Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #2

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Yeah! We should

carve our names in the pier

and after high school,

if we're still hanging out

at this park, we'll all slit

our wrist with that knife.

The fool again?

Did I shuffle these?

Ah, you were expected.

You knew I was gonna come?

I am Zonar, I know all.

Wow. What am I thinking right now?

I sense you are haunted

by the dark underlords of the sea.

Ha! Not even close.

I was thinking about

sucking my own dick

in front my family on Easter.

That is not the first time

I have been told that by a man.

Ah, where was I?

'Tis the sad fate of the cynic

to miss the offerings of the spirits.

The power is within you, child,

should you choose

to look for a sign.

Ugh, look for a sign, really?

It's that simple?

What?

The book of Bee-el-ze-bub.

Is the Devil crying?

Wow!

What is it?

Oh, I was just wondering where

you got this book.

A spirit bequeathed it

as an offering

from the dark lord.

A dark lord queefed it on you?

What does that mean?

Can I borrow it?

No, this isn't a library.

I know, it's a

lez-brary,

filled with creepy old ladies.

Don't worry,

look into the future.

You'll see me

returning this book.

Remy?

Remy?

Whoa.

Hey, buddy.

What's up?

You don't look so good, man.

Guys, check it out.

- What's that?

- That is the Book of Beelzebub,

the key to saving the park.

- Wait, what?

- Dude, I don't get it.

Look, people travel

across the world

to see the face of Jesus

on a tortilla, right?

Huh?

Well, the same people

will come to the park

in droves to see

Jesus' enemy cry

like a p*ssy.

Still ain't gonna save the park.

Come on, Curt, doesn't this park

mean anything to you anymore?

Honestly, not really.

Curt, you lost your virginity

right there on this ride.

Augie tried to lose

his virginity there

with the strong man.

That's why you should care

about this place, man.

Whatever. Hey, bro,

can I get a mint?

No.

Come on.

I'm always lending you stuff

and you never pay me back.

Don't bust my balls,

just give me a mint.

All right, look, if you promise

to hit me back, I'll give you

one of my La Petit mints.

Okay, I promise

to give you one back.

So, you currently have

mints in your possession?

I have a pack of mints

in my pocket right now.

I just happen to like

Remy's flavor better.

All right, well, just swear

on the Book of Beelzebub.

Fine, I swear.

- Gimme your hand.

- Why?

- Blood oath.

- Ow! Geez!

Who does that anymore?

Uh, "By the smitten brow

of Beelzebub",

"this oath doth bind me.

May I keep its sacred word,"

"or Beelzebub

will find me."

Yes! It's official.

Ugh. F***, finally.

Mmmm.

Now, that's a refreshing mint.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

Now, give me one of yours.

Ah, yes, of course.

Hmm, wait a minute,

that's weird.

Oh, man,

I thought I had my mints,

but I guess I don't.

Sorry, I guess

I can't honor my oath.

Oh! Typical Curt,

promise and don't deliver.

Typical Remy,

always keeping score.

Uh, guys...

- You made an oath!

- Who cares?

- You swore on Devil sh*t.

- F*** Devil sh*t!

Look out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on?

Everything's going in!

- Hey!

- Curt!

Help me!

Hold on!

What the hell's going on?!

What the f***?!

This one of your

bullshit tricks, Remy!

If this is a prank,

I'm gonna f***ing kill you!

Piece of sh*t!

- What just happened?!

- I don't know! -Jesus Christ!

I have no idea what I just saw.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

What did I do?

I didn't conjure up a vortex!

Curt just got sucked into

anoter dimension, Remy.

Oh, really, Augie?

I thought that portal

went to Barnes and Noble.

We gotta go in after him.

Curt wouldn't go in after me!

Yeah, he would, he's your friend.

I hate friends!

You were the one that

made a blood oath.

Ah, all right! Let's go.

This mysterious portal.

Better be quick.

What is that?!

Dippin' Dots!

I wish we were

in Barnes and Noble.

I'm not being a p*ssy,

that was really scary, right?

I'm so scared, my sh*t

just sh*t its pants.

Where are we?

I don't know! Why do you

act like I've done this before?

- What are those things?

- Look, it's Curt!

I'm an American, jack,

get your hands off me!

Don't waterboard me, dude.

Where are we?

We're screwed.

Who are those people?

Lake of Fire!

Sin! Lake of Fire! Sin!

Lake of Fire! Sin!

Lake of Fire!

Holy sh*t!

Dude, we gotta hide!

May I take your order?

I will, have, uh

a pepperoni pizza, please.

There ain't no pepperoni pizza.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say

Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,

so I thought maybe

I could get some pizza, as well.

It says "pizza" and it says "taco,"

but we only got taco.

You're being tortured.

Oh, all right.

Order another pizza.

I think I see where this is headed.

Just order the damn pizza!

I will have, uh, a pizza with

extra cheese, please.

There ain't no pizza.

You can have a chalupa,

burrito... churro.

Now, it does say

Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Welcome to Hell.

Oh, my God!

We're in Hell!

Lake of Fire!

If you lend him a pen,

he chews on it.

Lake of Fire!

Fat guy with a nickname "Tiny."

Lake of Fire!

Lunch?

Damn, man, we got

20 minutes before break.

Oh, who's gonna know?

Sometimes I think your

heart's not in this anymore.

Sorry, man,

I'm just going through

some f***ing life changes

right now, you know?

I'm gonna throw you

in the f***ing flame.

- Is that a mortal?

- What the f*** are you doing?

Who, us?

Just floatin' around.

Tryin' to get hammed, dude.

Spring breakin' it.

Some bullshit's going on.

Take 'em back to processing.

No, no, no, no.

Take 'em to the office.

- Where?!

- Wait, let's talk about this.

Ouch! Hey!

Come on!

Ouch! Ouch!

Oh, okay, okay!

Please remove

all religious paraphernalia.

If you're a priest or a nun,

that's just really funny

because you wasted your life.

Enjoy your stay in Hell,

and remember,

you're here for a reason

or you're Jewish.

Pick up after yourself.

Your mother doesn't live here.

If she does, she was a whore.

What is this place?

Wait, what the f*** is that thing?

- Remy, Remy!

- What? There's nobody here.

I don't know, Augie,

this place is incredible.

No, Remy, don't touch anything.

This is "stranger danger"

all around us.

Now, everyone,

eat your own genitals.

We already ate them.

Well, throw up your genitals

and eat them again!

Our budget is out of control!

And I've got a report here

that says

we're making lost souls

walk over warm coals.

Uh, they're pretty hot.

I walked over them myself!

It felt like a freaking

foot massage!

We've all had to cut corners.

Even the gluttons are

beginning to look anorexic.

Our dental plan has

a steep deductible.

Our union hasn't had

a sacrifice in 3 years.

The reason that sh*t's

all f***ed up

is 'cause we're not

paying our people right.

Yeah, our team!

Hell yeah, n*gger!

Dude, I can't believe

you used the "n" word.

What? No, I can say it

down here, down here's okay.

All of you get the f*** out of here!

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