CHiPs Page #9

You're gonna make me fly to f***ing LA

to talk to you?

My phone was broken.

I was trying to activate it...

I told you to stay away from

that drug house.

You gotta stop shooting Allen!

I didn't do it on purpose!

It was an accident.

I was trying to shoot Ray Kurtz.

Well, you missed, and he's gone.

You f***ed up this whole case

and when I called your captain

to find out where you were,

she told me she hadn't heard from you

since you initiated a sexual exchange

with her at 1:
00 a.m.

That was my bad. That was on me.

- That was an accident.

- You f***ing pervert!

Just goddamn nasty!

I was trying to text

with this girl, Lindsey...

You're fired!

You're on the 11:00 a.m. back to Miami

and guess what, I'm keeping your gun.

Can we just go with a warning,

instead of a full-fledged fire?

If you had been doing your job

instead of looking at all this juicy,

LA booty they got out here,

things wouldn't be so bad.

Hands down,

the best app for meeting girls.

I just keep swiping until I meet one.

- No kidding?

- Yeah.

Now, when you get intimate

with these gals,

is oral expected?

Like, with the butt?

Oh, yeah. That's standard, boss.

- That's standard?

- (CHUCKLES) Yes, sir.

Wow, things have changed!

- Hey, it was great meeting you.

- Hey, you too.

You have a good one. Be safe out there.

Yeah, enjoy that app, right? Wow.

KAREN:
Hi, it's Karen from SwimTech.

Leave me a message.

JON:
Oh!

- Hey!

- Oh, Ponch!

Man, am I happy to see you!

I'm sorry about this.

I just got my phone working.

I got all your messages.

Dude, I'm so happy you're here.

- Good to see you, buddy.

- Thank you for coming.

I'm really sorry, man.

I would've been here when you woke up,

but I was buying a new phone.

No, man, it's good. I'm all good.

What do you mean, you're good?

You got hit by a truck.

Yeah,

but my titanium humerus

took most of the hit.

It was only a five.

Five out of what?

Out of ten.

- Then what's a 10?

- Scrotal tear, which I've had.

Nuts unravel down your leg.

It's gruesome.

- JON:
What?

- I know.

- You sexted with Captain Lindel?

- I did.

Ponch-y, she's a senior!

That's pathological.

She's old. She's up there.

How was her body?

What did that look like?

I mean, it was tight. (MUMBLING)

- It was tight?

- She's confident, you know?

That's sexy. That's really sexy.

Whoa, whoa, what the f*** is this?

Put that, uh, right in the living room.

- Whoa, whoa.

- Thank you so much.

- Excuse me, hey.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

We're moving in. Are you my neighbor?

I'm Amy.

You're moving into my house, though.

So, no, I'm not your neighbor.

This is my house.

No, this was Karen and Rick's house,

and now it's my house

because I bought it.

What's wrong, not enough chili?

No, I'm just not very hungry.

Dude, I know you love Karen,

but can I just say one thing about her?

Yeah.

Dude, she's an a**hole.

Okay.

She's a dick.

Like, end of story.

I actually figured out

why you're so hell-bent on keeping her.

Yeah?

She's the only thing left

of your glory days. You know?

Like, the money's gone. Fans are gone.

Now, the house.

She's like that last bit of proof

that it even happened

and I think you're afraid

that if you lose her,

you've officially lost it all.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Wow.

For a guy

who won't say the word "closure,"

that was a pretty profound observation.

- Yeah.

- Goddamn you, Ponch-y.

I'm tired now.

I wish you would've told me this

five years ago.

Mmm, that is career-ending.

You know what sucks?

This is our only lead,

and there's no way to track this guy.

There's no dental records.

He's never been finger-printed.

Oh, my God! This is Reed Junior!

- Who?

- Reed Junior!

I used to compete against him.

- Reed Junior?

- That's Grieves' cousin!

Grieves?

The dude I touched d*cks with

in the locker room.

Remember? And he was talking

about his cousin.

What's his full name?

I don't know. He competed as Reed Junior.

Type in "Reed Junior."

Ray Kurtz, dude! That's Ray's son!

- Oh, my God!

- That's Ray's son!

No, we go! We leave.

We go? Okay.

Holy sh*t!

(POWERING UP)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(JON GRUNTS)

Slow down.

Captain Lindel.

Oh, my God.

What took you so long?

No!

- No, this is not what it's about.

- Oh.

I was gonna say the head in the helmet,

that's Ray's son

and Brian Grieves is his nephew,

who's in the hospital.

And we need to send people over

to get him in custody ASAP.

Also, I need a gun,

and I need to be sworn in as an officer

of the California Highway Patrol.

But you're an FBI agent?

I know, but I was fired. Your honesty

- was largely to blame for that.

- (GASPS)

I'm sorry.

I was feeling a little abandoned.

I get it. But can you swear me in?

I'll swear you in if you sexy scream.

No, just swear me in, please.

- Please?

- You know the oath?

(SOBBING)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

When we get to the hospital,

we do all the questioning, okay?

Yeah. Okay.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

(READING) "Come now,

just you and your partner."

What's that?

Look at this.

Are you sexting with Karen?

No, you idiot!

She's handcuffed to a pole.

She's being held hostage.

Oh, my God.

Okay. He dropped a pin.

That's where she's at.

That's across the street from

the Devil's Punchbowl.

We gotta take the bikes.

Wait! Let's just think about this.

Why are we gonna risk our life

to save your dirtbag ex-wife's?

She stole your house.

You kicked my weak knee,

said my wife was f***ing someone else,

and I still saved your life.

You save someone when you can, Ponch.

That's what a person does,

especially an officer of the law

who just took the oath.

You can't even ride.

Listen, I've done back flips

with worse injuries than this.

We're gonna need backup.

Clearly, he blames us for Reed.

We don't know who in this department

is in on this.

- I trust you, and you trust me.

- That's true.

We're like Jay-Z and Beyonc.

We're f***ing ride or die.

Sh*t.

Where's Officer Grieves?

He was discharged an hour ago.

Well, did someone pick him up?

A police officer, female, super pretty.

Plane leaves at Thursday at 3:00 p.m.

out of Global Air in Van Nuys.

There'll be a week's worth of provisions

in the cabin.

When should we expect you?

You should not.

All right, spoke with the nurse,

says that he left with a super pretty

CHP officer.

So, it has to be Lindsey.

- Yeah.

- (ALL AGREEING INDISTINCTLY)

She's radio silent right now,

but GPS has her car

12 miles east of Palmdale.

Let's do it, folks.

CASTILLO:
That is some cold sh*t, man,

riding the dead son's bike.

You kidnap my wife,

I ride your dead son's bike.

F*** him.

How the f*** is that thing gaining on us?

He's a f***ing warlock, man!

CASTILLO:
F***!

Whoa!

Hey, what are you doing?

I can't do it.

I can't leave my uncle by himself.

He told us to hide out in the cabin.

He was very clear.

You're free to do that, all right,

but you're dropping me off first.

JON:
There's the Devil's Punchbowl.

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