CHiPs Page #3

- MAN:
Ooh.

- By nine years.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I actually have a rookie question,

if you don't mind me interrupting.

Um, I was told that I have to land in the

top 10% of my department in citations...

It's a joke. He was just joking.

Great joke, Jon!

- Keep 'em comin'!

- (LAUGHTER)

JANE:
Okay, we're having a problem

with the fire extinguishers, people.

Do you each have one in your car?

Show of hands.

Who has a fire extinguisher in their car

at this very moment as we speak?

JON:
Gotta say this is pretty badass,

yeah?

Being all suited up for battle.

What, looking like UPS drivers?

Yeah, that's super cool.

F***in' go brown, right?

We don't look like UPS drivers. Do we?

Hold up a second.

ROTH:
It's Roth.

- You find out where she works?

- On Riverside.

AVA:
Hey.

Oh, hey! How are you?

- Good. How are you?

- Good.

Is that your Sport 1000 I'm seeing?

- Yeah. You know what that is?

- Ah...

Just a little bit.

I got a Paul Smart 1000 myself.

Oh, I love those. Those are beautiful.

So beautiful. I've been looking

for one of yours for a while, though.

- Car wash in the Valley?

- Yeah. Happy Hands.

Okay. Send me the address.

If you're interested, you should ride up

Angeles Crest with us to Newcomb's Ranch.

Beautiful ride, ton of Ducatis.

Um...

God, I'm so flattered

'cause you're crazy attractive,

but I'm trying to repair

my marriage right now.

Oh, my God. Really?

What?

First of all, you're old as f***.

Second of all, no one wants to hear

about your marriage troubles.

Okay?

So, maybe you just want to

get over yourself a little bit?

(STAMMERING)

- Good work.

- I wasn't... (GROANS)

Good work. No, you're just

blending right in. It's perfect.

I just hope he's not a crazy stalker

or something.

He knew I had cats.

Crazy.

It's probably a lucky guess or something.

Hmm...

Did you hear any names?

LT. What's going on?

Yeah, someone called him "LT."

How about the pilot?

Did he seem to fall, or was he pushed out?

No, I just saw him land.

Don't go back there. No, no, it's fine.

You know what?

Nobody's going to get away with this.

I promise, okay?

Is your friend ticketing me?

- One down.

- CASTILLO:
Hey!

Jon. What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

- What is this sh*t?

No, no, no. Hey.

This car doesn't have plates.

No, because it's brand new.

Can you not see it's brand new?

Listen, I've got to write some tickets,

or I'm going to blow my probation

and I'm going to get canned.

But you got to use your brain.

They just bought this car.

We're up! No seatbelt. Red Ford!

We're not up! You're getting ticket-happy!

It's just a seatbelt.

- No!

- Mount up.

No! Stay right here!

Jesus Christ.

(WHISTLES)

Ponch.

Is your partner okay?

He just got assigned to me, you know?

- Right.

- You transfer from Redding?

Yeah! Ponch.

- Ray.

- Nice to meet you.

You must know Bob Lynn?

Of course. Asian Bob.

Everybody knows Bob.

- "Asian Bob"?

- Yeah.

Thought he was

English or Scottish or something.

Oh, you're talking about Bob Lynn,

L-Y-N-N.

I thought you were talking about

Bob Lin, L-I-N,

who's Asian as hell.

I think he's a hundred percent.

But to answer your question, yes.

I do know white Bob.

We haven't met. I'm Gay Terry.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm sorry, Irish Gay Terry.

That makes sense, that makes sense.

JON:
Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Don't do that! Hey!

- (LAUGHTER)

Okay, this is a prank.

Yeah, I wish it was a prank.

- TERRY:
Buh-bye, Francis!

- You have to be playin'.

Backing up, you don't even look?

Everything's gone to sh*t,

that's how it's gone.

Hey, I need the address

of the pilot that jumped.

And I also need a profile made

for a Bob Lin.

L-I-N for the last name,

and he's got to be super Asian.

- ROTH:
Got it. Bob Lin, super Asian.

- Okay.

- F***.

- (JON GRUNTING)

You got it, bro?

Huh?

All right.

We're the Highway Patrol.

Shouldn't we be patrolling a highway?

I'm paying my respects

to the widow of a fallen officer.

It's going to take me all of two minutes.

Okay. Listen, I have one shot

at saving my marriage, okay?

This job is crucial to that.

I couldn't care less about your wife,

but stay with the bikes, okay?

And don't ticket anybody.

Okay, and f*** that. Not a chance.

- Excuse me?

- I'm not letting my partner fly solo

- into an unknown environment.

- (KEYPAD BEEPING)

You're not going let me or not

let me do a damn thing. You're a rookie!

Okay, I respect your rank,

but I am not letting you

enter a domicile while on duty

without me at your six o'clock.

It's a nonstarter, Ponch.

- It's unsafe.

- Christ. Fine!

Just keep your mouth shut.

Okay.

Listen, I do need to warn you, though.

I sometimes get nauseous

in people's homes

because of the mix of smells,

the pheromones of food and pets.

You're f***in' weird, bro.

I don't remember Terrell ever mentioning

a Pueblerro. Is that Native American?

It's Poncherello.

I don't remember that either.

Yeah, I just wanted to stop by

and give my condolences.

Please don't touch anything in the salon.

CASTILLO:
I was just so shocked.

I mean, I've known TJ for years

and I can't imagine him

jumping out of a helicopter.

Plus, I've always wondered,

was TJ dealing

with some kind of depression?

Certainly nothing I knew of.

We were very happy.

Right. Did he owe anybody any money?

(CAT PURRING)

JOY:
Absolutely not.

He left behind a savings account.

No debts.

(GROANING)

I'm gonna go get some fresh air.

(JON COUGHING)

Sorry about him.

Uh, was he happy working with Parish?

Did they get along?

You know, I have an appointment

I need to get ready for.

Right. Yeah, me too.

I got to go visit LT.

Who's LT?

Just a mutual friend.

I'm sorry.

(METAL CLATTERING)

- Get outta there. Get outta there, dude!

- JON:
Huh?

Get outta there. Jesus.

- I hope you got closure in there.

- Closure?

Yeah, because I almost lost it

when that cat went face-first

into the litter box. Ugh!

What kind of dude uses

the word "closure"?

- What, are you a therapist?

- No.

But I've been in couples' therapy

for a year.

And that's what it's called when you try

to resolve painful feelings.

- I could tell.

- Isn't that why we're here?

So you could process

the passing of your friend?

Which, by the way,

I am so sorry for your loss, man.

- Oh, my God, dude.

- So sorry. What?

It's just your word choice.

It's like you're three beers too intimate.

You know what... (GROANS) It's the pills.

- (CHUCKLES) Oh, okay.

- Yeah.

- Textbook deflection.

- Oh!

You couldn't be more clichd if you tried.

(BARITONE) "I'm a tough motorcycle cop.

I got no emotions."

- "I don't care who dies."

- F*** you!

Your buddy's been dead how long?

You still haven't dealt with it?

He's been dead a month, Freud.

- A month?

- Yeah.

- That's weird.

- What's weird?

It's weird that his wife

moved on in a month.

In your expertise, she's moved on.

How can you tell?

There's nothing of his in that house.

There's no commendations on the wall,

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