Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #6

---

Why is this woman lying?

He's a fat little lesbian that lies.

I like pogo sticks.

I would never disrespect

a pogo stick.

This is what you've been doing

for the last 2,000 years?

You've been down here

playing with toys?

Check that as a "yes."

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, thank you, Charon,

we're fine.

That guy thinks

his boats are the sh*t.

The wood is rotting.

It's a boat only fit

for illegal immigrants.

I wish he'd just row back to Cuba!

Remy Rems, check out my skills, yo.

Hell, yeah, man.

- Wow!

- Pretty cool, huh? That's me.

She looks pretty hot.

Look how hot I am.

That's incredible, man.

You painted that?

I painted it and posed for it

at the same time.

How do you even

physically do that?

- You're amazing.

- Remy, I am just like you.

I put my underwear on

one ball at a time.

When did you learn to paint?

The moment I was born,

I came out of the womb

and I quickly turned around

and I painted

my mother's vagina.

You guys like the lyre?

Is that like a guitar?

I don't know.

Does the guitar

increase the gravity

of a pair of women's panties?

Mmm-hmm.

I could make a tree

bone me with this thing.

And the trees will

bone you here,

so be careful.

Does this sound right to you?

Yeah, that sounds good.

A tree will f*** me?

When I was a small boy,

I was walking through a forest

and a tree tried

to overpower me.

Oh, really?

What did you do?

He pushed me on the ground

and wrapped his leaves

around my face and arms.

And then the next thing I knew,

a branch was penetrating my ass.

Oh, God!

It was a pointy, pointy branch.

I mean, did he wear, like,

a leaf condom or anything?

No, just bark.

When he was done,

he shed his acorns upon my back.

Oh, that's the worst

thing I've ever heard.

Um, Orpheus, uh,

what were you wearing

when the tree violated you?

You think I asked for it?

Were you maybe

dressed like a bush?

I was dressed like

a human being!

All right, I'm sorry!

I'm gonna go start a shelter

for tree rape victims.

It's not a joke!

Uh, Mr. Orpheus,

why have you stayed

here if you could

leave at any time?

Especially with trees

like my Uncle Carl.

Well, me and my road dawgs

used to come down

here all the time,

rescuing virgins,

and they'd say,

"Oh, wassup now,

gangsta, let me"

"thank you with my lady parts."

"Well, if I must."

"Oh, by the way,

this baby's yours."

And then I'm just like,

"I'm outta here, missy!"

Responsibilities, that sh*t

is zombiewalk, man.

I'm like black people,

I'll take freedom.

Preacher, meet the choir.

Wow, Orpheus,

don't you ever get

lonely down here?

You must have once wished

you had a family, right?

Guess what?

No.

Fun times

we're all having together.

You know what else would be fun?

Finding Curt.

It's the reason

we came down here.

Oh, fine. Whatevs.

I can get you

wherever you wanna go,

but first,

you must pass...

the Trials of the Mortals.

Well, I hope you all are ready

for a physical challenge.

Who wants to see how good I am?

Um...

Yes! Okay...

Moving, moving,

breathing very hard.

Super-strong,

super speed.

Watch me f***ing leap so high!

Stuck it.

I can leap and fart

at the same...

F*** me!

It hurts so bad.

I'm weak.

You know what?

You guys are good.

Everyone passed,

A-pluses. Thank you.

Warriors, I've tested

your mind and body.

Now, the hardest test of all.

You must resist that which tears

all mortal men apart, women.

In a minute, a super-hot

sexy b*tch is going

to come through that door and

try to seduce you into

telling her the secret word.

She will stop at

absolutely nothing,

to get it out of you.

You will want to f***

her silly, trust me.

No matter what she does,

no matter how long

she fucks you,

do not give her the secret word.

I repeat, do not give it to her!

The secret word

is "jasmine."

Whoo-hoo, boys!

Who wants to take

their ball sacks

and put 'em in my mouth?

Jasmine! Jasmine!

Jasmine! Jasmine!

You all failed

to resist her charms.

I was watching from a remote

monitor in the other room.

But you can all move on.

Back to my tiki bar!

- Yes!

- All right!

The one that I built

out of that tree

that sodomized me.

Didn't we pass?

I don't understand.

I can't believe

I've spent my entire life

looking for this loser.

I just need to find out

one thing for sure

and then I can

put this behind me.

Wait, what?

Garcon, these men

need some victory juice

to pour down our head holes.

Let's make a toast!

- To rescuing Curt!

- No.

To all the road dawgs

who had the courage

to leave their pregnant wives!

Yeah, f*** them hos.

Orpheus, I bet you like

all flavor b*tches.

The f*** I do.

Chinese, Asian,

Korean, Pan-Asian,

- Pan-Korean.

- Goo-goo-gai pan.

That's a Cantonese dinner dish.

Yeah.

You'd f*** a

Cantonese dinner dish?

Um... yes.

Well, then, cool.

Pfft.

But no fat b*tches.

No!

Deema...

You're the coolest chick ever.

You're just like me.

If you didn't have a p*ssy,

I'd think you were my son.

And if you didn't have a p*ssy,

I'd think you were my dad.

Oh, busted!

Come on, Orpheus,

get on the real real.

You never f***ed a demon?

Well, okay, there was just

this one.

What was it like?

So, we're in the bone zone,

I'm really finding my rhythm

and suddenly, she drops the,

"Oh, let's move into my

cottage made of tentacles,"

and I was like,

"Peace out."

Man, I heard she

really plumped up.

Twinkies just jumped

into her mouth.

What was her name?

Mmm, I barely remember.

I believe it was, uh...

hmmm...

Durmessa.

Oh, sh*t!

My face!

You deadbeat dad.

All this time,

I thought you were

being held captive

against your will.

I convinced myself that is

why you never came home.

Wait, Deema, let's talk.

You're still gonna take us

to Curt, right?

I don't know where he is!

Orpheus was supposed

to have all the answers.

You lied?

Of course I lied.

That's what demons do.

What a purple b*tch!

How dare you say that to her!

Someday, she will

be my purple wife!

I told you she was a liar.

Oh, yeah, that's right

because you're

smarter than everybody.

I'm Remy, look at

my weird haircut.

I wear a corduroy

peacoat and listen

to dubstep music.

Well, I'm tired of it!

Women usually do that to me

after I make love to them.

Augie!

F*** him, Remy.

Let's watch my

sweet-ass flat screen.

I have the entire

"Big Momma's House" trilogy.

Deema!

Uh?

You're pathetic, you know that?

Yeah.

- Where are you even going?

- Nowhere.

I was just looking for you.

I still think we can make

a great team-a.

I don't know why

you still believe in me.

I come from a lying demon

and a selfish mortal.

Doesn't change who you are.

My dad's a big jerk

and my mom lied to him

about being a woman.

Okay, um, I don't know

what to do with that,

Augie, but thanks for

giving me another chance.

Get in.

Whoa. Ahh.

Twitter alert from

the Demon Union.

What does it say?

It's a reminder to

tune in and watch

the mortal sacrifice

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes