Chris Rea: The Road to Hell & Back Page #8

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That's the way to do it!

What?!

That's just Shirtz.

Where the f*** is Skinz?

Look, I'm sorry,

the rest of the band

is stuck in traffic.

So, I'm gonna rock

3 times as hard.

? As a young boy I found solace

? in the forest wild and free

? 'til that fateful day

youth was ripped away

? 'neath the boughs

of an old oak tree

? He wrapped his leaves

'round my fragile frame

? and thrust me to the grass

? How my face did blanch

as his mighty branch did

? penetrate my ass

? Now when a tree

comes in the forest,

? tell me, do you think

it makes a sound?

? No, you'll only hear

the wail of a broken tot

? lying butt-up on the ground

? My life and ass both splintered

? and my sphincter torn and loose

? So, I mourn for my lost innocence

? and for all that's pure and good

? And I mourn the day

? I learned the painful meaning of

? morning wood

? morning wood?

What is this sh*t?

Surprise, surprise!

It is I!

Orpheus?!

You thought I was someone else,

but I'm not someone else.

I'm Orpheus,

the guy that you didn't think I was

but I am now.

Yeah, I get it.

It's called a disguise.

You put it on, I thought you

were someone else.

No more explaining.

I can't believe you made it.

Yeah, you said you were retiring

- from saving mortals.

- I did.

But I never said

anything about retiring

from saving half-mortals.

Really? You came back

here for me?

Yes. Look, I know

I wasn't the best father

and I wasn't around for you.

And I really regret that.

Oh, Dad, that's

so sweet of you to say.

Mmm, yes.

Sweet lips.

Oh, oh, this isn't that.

Oh, I may have slightly

misread that situation.

- Yeah.

- Uh...

we haven't done a DNA test,

so there's still a possibility

that this isn't

totally disgusting.

No.

No matter.

I love you, daughter.

Okay, let's get out of Hell!

Everybody on!

What?! Oh!

Gimme that!

Haha! I win!

It's time for... bam... the sacrifice!

Crucify 'em!

Barb, the one that got away.

Oh, yeah! Slutty angel!

? Easy come, easy go

She's on the wrong side of 40.

Ma-ma.

? We will bring the light

Wish I was that pole.

? We will set the night on fire

? Come on, burn it up

Look, look, here's your mortals!

Orpheus, that song about

getting raped by trees,

it... it was so beautiful and personal.

You're such a sensitive artist.

Barb, I'm a sensitive artist, too!

What the hell?

Look at the painting I did of you.

It's a black light painting.

Of me on a dune buggy.

Aw, jeez Louise.

Sacrifice!

Orpheus isn't going down easy.

Here she is.

We need more ammunition.

You're not gonna kill him, are ya?

Start folding t-shirts.

You're scaring...

Okay.

Darling, I've traveled

many, many miles

to find you.

You have?

Yes.

I've tried to

fight off my feelings,

but the head can't

tell the heart where to go.

What do you say

you, me, and my penis

get hitched

and fly off into the sunset?

The only thing that matters is,

Barb, do you want to spend

the rest of our life together?

? They all said that

? our love stood not a chance

? That our hearts could never

? keep it in their pants

? But when my penis

saw your sweet vagina

? standing 'cross the room

What is this, "Jersey Boys"?

? my scrotum did a backflip

? and my lonely balls did swoon

I hate musicals.

"Mamma Mia" wasn't bad.

? Now it's clear

? that this love was meant to be

? My vagina

? My penis

? You and me

Stop singing!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, no!

The demons want blood!

We gotta get outta here now!

- Hurry up!

- Grab a fistful of white!

Hold on!

Load me up!

Wait for me!

- Augie!

- Barb, you gotta go back!

Grab on, tubby!

You don't have to call me that.

Reach with your sausage fingers!

Come on, honey!

Pretend we're made

out of cookie dough!

I got it, go!

Die, Orpheus.

Look out!

Oh, sh*t!

Barb!

F***ing t-shirts.

No!

We're gaining speed.

We gotta wake her up!

Ah!

She's out cold!

Barb, wake up!

Do something, Remy!

Slap her harder.

Try the back of your hand.

Oh, no!

Ugh, f*** me.

What's that sound?

It's a sex offender alert.

- Cool app.

- Shhh! Quiet!

Run!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Holy sh*t, these trees

are alive, man!

Careful down here.

There are trees who

think "no" means "yes."

Just don't stop running!

Wait, where's Barb?!

Help!

Help!

I have to go back for Barb!

Dad, no!

We'll catch up to you!

There! Head for the cave!

I'm coming, Barb!

Hold on!

Were you trying to hit her, boss?

I mean, you shot her

right between the eyes.

She's probably fine.

She's an angel.

It was a good shot,

if you meant to hit her.

Knock it off!

Focus.

Of... what's that smell?

True heroes to have

laid such a costly sacrifice

upon the altar of freedom.

Yeah...

But, that's what you get

for chasing p*ssy.

? Stitching up your wing!

? This is the stitching up

your wing song

Barb, look out!

Don't you touch her!

What?

No, I'm helping her.

Oh, really?

Orpheus?

Tree?

You look familiar.

Orpheus? Orpheus?

Yeah, it's me, you diddler.

I always hoped

I'd run into you someday.

I bet you did.

No, no, it's not like that.

I wanted to apologize

for what I did to you.

"I'm sorry" is just

not going to cut it.

Did you ever get my gift basket?

No.

You're kidding.

I tracked the package.

I understand your anger,

but I've done a lot of work

in therapy to get better.

Is there anything I can do

to make it right?

When I find Orpheus

I'm gonna mount his balls

on a stick!

There is one thing...

Hey, Tree!

Have you see an angel?

I did, yes.

Well, where is she?

Um...

She went...

that way.

Oh, okay.

Well, good to see you.

Keep growing.

Yeah, keep growing, tree.

What do you want me to do to him?

Shed your acorns across his back.

My psychologist

is going to kill me,

but I'll do it.

Let us escape to a secret place

where I can motorboat those wings.

You're so dirty.

Hey, does anybody want to stop

for Red Bull and

crystal meth smoothies?

Oh, sh*t! Hold on,

like you didn't do last time!

Quit squirming.

Grab on! Pull!

No!

Look, boss, over there!

There's movement.

Let's go!

Wha... what are you gonna do to me?

What do they want from me?!

No! No! No! No!

I've got a pig in a blanket.

That tree is putting on lipstick.

Curt! Deema! Remy!

Are you f***ing serious?

I hope that's for marshallows.

No, no, no, no!

Hold on!

Yeah!

Bullseye!

What the f***?!

Grrr! This is my house.

You gonna screw with me?

You had a mint the whole time?

What? - A mint!

I didn't know it was there.

It must've been stuck

in the lining of my shirt.

I swear!

Who gives a sh*t

about a stupid mint?!

A mint?

Don't let him eat that mint!

Oh, sh*t!

That's it, Remy!

Eat that mint!

It's too late.

I don't want your mint now.

No, no, it's not about that.

It'll reverse the curse.

It'll get us out.

Quick, man, hurry up!

Get me that mint!

C'mon!

Put the whole thing in your mouth.

Can't reach!

Eat it!

Get your lips around that mint!

I've tried my whole life!

Gulp it down!

Take all of it down your throat!

Make this sound when you do it.

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