Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #3

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He is being a real b*tch today.

Gloria, hold my calls.

Ah, hump day.

The lunch room fridge

will be cleaned out on Friday.

They should at least

give us 'til Monday.

Well... If you leave any food...

drinks or containers in there...

No.

My spring rolls?

They will be thrown out.

That's my food!

It's still good! -What?

P.S. You also have

a time-sensitive email from

the Demon's Union.

Oh! Demon's Union!

What do they want?

They put in a request

to have the new mortal

tortured and sacrificed.

Curt's gonna be sacrificed?

Ugh, we've gotta find him.

Oh, boy!

P.P.S. Barb's on her way

down here from Heaven.

What?! She's flying down

here right now?

I'll tell her you're unavailable.

No, no! Tell her I've cleared

my schedule just for her.

Okay.

I'm gonna be off the grid

for a few minutes.

Now, I'll just rub one out

so I don't finish too quickly tonight.

Ah! Shirtz N Skinz with a "z".

? I love the way

she holds my horns

? Now we'll get naked

as the day we born

? She's straight from Heaven

? I won't let go

I won't... let... go...

Hey, Remy, what are you doing?

I'm looking for clues

to help us find Curt.

Oh, the Devil's cell phone.

That might come in handy.

Whoa. The Devil's actual

Devil's Brew.

Oh, oops.

Augie!

Are you okay?!

Yeah, motherf***er!

That's the real sh*t!

More, more. I need more please!

Give me more, please!

I'd drink a pint of ass blood

for another sip of that brew.

I need it inside of me!

If Heaven's right,

then I wanna be wrong

in Hell with this

sweet, sweet ambrosia!

? Doo wop doot doot

doot doot doo wop

? Doot doot doot doot doo wop

? Doot doot doot doot doo wop

Love seat.

? She's my angel

What the hell are

you two doing here?

We're just trying

to save our friend, Curt.

- Uh, yeah, yeah.

- You know, just in and out.

Really? Who do you

think you are, Orpheus?

Who's Orpheus?

You don't know your

Greek mythology, do ya?

Orpheus, the mortal

who came down to Hell

to rescue his wife?

Anyone?

Man, public education.

No wonder the Chinese

are kickin' our ass.

Wait, so he finds mortals

and rescues them from Hell?

Because you know what

we do to mortals in Hell...

Barb is on her way down to your office.

I told her she can't

go in unannounced.

Damn! Look, I'm gonna

kill both of you,

but I need some time alone

with an angel, first.

So, sit over here and enjoy

your last few moments alive.

It's gonna be great,

you're gonna love it.

Take your time!

Yeah, no hurry!

See ya in a few!

I'll be lovin' you for so long

? I don't know if

it's right or wrong

Ooh!

Whoa, Devil,

look at this new style of yours.

You're quite the dandy.

That's a real statement.

Wow, you really look good.

Oh, you.

- How do you do it?

- Low-carbs and porn.

Barb, you got nice ones.

Aww, see I'm not

wearing a bra, either.

No, your wings.

Have you had work done

on your wings?

- No.

- They're gorgeous.

Oh, Devil, stop it.

I have a little problem.

I wanna help so bad.

Somehow, I have to find

and extract two mortals

from unauthorized damnation

within your jurisdiction.

Two mortals, huh?

If I find 'em for ya,

what's my reward?

If you find them,

I'll do things with you

that would make

the Internet blush.

Oooh... yeah!

This is my lucky day.

Look over there, Barb!

Mini-golf?

Wait, uh, hold on.

Keep looking.

- What?

- Ugh! Work, machine!

Gotcha! Doh!

You know what?

Stop. Just stop.

Wait, Barb, where are you going?

I'm flying back to Heaven.

Don't text me until

you've found the two mortals.

Wait, Barb, I...

I love you!

Good luck!

Gloria, I need you

to put out an APB

on those two mortals

and make it clear

that if they're not found,

I will rip every demon's head off!

Do you have any idea

where they're heading?

I might've told them

about Orpheus a little.

Wait, wait, wait...

Attention, demons.

There are 2 mortals

on the loose in Hell,

so if everyone could

put down your spears

and look around your work area.

Repeat, two mortals...

Did we just get name-checked

by Hell's Public Address System?

One is a normal-looking

guy and the other one

looks like he only eats dough.

That seemed a little mean.

Anybody?

Augie, Augie, check it out.

A gondola. Let's go!

We are deploying

all demons to locate

and capture the two mortals.

They are on their way

to find Orpheus.

Orpheus!

We're gone-dola in 60 seconds.

Boo.

What? "Gone in Sixty Seconds"

is a movie about you eating a wedding cake.

Do you know where we're going?

Let's find Orpheus.

I got an idea for another

great punishment.

Imagine this:
hot girl,

she asks you out.

She's like, "Hey, let's go

do Bikram yoga."

You go, you do yoga.

It's hot, it's sweaty,

she looks f***ing great.

She shows you every major

flexibility that she has.

Sweaty in all the right places.

What do you call that one move?

Dog down.

She can get her feet

behind her ears.

Legs behind her f***ing neck...

and walk home on her ass.

She's making her body

into that alphabet

right there on that yoga mat.

A, B, C, D...

And she's spelling out

"F*** me"... - Of course she is.

...while you're doing yoga,

which sucks for you,

but you're gonna do it

because you're gonna get

to f*** this hot girl after.

Oh, I love that!

End of the night,

"Good night, I gotta go home."

What?!

So, you do yoga

day after day and no sex.

That would be

the ultimate punishment

for any man.

That's a great punishment.

I've always feared

that I was meant

to die a virgin,

like that's my main purpose.

Shut up, Augie!

Hey, does that look

like those mortals?

They found us!

Oh, I guess it is.

Throw them in the Lake of Fire!

The mortals have been spotted

on the Devil's Gondola.

- Come on.

- Over here.

Bring back the mortals, alive.

Let's go!

Aw!

3, 2, 1...

It's a living.

Yee-ha.

Run! Run!

Get back here!

You're not goin' anywhere!

Augie!

I'm gonna f*** you two up!

Where you gonna go now?

Hold on!

There he is! Get him!

Kill him!

No, my mints!

Hey, everybody, we got mints!

It's raining mints!

Hold on!

You like getting stabbed?

I'll cut that

little face of yours.

Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth.

Here, you want a soda pop?

Ooh, I wouldn't

say "no."

It's flat.

You got flat soda.

You got me.

Here, you want some

neopolitan ice cream?

Oh, thank you.

All right, here it is.

Now, someone seems to have

eaten all of the chocolate and vanilla.

That's right!

You just have strawberry.

You should drink some of this milk.

I'm not usually a milk-drinker.

Oh! -It's Quick!

- Yeah...

- It's Strawberry Quick!

It's not even Chocolate Quick.

No, it's that strawberry crap.

- It's not fun.

- Welcome to Hell.

Let's see, alumni

association, no thanks.

Starving children,

f*** you. Heh.

Devil? Sal and Dave

called to say they lost

the two mortals

you were looking for.

I think Barb's gonna

be disappointed.

Damn it! I'm surrounded

by idiots.

Put them through.

Hey, boss.

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