Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #4

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What are you doing?

I just did yoga.

Turns out, dudes only.

Huge bummer.

Oh, good! Oh, good!

You're finding your core.

This is good to hear.

Once you find your core,

go find the mortals!

Okay, plan of attack.

Let's see, if I...

Aha! Gloria, I need you to announce

the biggest sacrifice at the Crossroads

that Hell has ever seen.

Okay, Devil.

Then, I'll simply wait

for the other mortals

to come to me.

I really gotta grow a mustache.

Now, let's see here.

Push this...

Whoa!

Faster than I remembered...

This elevator can't be up to code.

Let's see, the last time

it was inspected was...

Okay, voided my bowels.

You can do this, buddy.

This is for the demons.

They love this sh*t.

Let's do this!

All right, everybody!

Prepare to meet our dark lord!

Grrr!

All hail the God of Lies!

You're goddamn right!

The worst of the worst!

F***in' A!

The Hell Pig of Butt Mountain!

Don't love that one.

The douchiest of all bags.

That was kinda mean, actually

The dick of all a**holes!

Okay, that's enough.

The guy who f***ed your mother

and tells you about it!

Always! Just one step

too far.

Where's the f***ing mortal?!

Hot f*** action to the max,

that's what I like,

hot f*** action

to the max...

got a big dick.

What do you have

to say for yourself?

Where am I?!

You poor, dumb bastard.

You don't even know

what's going on.

Fella, you're in Hell.

Oh, boy.

And who are you?

Can you believe this guy?

I'm the f***ing Devil!

No one had the decency

to torture this guy

before I got down here?

The boys were just hoping

to see the master at work.

You are the man, the Devil!

Enough ass-kissing.

Now, which one of these

dastardly contraptions

shall I use?

Ah! Perhaps this one!

Oh, no, no,

that's our

foosball table, chief.

Agh!

Moving on!

Aha! Get in here.

Okay.

There! Tell me of the

pain you feel

so we may laugh at you!

Ah, okay, um,

actually the bouncing

up and down is kind of giving me

a tickle in a funny spot.

It is not tickling!

- Is this a Sybian?

- No!

I assure you, this is a Sybian.

- You get off this.

- Try this.

- Let me on.

- Let me...

Let me on!

It's a Sybian.

Oh, wait a minute, guys.

Seriously, come on.

What do you want?

I'll give you anything.

Please don't do this,

for God's... please.

I'll stroke your shaft

and play with your nuts.

I'll stick my fingers

in your ass.

I will tickle your balls.

I'll suck everybody's cock here.

Whose cock is first?

Don't do this!

I'll su...

Kill them all and

let God sort 'em out.

Who's next?

Shut up or I'll drill

your brains and

turn you into sex zombies.

Why are you mortals here?

I, uh, uh...

He found a crying Devil book

and made our friend

take a blood oath,

which I was up for,

but now I look back on

as a mistake.

And he broke the oath.

That's why we're here.

Not because I...

Why are you looking for Orpheus?

Because he, he, he...

Because Orpheus is

the only one who can

save our friend!

Girl.

Hey, you tricked us!

Yeah, that's false advertising.

I know, I'm bad.

But I could still kill you

'cause I'm half-demon.

Oh, okay.

Take me to Orpheus!

Only if you take

us to Curt first.

F*** no.

Um... yeah,

the way I see it,

you can't find

Orpheus without us,

so we've got the

upper hand, purple lady.

Take me to Orpheus.

Ahh!

Hey, that's my heart.

Ten, nine...

Heart belongs in body.

Oh, do you need

your little heart?

Seven... Pretty sure

you're gonna die.

Take my liver.

It's already dead.

It needs its owner.

Put it back in.

Five... Oh, it's slowing

down... three...

two...

It shouldn't be

outside of my body...

Take your last breath.

Okay, okay, okay,

don't kill my friend!

Oh!

I saw a white light

and then my grandmamommy

was there and she was like,

"Hey, Remington,

would you like a cookie?"

Where's Orpheus?!

Okay, okay, I got

his address in here.

Gah, cracked screen.

He's in the ancient...

Ah, the Ancient Realm.

It looks like the corner of...

Inferno and Martin Luther

King Jr. Drive.

Sounds like a good neighborhood.

Do you know where that is?

Durmessa, that lying b*tch.

He's been down there

this whole time.

Uh, everything okay?

Yeah. You guys help me

find Orpheus

and I'll get you

to your friend Curt.

Yes! -Deal!

Okay, everyone.

Keep it down.

Let's get this thing started.

Ooh! Is that the mortal

you're feedin' to Beelzebub?

Don't worry about it, 'kay?

I got it handled.

Gang, Curt.

Curt, gang.

Hey, nobody told me it was

Bring Your Mortal to Work Day.

Oh, is that what

you think we're here for,

so you can all make jokes?

I just got word

we're going to start

judging pets so

dogs can go to Heaven.

You know what that means?

Yes! We're getting all

the a**hole dogs!

Yeah, we get, like,

inbred motherfuckers.

Uh-huh, that's a lot

of dogs.

I'm not running a kennel here.

Hey, you, does

everyone have dogs?

Well, not everyone.

I have a cat.

You know the hardest part

about having cats is?

Telling your parents your gay.

Hey! Cut the homophobic

sh*t! You got it?

Did you know that Azazel

over here is gay?

Sorry, to out you, Az.

Anyway...

Now I gotta figure out

who's gonna clean up

all that dog sh*t!

No!

Hey, bro, just let

the f***ing mortal do it.

Or, feed it to the gluttons.

Yeah, dawg!

Yeah, that's the way to do it!

All of you, get the

f*** out of here!

What-what. Somebody's

crazy evil today.

Curt, come sit over here, buddy.

Hold on! It's gonna

get bumpy!

Deema, I think we're lost!

The GPS says we're supposed

to pass a bail bonds

and a wig store.

These idiots that work for me

make a pile of sh*t

and then they say,

"Turn it into roses."

Whoa!

Wh... What happened?

Oh, that's better.

Bro, you just f***ing shrunk.

Well, that version

of me is sort of

my business suit.

- Keeps the demons in line.

- Really?

Devil, the computer network

is down again.

I don't need this right now.

And IT can't get here

'til tomorrow.

Do you know that

everything we use here

is Dell?

- Can you believe that?

- Uh...

I would much prefer a Mac.

It's friendlier for

creative types.

You know, I consider

myself an artist.

Oh, an artist like

Picasso or Banksy?

Can I see some work?

Well, I do have this one thing

that I've been working on.

Oh, you gotta let me see it.

It's a blacklight painting.

You see here,

this is a little Devil,

on a dune buggy,

right, and he's flipping off...

What, what is that?

I can't read your reaction.

No, it's really good.

Interesting thing about this...

It's like a f***ing cartoon.

Nope, that's a realist painting.

That's f***ing hilarious.

God, do you have

any more funny pictures?

No. You don't get to see

any more of my art.

There's your first punishment in Hell.

- That's...

- You did it to yourself.

We're almost there.

Gotta go to the bathroom.

Use a cup.

This is the way to Orpheus.

What is this place,

a microbrewery?

Stay behind me and keep quiet.

What the f*** is that thing?

Durmessa.

You wanna party?

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