Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #5

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Ugh, she's been in

a 2000-year bender.

I want you to come on over here

and look under my flap.

Please, stop.

Oh, is that right, Mom?

Mom?

How could you do it?

All these years I've

been searching

and he's been down here

this whole time.

He's a f***-face

and a deadbeat.

What? Orpheus

is a poet

and noble warrior.

You're in love with a drink.

You wouldn't dare!

Open the portal.

You stupid little b*tch!

Devil's brew!

I'll lick your can

for 30 more drops!

Stop it! I'll f***ing

kill you.

Deema!

You should've told me.

I'm a swan.

My bottom

says "meow."

You fat pillbilly!

Ow.

You're letting us through!

Stop it!

I made smelly.

God, Deema!

Parkour!

My hand and feet are cops.

My hand and feet are cops.

Oh, momma.

Oh, God!

Why are we going down here again?

Curt! - Right.

- Your friend Curt.

- Our friend Curt.

Yeah...

He's not what you think.

He's only gonna

disappoint you, Deema.

I'm used to disappointment.

It feels like my brain is vibrating

in a good way.

Best thing about whippits,

you'll feel totally fine

in 15 seconds.

We used to do these

at the carnival all the time.

So, Devil, what's

your story, man?

How'd you get down here?

I used to live

upstairs, you know?

Was actually besties

with the Big Man.

- You mean God?

- Yes, sir.

I was in charge of his armies, too.

But, they went off to battle and

I was off with this

sweet set of wings...

Oh, man! There was this angel

that was epic in bed.

She had a p*ssy

inside her p*ssy.

What? Is that real?!

Turns out, God was

dating her, too,

so I guess I'm the a**hole.

So, wait, wait, wait.

You're the Devil

and have been condemned

to Hell for eternity for f***ing

God's girlfriend?

Yep.

Whoa, sounds like you got

some kind of angel fetish, man.

They're gonna be

the death of me.

Check this sh*t out.

Uh, yeah! Wow!

What's her name?

Barb. I f***in'

love her, man.

But she barely knows I exist.

Oh, I doubt that.

Oh, man, those

wings are so white

and soft.

Barb, why aren't we married?

Migraines in Hell

are really bad.

I blacked out.

Yeah... don't let me

drink Devil's brew again.

Oh, my God.

Hey, I didn't have sex

with that blue lady, did I?

Not in the biblical sense.

- Whoa.

- Whoa.

This must be the way to Orpheus.

What, we're gonna swim there?

Nope, we're gonna

take that submersible.

Cool!

Augie, take this rope

and attach it to that hook.

Remy, you go inside

and man the controls.

Come on, hop to it.

Jeez, whose side are you on?

What you don't like team work?

I'm just trying to

be positive and

build a foundation

of trust within

the framework...

Oh, yeah!

Me strokey.

Me have a strokey.

Losing motor skills.

Tasting pennies...

I'm releasing the first

cable now, Augie.

Damn it, Augie, get inside!

I have to adjust the

ballast manually.

Hey, what happened?

I'm so fake interested.

Whoa.

- Whoa.

- Purple paradise.

Come, you guys,

if we're gonna get through this,

you're gonna have

to listen to me.

I do what I want when I want.

Really?

Get this off me!

You're gonna wear this

untl you learn to listen.

Well, dip me in salt

and lick my a**hole.

What?

It's a saying

I'm trying to get started.

Hey, what's this?

Yeah, that's my idea book.

I jot down new

punishments I think of

as I go about my day.

Well, the Devil has

a little genius pad.

Let's hear what you got.

It's a catapult, right,

with poop inside.

See, now, these here,

they're stink lines.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Devil.

That dude getting

sacrificed looks

a lot like me.

Yeah, my cartoonist

is good, huh?

You mean that's

supposed to be me?

Yeah, you're the one

being sacrificed.

I thought I told you that.

Wh...? Oh...

Augie, get your head

in the game, man.

- What's the matter with you?

- I don't know, Remy.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, no, no, no.

We're coming in too fast.

You wouldn't even know

what to do with her.

Okay, little tubby kid

from "Goonies"?

Thirty degrees to starboard!

I got it, Deema!

I'll do it.

See? We have

a connection, Remy.

Why is the sub listing?

Oh, no, this is

really bad, Augie.

She said "Augie."

You're in the friend zone

and you don't even know it!

How would you

know the friend zone?

I've only read about

the friend zone

in Bummer Magazine.

See, I love nobody,

and that's what makes

me a leader.

What the f*** is that?!

This is an RPG nightmare.

Where there's no leveling up.

Oh, my God.

Deema, are you okay?

We've crossed over

to the Ancient Realm.

Get behind me!

You travel the path of Orpheus?!

Yes, we do!

Then know the fate of Orpheus!

Get it? This is the

fate of Orpheus.

I'm still alive.

This mech is pretty tits, right?

Huh?

Hahahahaha.

Wait, you're Orpheus?

I've spent my

whole life dreaming

of the day I could

finally meet you.

Well, that's very flattering,

but I try to be upfront

with all my groupies.

I'm not the marrying type.

No, we've come to rescue you.

You can rescue my sperm

from my testes.

You guys wanna see my digs?

Uh, f*** and yes together equals

f*** yes!

Then, f***ing yes

it is, let's do this.

Orpheus!

Nice to meet you, I'm Augie.

I put Skittles in my cereal.

Who is this mushy man?

We were told you're an expert

at getting mortals out of Hell.

Who told you that?

Is that true?

You're really gonna kill me?

Yeah.

I thought we had a good thin

going on here.

We were just bro-in' out.

We were, but it says here that

you made a blood oath

and you broke it.

Seriously, a blood oath?

Yeah, it was dumb.

Nobody does blood oaths anymore!

Not since that guy

f***ed a monkey.

Well, I...

You promised somebody

a breath mint

and you reneged.

Really?

Ha-ha. That is lame.

But also punishable by death

and an eternity in Hell.

Damn. Seriously, there's

nothing you can do?

If you'd given him a mint back,

you wouldn't even be here.

With my ideas for Hell,

I'm worth a lot more

to you alive than dead.

Well, you're... You got a point.

Hmm, options, possibilities.

You know, I could give

another mortal

to the Demons Union,

spare your life.

That's great!

What can I do to repay you?

Why don't you help me

to make this sacrifice

a huge event?!

A spectacle so big...

that it might even

impress a certain angel.

Deal! - Deal.

That's it?

Thank you, Devil!

Actually,

I'm going to need you to sign

and initial this and this.

It's a non-disclosure agreement.

Oh, and anyone working here

under my employ needs

to pass a urine test.

We just did drugs together,

like, an hour ago.

I know, I just kinda

wanted your piss.

Down here!

No way!

That's so rad.

Hey, is that a pogo stick?

It sure is, Bromeo. Hundred

and fifty jumps yesterday.

- Give it up, no breaks.

- What-what?

Yeah-yeah!

Wait, I thought you said

pogo sticks were for pussies.

You said what about a pogo stick?

You said that a pogo stick

was a dick

and only a p*ssy would need

to jump up and down on it over and over.

No, I didn't say pogo sticks,

I said hobo d*cks.

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