Choke Page #5

at the cosmetics counter.

Mr. Quentin Fairweather.

You remembered Quentin Fairweather.

Good boy.

You look skinny.

Come here.

She's young, this one.

And pretty too.

You like her?

Don't tell me you don't,

'cause I saw you holding her hand.

- She's just another foster mom.

- [ Beeps ]

[ Shutter Clicks ]

- Do you love her?

- [ Beeping ]

No.

- Do you hate her?

- [ Beeping ]

Um, yeah?

That's right.

And how much do you hate her?

- Lots and lots.

- [ Beeping ]

[ Sniffing ]

I think our work here is done.

But... this one's nice.

- What?

- She's nice.

You're mine. Say it.

Yours. I'm yours.

- For?

- Ever and ever.

That's right.

Don't you forget it.

[ Kisses ]

- The little boy is approximately 1 0 years old.

- Where could he have gone?

- [ Woman On Walkie-talkie ]

Where are you presently?

- [ Knocking ]

[ Spits ]

Jesus! God! What have you done?

Relax. I had to do this

to sneak it on to the bus.

People see a big guy like me with a rock,

they get a little nervous.

Think I could stay with you for a while?

- just till I find a place?

- No. Absolutely not.

- [ Wheezing Laugh ]

- No way. Hey, what are you-What are you-

Hey, hey!

Sh*t, man.

So you gonna let me in

on this rock thing?

I collect one for every day of sobriety.

- Keeps the hands busy, if you know what I mean.

- That's good.

I was afraid

it might be something stupid.

- So how'd you make out with Cherry Daiquiri?

- Oh! Her name is Beth.

Oh, right. Did you f*** Beth?

[ Chuckles ]

Where's the diary? Can I see the diary?

- It's in Italian. Paige is translating it for me.

- Who's Paige?

- Dr. Marshall.

- Oh, so she's "Paige'"now. Hmm.

And she speaks Italian too.

What is she, perfect?

You know something?

I think maybe she is.

Hey! Where are you going?

I'm gonna find out who my father is.

See you later.

That's him. He came to my potluck,

didn't bring a dish.

- He beat my sister almost to death.

- That's me.

I think that's sweet-

you giving them closure like that.

So did you read it?

Yes.

And I'm afraid what I have to tell you

may be disappointing.

It seems she was delusional

much earlier than you thought.

What about my father?

According to this, she got pregnant with you

when she was in her late 30s.

She'd been living here for some time,

but went back for fertility treatments...

at an experimental clinic in the Alps.

So, what? He's some Italian doctor?

No. And this is where it

kind of goes off the deep end.

According to your mother's journal...

this was about a year

after a collection...

of religious relics

had gone missing in Rome.

Six childless women were offered

genetic tissue from one of these relics.

Five were a no-go

and the sixth became, apparently, you.

What kind of relic?

The relic, according to the journal,

was a sacred foreskin.

Mummified, I would imagine.

A foreskin? Whose foreskin?

- The holy foreskin.

- Come on!

It's all in here.

So that would make me the son of-

Jesus, more or less.

But really more like a half clone.

It's kind of sweet really.

In her mind, you're literally

the Second Coming.

- [ Woman ] Dr. Marshall?

- Excuse me.

- [ Sighs ]

- [ Nurse ] Beatrice? Where you going?

I know you.

Yeah. Of course you do. What, did I give you

a wedgie or steal your cupcake or something?

No. My son saved you.

You were choking in a restaurant,

and he saved you.

Secretly, I think Paul always

thought of himself as a coward...

until that night.

His wife was on the verge

of divorcing him.

But when she saw what he did,

she fell back in love.

It was a miracle.

You have an enormous capacity

for love in you.

I have a capacity for sh*t.

It was a scam, lady.

I'm an evil, scheming douche bag.

I know what I saw.

- Uh- Come here! Let's go. Come on.

- Where are we going?

Hey, let me ask you something.

You don't think I'm

a good-hearted person, do you?

[ Chuckling ]

No way, dude. You're an a**hole.

Thanks, man. Thanks.

Hey, what about this one?

Eh-eh.

This is how they drink beer in Europe.

- From a slug trap?

- No, dude. Warm.

[ Slurping ]

- [ Exhales ] So what happened?

- Oh, yeah.

So, you know,

I'm dragging her off to the chapel.

My unit's enraged.

I'm thinking, ""Here we go. Finally!''

I'm so hot, I'm flashing dead kittens and

Mother Teresa just to keep from triggering.

- [ Both Grunting ]

- Hey.

Hey.

Over here.

- I want you to hear me.

- [ Heart Beating ]

I want you moving

in perfect sync with my heart.

There.

Isn't that better?

[ Heart Beating Continues ]

- [ Beating Stops ]

- F***.

If you don't want to do this,

you could just say so.

I want to do this.

Believe me,

I'm dyin'- I'm dyin' to do this.

Well, then help me out here.

Because apparently, you're capable of

having sex with everyone on the staff but me.

Hey, look, I'm trying to ignore

the pressure and the old ladies...

and the fact that I'm trying to f*** you

in a church to save my mom's brain.

But so far it's not workin'.

- Why?

- Because, um, I think I- I think maybe-

I can't f*** you 'cause

I want to like you... instead.

Has it occurred to you

that perhaps the two...

aren't mutually exclusive?

You said that?

- Yeah.

- Wow.!

Maybe you're not so bad after all.

No, dude. I am. I really am.

I mean, the cloning thing?

That could totally be real.

I saw this thing on Discovery.

They've been tryin'it since the '60s.

- Do like this.

- Dude, stop doing that.

Stop looking at me like that.

- You're creepin' me ou-

- [ Creaking ]

Hi.

Nice azaleas.

Hey! Where you goin'?

[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]

What are you-

What are you lookin' at?

Belonged to my Uncle Don.

That is, until he got hammered last month

and drove his car through a tree.

Those Mothers Against Drunk Driving

probably had a party or somethin'.

Who owns it now?

Apparently, I do.

[ Young Victor ]

Now?

Not yet.

Okay. You can open 'em.

- The zoo? We're goin' to the zoo?

- That's right, kiddo.

- Give me your foot.

- [ Animal Shrieking ]

What do you see?

Animals.

Prisoners, held captive

like us in a world...

without risk, or struggle, or danger.

The only difference

is that they can see the bars...

that deny them all hope of escape.

Until now.

[ Running Footsteps ]

- [ Animal Growling ]

- Mom?

- [ Metal Clanging ]

- [ Bird Squawking ]

Mom!

[ Roaring ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Buzzing ]

You go to bed, for Christ's sakes.

You're old. Get out.

- Go to bed.

- So thoughtful.

Mom? Mom.

You scared me.

I didn't know where you were.

F***!

It wasn't my decision.

I want her moved back downstairs...

right now!

Keep your voice down.

You're not even supposed to be here now.

- Okay. Fine. I'll do this myself.

- Victor.

Victor, please!

She's better off up here.

You said you were gonna do something.

I couldn't do it by myself.

Okay. Fine. Come here.

Let's go. Come on.

What about here? Is this okay?

- Come on.

- Oh, Victor!

It's too late. My time's passed.

All right. Okay.

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