CHiPs Page #8

She ate your ass?

- Yeah.

- Did you eat hers?

- Of course!

- "Of course"?

What are you talking about?

- That's standard.

- You think that's standard?

- Absolutely.

- To eat someone's ass?

- You think that's standard?

- Yes.

That is not standard.

You know what it is?

You've been married for way too long.

Everyone's eating everyone's ass now.

(LAUGHING)

There is no way

everybody's eating everyone's ass.

- Everyone's eating everyone's ass.

- No, it's impossible!

- Everyone is not.

- They are.

What about hygiene?

Oh, easy.

If you go to the bathroom, and you see

some baby wipes, green light.

Okay, what if you don't see baby wipes?

I still do it.

F*** it, right?

I'm only here once, you know?

- Oh-oh, is that our guy?

- (BIKE APPROACHING)

JON:
Listen, I gotta tell you something.

I cannot shoot. I can't aim.

- Are you serious?

- CASTILLO:
Yes, I'm serious.

Okay, don't shoot.

I do all the shooting, okay?

Okay, I'll corral them to you.

Okay, here we go.

I'm gonna post up on the corner.

Just let me know as soon as he's rolling.

Copy that.

Oh, this is gonna smell bad.

(DEEP BREATHING)

(GROANING)

(RETCHING)

Oh, f***.

(GRUNTING)

JON:
Oh, whoa!

Oh! Oh, my God!

(COUGHING)

(RETCHES)

Get down. Get down!

- Jon, get 'em!

- (RETCHING)

Oh, sh*t!

Go, go, go!

Castillo's inside. Get down here.

CLAY:
Sh*t!

Oh, no!

I'm so sorry.

That was like being inside of a corpse.

This is 7-MARY-3 and 4. We're southbound

on Lincoln Boulevard and Rose.

In pursuit of red Ducati Hypermotard.

F*** that.

(ENGIN ES TH ROTTLING)

(WOMAN GASPS)

JON:
Out of the way!

Police! Get out of the way.

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

JON:
Ponch, what's your 20?

I'm somewhere in the parking structure.

F***, sh*t.

Over and out!

Sh*t.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Freeze!

(GUN CLICKING)

Damn it!

Hey, why is he chasing you?

It went sideways.

Hey, where'd they go?

LINDSEY:
West!

Towards the ocean!

(HORN HONKING)

(WOMEN CLAMORING)

MAN:
You can't ride motorcycles

on the beach!

What's on the other side of these dunes?

Well, the beach ends,

and then it's Ballona Creek.

JON:
What do you mean, it ends? (GRUNTS)

CASTILLO:
Holy sh*t!

BOTH:
Holy sh*t!

(SIRENS WAILING)

JON:
Ponch, we're exiting the LA river.

CASTILLO:
I'm on it.

CASTILLO:
Where are you, buddy?

JON:
East.

Riding east, over the 4th Street bridge!

Let's get those legs. Get the front.

Hey, the bridge is closed!

JON:
Set up a road block on both sides

and box them in.

Okay, drive down 6th Street! Right here.

- Get out of the way!

- (PAPARAZZI CLAMORING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

What was that?

It was paparazzi! It's fine!

Go, go, go!

F***ing a**holes!

BRIAN:
LT, it's getting f***ed.

Stay in character.

I'll make a hole!

Roger.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- What's going on?

- Training exercise.

Cop to cop, what is it?

(SCOFFS) Oh, my God. You are a cop.

Look at that.

That's so cute.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SQUELCHING)

Ooh!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t, he's f***ing dead.

Jon!

- Jon!

- (GASPS)

Jon!

(YELPS)

Sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BREATHILY) Oh, God. Jon!

Hey, Jon. Oh, f***.

Come on, buddy.

PARISH:
EAGLE-6 to 7-MARY-3,

which way did the black truck go?

No, no, forget that.

Land the bird!

Jon needs to be airlifted.

What's the call?

We're setting it down.

Come on, stay with us, buddy.

Stay with us, Jon.

Come on!

(WHISPERING) Oh...

WOMAN:
(ON PA) Dr. Louis, extension 3426.

Jesus, booked the whole damn floor.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Looking for Jon?

- Yeah.

Oh, he's just in there.

Oh, cool. How are you doing?

Oh, body's a little sore,

but I'm okay.

They just discharged me.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I was kind of scared

- when I saw your car frisbee like that.

- (CHUCKLES)

But, I'm glad you're all right.

Me, too. (SIGHS)

Jon's in...

Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, cool.

Text me when you get home?

I will.

- See you in a bit.

- Mmm-hmm.

Text me.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

WOMAN:
(OVER PA) Dr. Tanaka to OR-3.

KAREN:
Hi, it's Karen from SwimTech.

- Leave me a message.

- (RECORDER BEEPS)

Hey, Karen, this is, uh, Ponch,

Jon's partner.

I'm with Jon at the LA Memorial.

Uh, you should get here

as quick as possible.

He's in bad shape.

Mmm.

How are you feeling?

You sure?

How's your body?

Don't lie.

Yes.

Photographic evidence?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

F***, yeah.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(WHISPERING) Oh, sh*t.

Ooh, Nice toes.

Wait, slow down. Slower, slower.

(BELT UNBUCKLING)

Oh, f***.

Just a little bit.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know you had those.

Wow, those look huge.

Those look big tonight. Wait.

No. (GASPS)

They always look this huge,

- Officer Pantera.

- Oh! Oh!

- Oh! Oh!

- What was that sexy scream?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, no.

Someone prematurely ejaculated.

F***!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

F***!

- Can you manage?

- Got it.

Last one.

So, what's the plan now, babe?

The second Brian gets out

of the hospital,

you, Cooper, and Hansen,

you head up to Big Bear.

You wait for the Brunei flight.

You get the painting and get out of there.

And until then?

Business as usual. They only know me.

Ray, I'm really sorry about, um...

Do you want to talk about him?

No, I do not.

Maybe after

I take care of your little boyfriend.

So, he brings in a goat and a donkey...

CLAY:
I'm gonna kill you.

When I am healed,

I am gonna physically destroy you.

Get the f*** out of my room.

Call Peterson. He's looking for you.

My phone's broken. I can't.

You torpedo the entire case,

and you broke your phone.

I didn't torpedo it. We have

a suspect's head. That's a victory.

Three officers and two agents

are hospitalized,

all for a severed head nobody can ID.

That's a victory to you?

Listen, I'm sorry that I shot you again.

I'm sorry.

Get on the bed! Get on the bed!

You ever been

in a scissor hold, motherf***er?

Huh?

There he is.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Where's your breathing tube?

That was a really sexy look for you.

I also have a catheter in

and I didn't wanna be too sexy

for the staff.

Mmm-hmm, yeah. Tone it down a little bit.

Are you posted here?

I came to see you, dummy,

and just wanted to brag

about saving your life.

You saved my life?

I gave you CPR

and I breathed life back into you.

So, when I went out cold,

you ran in and tried to kiss me?

- (LAUGHS)

- And you said it was CPR?

Not quite! Um...

That's a little gross because

you kind of remind me of my dad.

Wait, your dad was a cop?

God, no.

He was just a f***-up, kind of like you.

Mmm. So flattering.

I was wondering, when you get discharged,

if you wanted to, um,

take a ride back home with me?

I'm available.

I already left my wife a message, and

I'm pretty sure she's gonna pick me up.

Is this the same wife

that hasn't been here once?

You haven't met her.

I'd appreciate it

if you didn't bag on her.

Yeah.

I'll see you around.

(EXCLAIMS) F***.

(GRUNTS)

Pull a f***ing gun on me?

- I didn't know it was you!

- You're not gonna answer your phone?

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