Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #7

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tonight at the Crossroads.

That's where they're

gonna sacrifice Curt!

Do you know how to get there?

Yeah, it's really close to here.

Big Momma,

you fooled them again.

Would you f*** Big Momma?

Yes.

Would you?

Bro-dawg,

I've f***ed every woman

I've ever met.

Except for that

smokin' angel Barb.

She's the one that got away.

What happened?

She just wanted to be

stupid friends.

Ugh, I don't need

friends anymore.

Ya know what I mean?

I need bros.

Yeah.

You know what I's saying, man.

Wake up, see my bros

in the bunk bed above me.

Play video games,

then we order some Za.

We eat it with all

of our bros together,

high-fiving after

eating each bite.

Then we all take

a sh*t together.

You have a bathroom

with 5 toilets,

everyone making eye contact

while reading Maxim.

And the next day,

we do the same thing.

It's the way

of the bro, like you said.

Well, your way of the bro is

a little different than mine,

but I hear you.

Coming up tonight,

from the Quick-Jet Printer

Replacement Cartridge Stadium,

Shirtz and Skinz perform

their latest single.

Later, mortal Curt Meyers

will be sacrficed live!

Sh*t! Curt!

Wassup?

We gotta go.

Go wear, bra?

- Orpheus, we gotta save Curt.

- Huh?

Come on, that's what you do!

You rescue mortals from Hell.

I ain't that guy anymore

That's a young man's game.

What do you say?

One last mission?

Sorry.

Well, then I gotta go on my own.

Why? He's not

your friend, man.

I'm your friend,

you just said it.

You wanted to bro out

and stare at each

other on toilets.

I'm sorry, brother.

I guess I'm gonna go

set 5 mirrors up

in my bathroom and

stare at myself

as I make the forbidden mud.

To the Crossroads!

Pretend you're rowing

to Florida!

Of course his boat

has a hole in it.

What a loser.

Augie!

Hey, Augie!

Hey, Deema, what's goin' on?

Augie, Curt's gonna

be sacrificed.

We have to save him.

We're handling it. Thank you

for your interest.

Um...

Why don't you guys

get in my boat?

Look, man, I know I was a dick.

Just get in.

Fine, you want me to say it?

I suppose you earned it.

I...

I love you, man.

I never realized

how great my friends are

until I had that stupid

thought that I didn't...

blah, blah, blah, middle part,

I haven't made it easy on you,

took you for granted, big close,

I'll never make

this mistake again.

Unh-uhn.

I really need you, dude.

I can't do this on my own.

You...

you need me?

Yep.

To the Crossroads!

You're on in one minute.

Damn, I hate public speaking.

Anyone got a Xanax?

Hey, Hell is ours.

We own this place.

Am I right?

Right, right.

I'm the Devil.

Get out there on that stage

and start struttin' that sh*t!

Yeah!

Hail Satan!

I give you the Devil!

Oh, and, uh, Curt,

we couldn't find

any other mortals,

so we have to

sacrifice you. Sorry.

Whoa, that's bullshit!

Hold on, wait, wait, wait!

Hurts me more than it...

'kay, thanks, bye.

I'm f***ed!

Woo-woo-woo-woo USA!

USA!

USA! USA!

Devil! Come on!

The Devil!

Switch it up! Devil!

Oh, come on!

Devil! U..S...

We are about to meet

our sacrifice!

He's not just your

average oath-breaker.

He's a friendship-

forsaker.

You can't do this to me!

Haha!

Why not?

Because, we made

a deal, remember?

Let me read it.

Uh-huh, boiler plate,

latin, mm-hmm,

legalese...

Read it out loud!

"I will not sacrifice

Curt if he helps me"

"put on a real special show to

impress Barb the Angel."

Aha!

Bullshit! What the hell?

You're right.

It's all right here.

Oh, that is beautiful!

Curt?

Yeah?

When is a contract

not a contract?

When it's eaten!

Aw, Devil, you are

a piece of sh*t.

I guess your contract

is now null and void.

You all right there, Devil?

Sound a little gassy.

Almost feels like I ate a

bad burrito or something.

Not good.

Look at him.

Demons, continue

with the sacrifice.

Stomach, let me

introduce you to toilet.

You two should get along great.

Hey, ow!

Get off me, man!

Guys! Come on! Sh*t!

Those demons want blood.

I know how this song ends.

No! They're gonna kill him.

How do we get past those guards?

I got this one.

There's nothing hornier

than a demon in Hell.

? You be a woman to me

? because I like what I see

? The way you're

crossing your knees

? you make me say

"pretty please"

? Make me feel like a man

? I take as much as I can

? Be a woman

? Be a woman, be a woman

? Be a woman?

Help! - Curt!

Hey, help me!

Curt!

Wait, what? Guys!

How the f*** did you get down here?

We came down to save you.

Yo, whaddup?

There's my sweet baby boy.

- Hey!

- Oh, mama missed you.

Easy, Augie.

Who's she?

The Devil's coming back!

The Devil's gonna sacrifice me!

You gotta get me outta here!

All right, let's go.

Nobody mention anything

about his diarrhea.

What the f*** are you doing?

Lake of Fire!

No, no, no, no!

Help me!

Remy! Remy!

Yeah, I'm back!

Keep the fan on in there.

Well, well, what do we have here?

Um, can we get that bridge back?

If you answer "yes"

to any of these questions,

you may have an enlarged prostate.

Do you have difficult urinating?

Yes. -Weak stream?

Yes.

Dribbling?

Yes.

Painful urination?

Yes.

P*ssy, yellow discharge?

Yes.

If you answered "yes"

to all of these questions,

go immediately to the hospital.

No.

Okay, in addition to one mortal,

we are also going to sacrifice

the daughter of Orpheus! Zing!

My daughter!

Chew on that, Orphy!

Tough beans!

Oh, sh*t.

I've got to save her!

Oh, f*** me.

Uh, and I'm off.

Where the hell is my phone?

- Extra order of dipping sauce...

- Gimme that! - And I would like...

But I gave them my credit card!

I told you to stop calling me.

I know, I know,

but I thought you'd like to know

that I found the two mortals

you were looking for.

No way.

You're just saying this

to get me to come down there.

Oh, no, I promise it's true.

How do I know?

Prove it.

You know what I'll take a picture

with my phone and send it to you.

Ah, there and... sending.

What?

It's a dick pic.

Sorry, wrong picture.

Sending...

Oh, my...

Devil, it is the mortals.

I said I would find them

for you and I did.

I'll be right there.

Get ready for some

sweet Devil lovin'.

Hello?

Shirtz and Skinz, you're next.

Last rehearsal.

? She's my angel

Angel

? She's my angel

? She's my angel

Angel, angel

Yeah!

I'm a big fan!

Ah, that's great, man.

Super cool. - Yes!

Want me to sign

something for ya?

Will you autograph

my fist with your face?

Ah, sure, man.

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t, God, f*** me.

I came by to inform you

that the concert

has been rescheduled.

The good news is you're all still

- getting paid and laid.

- Cool. - Yes.

Oh, fellas, please leave

your costumes.

And there is an assortment of groupies

waiting outside to suck your d*cks.

F*** yeah, dawg!

My dick's gonna be a straw.

Word.

Okay, demons and damned,

before we sacrifice any mortals,

I'd like to introduce you

to my favorite boy band,

Shirtz and Skinz!

With a "z."

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