CHiPs Page #2

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Clay! You're back already, dude?

That's great.

Yeah, let me tell you something.

It's gonna take two surgeries

just so I can lift my children again,

you f***ing a**hole.

Whoa! That's a weird way to thank me

for saving your life, buddy,

but you're welcome!

- Shooting me was an act of kindness?

- Absolutely!

You should allow me to return the favor.

But Hector's got your gun.

How are you gonna shoot me?

- Hey! You're a bad partner!

- Yeah? You're incompetent!

- You're a bad person.

- You're not even an agent.

- Bad agent!

- Clay, go home.

You're gonna want to alternate

between heat and ice.

- Twenty minutes each time.

- Shut up. Let's go.

- Get over here.

- F***er.

CHP Internal has asked for our help

on that armored car job.

They think some of their own

were involved.

What, the one where the pilot jumped?

Yeah, or maybe the copilot pushed him.

They don't know.

How many cops do they suspect?

PETERSON:
Five. We need to find them.

How much they get?

- 12.6 million.

- (WHISTLES)

Truck had just left Santa Anita with

the cash take from the Breeders' Cup.

You want me to go out there

and ask some questions?

No, I want you to go on the inside.

No sh*t?

Go undercover within the department?

That's awesome.

Can you ride a bike?

Why a bike?

The bad guys ride bikes. Can you?

Oh, I dominate anything with a motor.

Don't get cocky. I'm serious.

I'm not cocky either.

Give me a snow blower, step the f*** back.

A weed-whipper? I own that sh*t!

Listen, we need to talk about

you shooting Allen

and the photos of Hector's wife

on your phone.

There's gonna be a panel.

Allen's a p*ssy. We both know that.

He handed over his weapon to a detainee.

Why don't you review him?

You need to bury it.

Because he's leading the investigation

out in LA.

He's gonna be your point.

Don't send that clown, please.

You think everybody since Glade

was a clown.

No, but he is a real clown!

You're acting like a f***ing widow.

Get over it.

- Sorry.

- And how do you explain the pictures?

Well, I can't help it if someone

sends me unsolicited photos.

How am I gonna stop that?

So, you had nothing to do with it?

Aside from being handsome

and symmetrical, no.

So, you're not to blame for the cock shots

your phone sent to her phone?

Or did your phone take them

while you were asleep?

Because your dick looked wide awake.

At the time, it seemed like

the more innocent option.

It was less wrong

than actually plowing her.

Good! So you didn't have sex with her?

Eventually, I did.

That's why I said, "At the time".

That's the defendant's wife!

The defendant in your case!

I hear you loud and clear, sir.

I really hope you do.

Because I'd hate to lose a great agent

over some bullshit.

I think you're a sex addict.

I understand, sir.

So, who am I playing?

They got you playing, uh...

You're gonna be

Francis Llewellyn Poncherello.

That's a f***ed up name.

That's a lot of names.

Well, that's too bad

because we already built the bio.

What are we gonna do, go and change it?

Got it.

PETERSON:
Your name is

Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello

and you're transferring

from CHP in Redding.

Captain Lindel will be the only person

that knows you're FBI.

She put you with a rookie

named Jon Baker.

And he won't know sh*t about sh*t,

so you'll be able to drag him around

without him getting suspicious.

And stay away from that

hot ass out there in LA.

What's your job?

CASTI LLO:
Find the five dirty cops.

PETERSON:
That's right. Blend in.

Hey!

What's up? I'm Jon.

Jon Baker.

Francis, uh, Poncherello.

- Oh, you're Poncherello?

- Yeah.

- Awesome, man. We're partners.

- Oh, cool.

Let's kick this off with the real thing.

Oh, dude!

- Okay.

- Slow down a little bit.

- Sorry.

- That was a bit much.

If you're homophobic or whatever,

that's cool.

No, no, no. What?

I mean, it's not cool to be homophobic,

but I totally respect your right to be.

Wait, you think I'm homophobic

because I won't embrace a man

in his underpants that I just met?

Is that your definition?

But your reaction was really strong.

Borderline violent.

I bet if I were a hot woman in a bikini,

you'd probably be fine hugging me, yeah?

Your question is, "Would I prefer to

hug a hot woman in a bikini"

"over a male stranger in his underpants?"

And my answer to that will determine

whether or not I'm a homophobe,

like, according to you?

I think you've oversimplified it, but yes.

- I do.

- Okay.

Here's my answer.

I'm the senior officer here.

You're the rookie that doesn't know

his mouth from his a**hole,

let alone the definition of homophobia.

So, from here on out,

you're just gonna shut the f*** up

and wait patiently for me to ask

all the questions. Understood?

I got that.

- Understood?

- I understand.

- I'm sorry.

- Better.

You know, I think I'm a little nervous

'cause it's my first day

- and I have a lot riding on this.

- Don't worry about it.

I'm trying to salvage my marriage...

Did I ask you about

your failing marriage?

No.

Just shut up and suit up, okay?

Okay.

No way. Come on, Jon Baker. "The Baker"?

Hey, what's going on, dude?

Brian Grieves.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm an officer.

That's my partner, Francis Poncherello.

- What's up, bro?

- Dude, that is awesome!

You know, my cousin competed

against you in freestyle.

I cannot tell you how many times

I've seen you ride.

- Like, a billion.

- Ah!

That's so flattering.

Who was your cousin?

Oh, Reed Junior.

- Oh, God.

- Yeah.

He was amazing.

I wish he would've stuck with it.

Yeah, me too.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well, hey, look, man, welcome.

I cannot wait to work with you.

- Oh, man. Do you ride?

- F*** yeah!

Oh, we're gonna ride!

Awesome. You too, Poncharrow.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

BRIAN:
Buddy!

- This is gonna be badass!

- It means a lot to me.

Hell, yeah. All right, later.

All right, take care, man.

ARNAUD:
Do you have a favorite artist?

RAY:
I have a favorite size. Backpack.

We've just the piece for you.

Piet Mondrian's Composition No. 7, 1941.

20x26 inches.

And if you pay in cash, it's 14.

Million.

- For this?

- Mm-hmm.

Is it finished?

Indeed. You can roll this painting up

and put it in your carry-on.

No matter where you take it

in the world, it's worth 14.

There's no better way to get cash

across the border.

Perfect, I'll take it.

I don't have it, but I'll get you the 14.

Excellent.

CASTILLO:
Put that away.

You're going to get us

pegged as slap-d*cks. Come on.

JON:
What's that? No, I got to take notes.

(JON SHUSHING)

- Hi.

- Good morning.

Okay, everybody.

Uh, we have a couple of new team members

to welcome this morning.

Transferring from the Redding branch

is Officer Pantera.

It's Poncherello.

Francis Llewyl Poncherello.

JANE:
Hi, Francis.

You can call me Ponch. Ponch is fine.

Ponch. Much easier.

And correcting me is, uh, Jon Baker.

Uh, Jon has the distinction of being

the oldest rookie ever.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes