Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker Page #3

People, we need to cut that sh*t out...

'cause everybody in this room

got at least a gay cousin.

Every last one of you got a gay cousin.

You knew he was gay when y'all was kids.

You was playing ball, he was jumping rope.

He didn't turn gay, he was gay then.

He just didn't have nobody to be gay with.

Sh*t, l got a gay uncle. Call him Aunt Tom.

Every Christmas,

he comes over with his ''friend.''

See, it don't make no sense to hate nobody.

lt don't make no sense to be a racist,

sexist, or nothing, but.... lt don't.

lt doesn't.

lt don't make no sense...

'cause whoever you hate

will end up in your family.

That's right, you don't like gays,

you're gonna have a gay son.

You don't like Puerto Ricans?

Your daughter's gonna come home with

''Livin' la vida loca!''

Don't you just love that sh*t?

That's a catchy-ass song.

You just want to jump up on sh*t.

''Livin' la vida loca!

''Come on!''

l feel that sh*t.

l'll be driving, ''Livin' la vida loca!''

l love that sh*t.

That ain't going nowhere.

That's gonna be out a long time.

That sh*t is like the Puerto Rican

Whoomp! (There It Is)!

l was talking about my gay uncle.

See, your uncles prepare you for life.

lf you got enough uncles,

they'll prepare you for life...

'cause you got every type of uncle.

You got your gay uncle,

you got your alcoholic uncle.

You got your stealing uncle.

You got your molester uncle.

Everybody's got that one molester uncle.

Your mama's like, ''Where them kids at?''

-''They're with Johnny.''

-''Get them kids!

''Hurry up, get them kids!

Don't leave them with your Uncle Johnny!''

Later on, you get molested,

your mama get mad at you.

''That's what you get.

''Hanging around f***ing Johnny.

l told you about that sh*t!

''Now walk it off!''

That's your family.

l don't know. Let's talk about Clinton.

One thing Clinton did l didn't like,

raise taxes. Taxes all high and sh*t.

You know what's f***ed-up about taxes?

You don't even pay taxes. They take tax.

You get your check, money gone.

That ain't a payment, that's a jack.

Got all these taxes:

city tax, state tax, Social Security tax.

You don't get the money until you're 65.

Meanwhile, the average black man

dies at 54.

Sh*t, we should get Social Security at 29!

What the f***, man? We don't live that long.

Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD,

something will get you.

What the f*** is up with the police?

My God!

l am scared. l didn't get rid of no guns.

F*** that sh*t.

And l had a cop pull me over the other day,

scared me so bad...

made me think l stole my own car.

''Get out the car, get out the f***ing car!

You stole this car!''

l'm like, ''Damn, maybe l did.

''Oh, Lord, l done stole a car.''

You know what's worse than taxes?

What's worse than tax is insurance.

You got to have some insurance.

They shouldn't even call it insurance.

They just should call it ''in case sh*t.''

l give a company some money

in case sh*t happens.

Now, if sh*t don't happen,

shouldn't l get my money back?

That's right, man, you better have

some medical insurance, or you gonna die.

That's right, everybody.

You got to eat right and exercise.

No, you don't, you need some coverage.

Coverage will save your life.

That's right, we all gonna die,

but at least if you got some coverage...

you will die on a mattress.

That's right. When l was a kid,

we didn't have no insurance.

We didn't have a damn thing.

You had to be damn near dead

to see the doctor.

You had to be way past Robitussin.

That's all we had

when l was a kid: Robitussin.

No matter what you got,

Robitussin better handle it.

-''Daddy, l got asthma.''

-''Robitussin.''

-''l got cancer.''

-''Robitussin.''

l broke my leg,

Daddy poured Robitussin on it.

''Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there.

''Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin

get on down to the bone.

''The 'tussin ought to straighten out

the bone. lt's good.

''lf you run out of 'tussin, put some water

in the jar, shake it up, more 'tussin.

''More 'tussin!''

Y'all like doctors 'cause they don't cure sh*t.

They don't cure nothing.

Same diseases been hanging out

since l was a kid, man.

What's the last sh*t a doctor cured? Polio.

You know how long ago polio was?

That's like the first season of Lucy.

Sh*t, Fred had an Afro with finger waves!

Have you ever met anybody with polio?

Anybody feel a little 'poly around you?

No. That's right, they don't cure sh*t.

The same diseases been hanging out

since l was a kid:

AlDS, sickle cell, tuberculosis, cancer,

Jerry's kids still limping around.

l've been watching

the Jerry Lewis Telethon...

for probably about 15 or 16 years now.

Not one stitch of progress whatsoever.

Come on, man. Lie to me, Jerry!

What the f*** you doing, Jerry?

Put a stick in the kid's back,

prop him up or some sh*t!

Come on, call Steven Spielberg.

Get some special effects on this sh*t!

Get George Lucas on the case!

CGl, motherf***er!

What the f***!

Tie some string around him,

make a cripple puppet or some sh*t.

Lie to me!

Where the f***'s the money going?

What, to keep Jerry's hair black?

Where's the money going? Think about it.

Frank Sinatra:
dead. Dean Martin: dead.

Sammy Davis:
dead.

Jerry Lewis got a full head of black hair.

And if you ain't gonna cure the disease,

cut the kids a check!

That's right, you know the little boy who's

getting ready to die? Get him a table dance.

Get him a table dance, for Christ's sake!

l'm sure the Make-A-Wish people

hear that request every now and then.

Get the boy a table dance.

''What do you want, Jimmy? You're dying.

Wanna meet Jim Carrey?''

''No, l want some big titties in my face.

''lt's my last wish, come on.''

That's right, man.

That's right, we got AlDS out there.

You think they're gonna cure AlDS?

No, they can't even cure athlete's foot.

They ain't curing AlDS.

Sh*t, they ain't never curing AlDS.

Don't even think about that sh*t.

They ain't curing it,

'cause there ain't no money in the cure.

The money's in the medicine.

That's how you get paid, on the comeback.

That's how a drug dealer makes his money,

on the comeback.

That's all the government is:

a bunch of motherfucking drug dealers,

on the comeback.

They ain't curing no AlDS.

That's all it is.

You think they're gonna cure AlDS?

They're still mad at all the money

they lost on polio!

Curing AlDS? Sh*t, that's like Cadillac

making a car that lasts for 50 years.

And you know they can do it...

but they ain't gonna do nothing

that f***ing dumb.

Sh*t, they got metal on the space shuttle

that can go around the moon...

and withstand temperatures

of up to 20,000 degrees.

You mean to tell me you don't think

they can make an Eldorado...

where the f***ing bumper don't fall off?

They can, but they won't.

So what they will do with AlDS is the

same thing they do with everything else.

They will figure out a way

for you to live with it.

They don't cure sh*t, they just patch it up.

Get you to the next stop,

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