Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker

Ladies and gentlemen...

live from the world-famous Apollo Theater...

in Harlem, New York.

Are you ready?

Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock!

What's up...

New York?

There's Brooklyn in the house.

Well, l'm from Brooklyn.

Sh*t, look at this.

White people are up top tonight.

You know, l was just in my hotel,

a little while ago, on my way here...

and l got in the elevator, right?

l'm getting in the elevator...

and these two high-school white boys

try to get on with me...

and l just dove off.

l said, ''Y'all ain't killing me!''

l am scared of young white boys.

lf you white and under 21,

l am running for the hills.

What the hell is wrong with these white kids

shooting up the school?

They don't even wait till 3:00, either.

Killing people in the morning.

That ain't right.

The Trenchcoat Mafia.

''No one will play with us.

''We have no friends.

We're the Trenchcoat Mafia.''

Hey, l saw the yearbook pictures.

lt was six of them.

l didn't have six friends in high school.

l don't got six friends now.

Sh*t, that's three-on-three with a half court.

What the hell is wrong with these kids?

l got people telling me, ''Come on, Chris.

Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.''

l'm like, ''F*** the kids!

''Do you got a vest?

Maybe l'll think about it.''

Everybody wants to know

what the kids was listening to.

What kind of music was they listening to?

Or what kind of movies was they watching?

Who gives a f*** what they was watching?

Whatever happened to crazy?

What happened to crazy?

What, you can't be crazy no more?

Did we eliminate ''crazy''

from the dictionary?

F*** the records. F*** the movies. Crazy!

When l was a kid, they used to separate

the crazy kids from everybody.

When l was a kid, the crazy kids

went to school in a little-ass bus.

They had a class at the end of the school...

and they used to get out of school at 2:30.

Just in case they went crazy...

they would only hurt other crazy kids.

And we was all safe.

We was all safe.

Damn, the world's coming to an end.

You'll have little white kids saying:

''l want to go to a black school

where it's safe.''

That's right, man.

And everybody's talking about gun control,

got to get rid of the guns.

F*** that. l like guns.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

l ain't working out. l ain't jogging.

You got pecs, l got Tecs.

F*** that sh*t.

You don't need no gun control.

You know what you need?

We need some bullet control.

Man, we need to control the bullets,

that's right.

l think all bullets should cost $5,000.

$5,000 for a bullet. You know why?

'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000,

there'd be no more innocent bystanders.

That'd be it.

Every time someone gets shot, people will

be like, ''Damn, he must have did something.

''Sh*t, they put $50,000 worth of bullets

in his ass.''

People would think before

they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000.

''Man, l would blow your f***ing head off,

if l could afford it.

''l'm gonna get me another job,

l'm gonna start saving some money...

''and you're a dead man.

''You better hope

l can't get no bullets on layaway.''

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet...

you won't have to go to no doctor

to get it taken out.

Whoever shot you

would take their bullet back.

''l believe you got my property.''

That's right, man.

See, everybody blames the kids

as f***ing crazy.

Everybody wants to be mad at the kids

for shooting up the school.

What about the parents? The parents.

The parents is really f***ed up, man.

Their damn parents need to go to jail

for some of this f***ing sh*t, man.

'Cause everybody knows

that crazy-ass kid that went to jail.

You go, ''Man, he ain't never had a chance.

''lf you'd known his mama,

you'd know he gonna be there.''

l was at the club the other night,

down at Life, chilling at the club.

l'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing.

lt was about 2:
00 a.m. l'm talking to her,

and realized she had two kids at home.

l don't mind the two kids at home,

that's all good.

But l'm like,

''What the f*** are you doing in a club...

''at 2:
00 in the f***ing morning

on a Wednesday night?

''What the f*** are you doing here?

''ls it your birthday?

''Did you get a raise?

''Well, you got to get the f*** out.

''You go. l'm kicking you the f*** out.

Yes, bye!

''Go take care of them kids

before they rob me in 10 years.''

You got to get your kid on

or your groove on.

You can't get both on at the same time.

l'm tired of this sh*t.

And a bunch of girls are like:

''You don't need no man

to help you raise no child.''

Shut the f*** up with the bullshit.

Yeah, you can do it without a man

but that don't mean it's to be done.

Sh*t, you could drive a car with your feet

if you want to.

That don't make it a good f***ing idea.

l don't give a f***.

You could be the baddest mama on earth.

l don't give a f*** how good you are.

Ain't nothing you can say more powerful

than, ''l'm gonna tell your daddy.''

Can't f*** with it.

Can't come close to,

''l'm gonna tell your daddy.''

You can have a gun at the kid's head,

''l'll blow your f***ing head off.''

-''So what?''

-''l'll tell your daddy.''

''Okay, okay.''

Can't f*** with it, man.

l'm tired of bumping into these girls

at the club...

all late on a f***ing weeknight.

l got a little cousin

who got left back in the first grade.

Left back in the first grade...

'cause his mama's out

getting the groove on.

You know how dumb you got to be...

to get left back in the first grade?

''What's four plus four?'' ''Jell-O.''

But that ain't his fault.

That's the mama's fault.

That's the mama's f***ing fault. That's right.

l'm telling my cousin,

''Tina, talk to your f***ing kid.

''Talk to him, teach him some sh*t.

''lf you said more words to him than,

'Mommy be back'...

''he might know something.''

That's right.

And it's real easy to tell

who kids are gonna be f***ed up.

lt don't take no scientist to tell

who's gonna have some f***ed-up kids.

lf the kid calls his grandmamma ''Mommy''...

and his mama ''Pam,'' he's going to jail.

You ain't saving no college money,

you saving bail money.

That money's going to Johnnie Cochran.

That's right.

lf the kid can't read, that's Mama's fault.

That is Mama's f***ing fault.

Now, if the kid can't read

'cause there ain't no lights in the house...

that's Daddy's fault.

You got this sh*t down?

See, nobody gives a f*** about Daddy.

There's some real daddies out there.

l'm not talking about the guy

that f***ed you and left.

F*** him, okay?

l'm talking about the real daddies.

There's still some motherfuckers out there

that handle their business.

Motherfuckers wanna act like brothers....

There's some brothers

that handle their business.

'Cause people don't give a f***....

Nobody gives a f*** about Daddy.

Everybody takes Daddy for granted.

Just listen to the radio.

Everything's ''Mama. Dear Mama.

Always loved my Mama.''

What's the Daddy song?

Papa was a Rollin' Stone.

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