Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker Page #4

so they can get more of your money.

They ain't gonna cure it.

Hopefully, in our lifetime,

you're gonna see somebody go:

''Yo, man, you weren't at work yesterday.

What's up?''

''My AlDS is acting up.

''You know, when the weather get like this,

my AlDS just pop up.

''But l took some Robitussin. l'm fine now!''

That's right, man. AlDS is scary, man.

l took my AlDS test, passed it, got 65.

You know what's scary about the AlDS test?

What's scary is

you don't get the results back for five days.

Five days, that's a long time.

And you know what happens

in those five days? You start reflecting.

You start thinking about

every nasty, skank-ass...

questionable piece of sex you ever had...

and everybody got a few.

And you're like,

''God, what the f*** was l thinking?

''1993. She didn't even have teeth!

''Oh, God!

''What the f*** was on my mind?''

lt's like the movie Scrooge,

and the Ghost of P*ssy Past comes.

''Remember me?

l'm ltchy, the stripper from Miami.''

You know what else happens

after you take an AlDS test?

You start calling up people

to see if they're alive.

-''Hello, can l speak to Lisa?''

-''This is Lisa.''

-''Hello, can l speak to Tammy?''

-''Tammy dead.''

''What happened?''

''She got hit by a bus.''

''Thank the Lord! Yes!

''Go Greyhound!

''Yeah, she got hit by a bus!''

''Livin' la vida loca!''

At least they're still working on AlDS.

At least they're trying to get rid of AlDS.

Some diseases, they just gave up on.

There's some diseases,

if you get them, you on your own.

They ain't gonna have no telethon for you...

R. Kelly ain't singing no song.

You just got this sh*t, that's right.

You get paralyzed,

they don't got sh*t for you.

Look at Christopher Reeve, paralyzed.

Superman can't walk.

What kind of sorry-ass sh*t is that?

Superman can't walk.

What's next? What the f***!

Aquaman gonna drown in the tub?

What the f*** kind of injustice is this?

Superman can't walk.

The Hulk gonna get the gout?

What the f***!

Superman can't walk.

Now you go tell a doctor you paralyzed,

they don't got sh*t for you.

''Doc, l'm paralyzed. What you got?''

''Why don't you take this chair

and roll your ass around town?''

''ls that all the f*** you got

is a goddamn chair?

''Where do l take this prescription,

to a furniture store, motherf***er?

''l gotta go to lKEA?

What the f*** is this sh*t?

''l said l can't walk. l didn't say l can't sit!''

That's right. And if you go blind,

they don't got sh*t for you.

Look at Stevie Wonder,

been blind for 40-something years...

got all the money in the world.

Don't know if he got hundreds or ones!

lt's just a stack to Stevie.

They don't got.... Stevie can't see sh*t.

Can't see the day, the night, the shadow,

the shade, can't even get a peek!

Just a peek. Can we help Stevie get a peek?

Get a f***ing peek!

The man wrote Songs in the Key of Life,

Talking Book, Innervisions.

Can we get this brother a peek?

Just a f***ing peek!

ls that asking for too much?

Just a.... That's it.

You tell the doctor you're blind,

he don't got sh*t for you.

''Doc, l'm blind. What you got?''

''Why don't you take this dog and have

the dog drag your blind ass around town?''

''That's all the f*** you got, is a damn dog?

Man, if l could see, l would whup your ass!

''A f***ing dog!

What the f*** is wrong with you?

''Come on, give me a midget or something!''

That's right,

blind people should get midgets.

All blind people should get midgets.

lt's hard enough living life

when you're blind.

Now they gotta learn how to talk dog.

What kind of sh*t is that? You can't see,

so you can't read the dog's lips.

You just listen.

''What, my shoelace untied? What?''

''ls it cold outside? What?''

''ls somebody at the door?

What, motherf***er?''

Just give blind people midgets.

And if you're a midget,

it's already hard enough to get a job.

Just have the midget tell the blind man

where to go. Be a seeing-eye man.

Just walk in front of the blind man like,

''Yo, man, you gotta make a left.

''Just make a left, brother.''

Racism everywhere, everybody pissed off.

Black people yelling, ''Racism.''

White people yelling, ''Reverse racism.''

Chinese people yelling, ''Sideways racism!''

And the lndians ain't yelling sh*t

'cause they dead.

So everybody b*tch about

how bad their people got it.

Nobody got it worse

than the American lndian.

Everybody need to calm the f*** down.

lndians got it bad. lndians got it the worst.

You know how bad the lndians got it?

When's the last time you met two lndians?

You ain't never met two lndians.

Sh*t, l have seen a polar bear

ride a f***ing tricycle in my lifetime.

l have never seen an lndian family

that's chilling out at Red Lobster.

Never seen it.

Everybody wanna save the environment.

Sh*t, l see trees every f***ing day!

l don't never see no lndians.

l went to the

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year.

They didn't have enough lndians

for that sh*t.

They had a bunch of Pilgrims.

When it came time for the lndians,

they had three real lndians...

and the rest was a bunch of Puerto Ricans

with feathers in their hair.

What the f***!

Sh*t, l know Puerto Ricans when l see them.

You can't slip a Puerto Rican by me.

That's not Pocahontas,

that's Jennifer Lopez!

Racism everywhere.

Who's the maddest people? White people.

Not y'all. Y'all all right.

You paid money to see me, we cool.

The feud is over.

No, you watch the TV, watch 60 Minutes.

You see white people pissed off, man.

Man, the white man thinks

he's losing the country.

You watch the news: ''We're losing

everything. We're f***ing losing.

''Affirmative action, and illegal aliens...

''and we're f***ing losing the country.''

Losing? Shut the f*** up.

White people ain't losing sh*t.

lf y'all losing, who's winning?

lt ain't us.

lt ain't us.

Have you driven around this motherf***er?

lt ain't us.

Sh*t, there ain't a white man in this room

that would change places with me.

None of you would change places with me.

And l'm rich!

That's how good it is to be white.

There's a white, one-legged busboy

in here right now...

that won't change places with my black ass.

He's going, ''No, man, l don't wanna switch.

l wanna ride this white thing out.

''See where it takes me.''

That's right,

'cause when you white, the sky's the limit.

When you black, the limit's the sky!

That's right, man.

Now, when it comes to racism...

do you know who the most racist people

are for real, the real most racist people?

Old black men.

You find a brother over 60.... l know

you white people know an old black man.

You go, ''Willie at the job, he's so nice.''

Willie hates your guts.

There's nothing more racist

than an old black man. You know why?

'Cause an old black man

went through some real racism.

He didn't go through that

l-can't-get-a-cab sh*t.

He was the cab.

A white man just jump on his back,

''Main Street.

''Left, n*gger!

''Left, you f***ing n*gger!''

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