Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker Page #2

Nobody gives a f***.

Nobody appreciates Daddy.

Now, Mama's got the roughest job.

l ain't gonna front.

But at least people appreciate Mama.

Every time Mama do something right,

Mama gets a compliment...

'cause women need to hear compliments

all the time.

Women need food, water, and compliments.

That's right.

And an occasional pair of shoes.

That's right. Women got to hear it

all the time, or they lose their minds.

And get Daddy to make sure

you thank your mama for everything.

''Tell your mama how good the food is.

Tell her how nice the house looks.

''Tell your mama how nice her hair looks.

''Did you tell your mama?

You better go in there and tell your mama.''

That's right! ''Tell your mama.''

Nobody ever tells Daddy sh*t.

l'm talking about the real daddies

that handle their f***ing business.

Nobody ever says, ''Hey, Daddy,

thanks for knocking out this rent.''

''Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water.''

''Hey, Daddy,

this is easy to read with all this light.''

Nobody gives a f*** about Daddy.

l'm talking about a daddy that handles his

business. Nobody gives a f*** about Daddy.

Think about everything

that the real daddy does:

pay the bills, buy the food,

put a f***ing roof over your head.

Everything you could ever ask for.

Make your world a better, safer place.

And what does Daddy get for all his work?

The big piece of chicken.

That's all Daddy gets...

is the big piece of chicken.

That's right. And some women don't want

to give up the big piece of chicken.

''Who the f*** is you...

''to keep the big piece of chicken?

''How dare you keep

the big piece of chicken!''

A man can't work 1 2 hours

and come home to a wing.

When l was a kid,

my mama would lose her mind...

if one of us ate the big piece of chicken

by accident.

''What the f***!

You ate the big piece of chicken?

''Oh, Lord! No, no.

''Now l got to take some chicken

and sew it up and sh*t.

''Get me two wings and a pork chop.

Daddy'll never know the difference.''

Just can't do it. Can't do it.

l don't know, man. The world's nuts.

lt's all good for Clinton.

Any time something bad happens,

it's good for Bill Clinton.

Just gets people off his ass.

''Stop thinking about me. Good.

Kids got shot. Good.

''Good. People are not thinking about me.

''Tornadoes. Good.

''People ain't thinking about me.''

Clinton damn near got impeached, for what?

For what?

Lied about a blowj*b

so his wife wouldn't find out.

ls that against the law?

Do you need the Supreme Court

for that one?

You could have took that one

to The People's Court!

Could have took that one to Judge Judy.

She'd have knocked it out in a half hour,

plus commercials.

What the f*** did Clinton do?

They was charging him with sh*t

l didn't even know was crimes.

''You got her some gifts.''

So what he got her gifts? That's his friend.

You can't buy your friend a gift?

''Tried to get her a job.''

You can't get your friend a job?

Sh*t, 80% of the people in this room

got their job...

because a friend recommended them.

lt's against the law to get your friend a job?

Sh*t, she blew him for a couple of months.

The least he could do

is give her a recommendation!

lt's the least he could do.

See, people...

everybody expects this holy behavior

'cause he's the President.

Expect him to behave this holy way.

He's just the President.

He ain't Rev. Clinton.

lt ain't Pastor Clinton.

lt ain't Maharajah Clinton.

lt is just Bill Clinton.

He's just a man. A man's gonna be a man.

A man is basically as faithful as his options.

That's how faithful a man is,

no more, no less.

You see all these

fat Republican guys going:

''l would never do such a thing.

This is a travesty.''

l'm like, ''Nobody's trying to blow you.''

Ain't no 20-year-old girls

trying to blow Orrin Hatch.

Ain't nobody trying

to give Newt Gingrich some.

l don't give a f***, you ain't never

gonna hear Newt Gingrich go:

''Man, l wish these hoes

would back up off me.

''l wish they would just

back the f*** up off me.''

Let a player play, sh*t!

That's right.

lt's damn near impossible

for a man to turn down sex.

lt's hard for a man to turn down sex.

We can stop chasing it,

and even that requires some rehab.

But it's hard for a man to stop.

lf it chase us, we can't run that fast.

lt's gonna catch us, we're like:

''Sh*t, pulled a hamstring. You got me.''

You can't run that fast.

See, it's easy for women to turn down sex.

lt ain't sh*t for y'all to turn down sex.

lt ain't no thing for y'all to turn down sex.

Y'all like, ''Why can't you turn it down?

l do it all the time.

''Why can't you say no? l say no.''

See, it's easy for y'all. You know why?

'Cause every woman in here,

ever since you were 13...

every guy you met

has been trying to f*** you.

That's right.

Women are offered dick every day.

Every woman in here...

gets offered dick at least three times a week.

Three times a day, sh*t!

That's right,

every time a man's being nice to you...

all he's doing is offering dick.

That's all it is.

''Can l get that for you?

How about some dick?''

''Could l help you with that?

Could l help you to some dick?

''Do you need some dick?''

Nobody offers us sh*t.

We got to fend for ourselves.

We can't believe it when we get an offer.

We're like, ''Damn, this is my lucky day.''

That's right, man.

See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal,

a lot of this sh*t is Hillary's fault.

That's right, l said it.

l said it. lt had to be said.

Somebody got to say it.

Everybody's like, ''Hillary's a hero.''

No, she ain't.

Aquaman's a hero.

He can talk to the fishes.

What the f*** can Hillary do?

A lot of this sh*t is Hillary's fault,

'cause, ladies, you know your man.

You know your man

better than he knows himself.

You know what kind of man you got.

You know if you got the crazy,

need-a-blowj*b-all-the-time man.

So sometimes you gotta save your man

from himself.

So you know what happens

if he don't get his medicine.

So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger.

She put the security of the free world

in jeopardy...

and she needs to suffer the consequences

for her actions.

That's right, she's the First Lady.

She's supposed to be the first one

on her knees to suck his dick!

Sh*t!

That's right. Monica Lewinsky

shouldn't have even stood a chance.

Hillary's supposed to already be down there

like, ''Hey, l got it.

''l've got it. l got the dick.

''Tickle his ass, or something.

''Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful.''

And they always been on Clinton.

Before any of this happened,

they was on Clinton.

What was they on him for?

Gays in the military.

Everybody says, ''Don't let them in.''

lf they wanna fight, let them fight,

'cause l ain't fighting.

l wouldn't give a f*** if l saw a Russian tank

rolling down Flatbush Avenue.

l ain't shooting nobody. So call me a f*ggot.

When the war is over,

l'll be the f*ggot with two legs, thank you.

You know what's f***ed up?

Everybody gets so homophobic.

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