIe.

How about some

money, prick?

Put it

on my tab, douche.

[rolling up window]

A**hole.

l think your

brother's cute.

l think my brother's

a fagot.

[cheerful music]

Enjoy the show.

Hi, Des.

Hey, Daddy-O.

What's your tale

nightingale?

Nothing much.

Pretty crazzy outside, huh?

lt's never been

this jammin'.

lt's totally Antsville.

Man.

[chuckling nervously]

Hey, you look

so boss.

You like it?

l thought

it'd be appropriate,

last night and all.

Sure.

What can l do

for ya?

Uh, l need

a Twizzzzlers,

a Coke and a popcorn,

with extra extra

arsenic, please.

That last order

is for big brother?

How could you tell?

Lucky guess. Let me

get that for ya.

Sure.

Snickers! Hey,

l'm sorry.

We're all out of butter

but l can go get some

real quick.

Nah, it's not a problem,

l don't

wanna hold the line.

(Desi)

Nah, nah, it's okay.

l'll be back in a jiff.

Just hold on, okay?

[moaning and coughing]

[grunting]

[groaning in pain]

[suspenseful music]

[sighing]

[door opening]

Golly.

[suspenseful music]

Beach, blanket,

bingo!

Hm. lt's open.

[indistinct]

[door cIosing]

[gurgling]

So how's the car?

l saw you on King

last week, pretty cherry.

You liked it?

l got it right outside

if you wanna take a look.

Nifty. Really?

You know. Maybe before

l hit back upstate,

l'd like to take you

for a drive.

Gee whizz. Um, yeah,

but only if you come.

[chuckling]

Hey, now.

[Mr. K. over radio]

Well, kiddies.

Ready for another rush

rock and shock and roII?

[Iaughing viciousIy]

Sh*t. To be continued.

Absolutely, big tickler.

Come back after this one?

That's a promise, Suzzy Q.

Ryan?

Yeah.

That's ten dollars.

Ah! Right. Right.

Come back, okay?

Swearzzies. Hope to die.

Later gator.

After a while, crocodile.

Nice.

(Mr. K.)

This next class

of cinematic sin

stems from the outer reaches

of Planet Taboo.

So buckle up

your seat beIts--

(Ryan)

Hey!

HeIIo?

[thump]

Dude, f***-head,

my door!

There's your f***ing popcorn.

Thanks, Ryan!

Penis.

About to unleash

the fantastic furry fury

ofl Was a Teenage Werebear.

[barking and howIing]

[howling]

[maIe voice on radio]

Mark the Shark

rocking down the PCH

with NBH.

Yeah, baby,

Bobby Vinton.

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