Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker Page #5

You know what's wild

about the old black men?

An old black man,

he ain't gonna let you f*** up his money.

Whenever an old black man

sees an old white man...

the old black man always

kisses the old white man's ass.

''How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you.

Whatever l can get you, you let me know.''

As soon as the white man get out of sight,

he's like:

''Cracker-ass cracker!

''l'll put my foot in the crack of your ass,

cracker-ass cracker!

''l wish that cracker would've said some sh*t

to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker!

''Cracker, kiss my ass, you f***ing cracker!''

The white man come back. ''Howdy, sir?''

l got an uncle real crazy.

My uncle B., 55 years old, hates

the white people, married to a white lady.

And he sits around going,

''These crackers ain't sh*t, except for Susie.''

He tried to explain

the whole thing to me one day.

He said, ''Yeah, l got a white wife. l love her,

she love me. That's all that matters.

''But l'll tell you this:

if the revolution ever come, l'll kill her first...

''just to show these crackers

l mean business!

''Motherf***er, cracker-ass, motherf***er

cracker! Sh*t, cracker, motherf***er!

''Hi, honey.

''Motherf***er cracker.

l'll kill my cracker kids, too!''

That's right, man. l don't know, black....

What do we need, y'all?

l think we need a new leader.

We ain't had a black leader in a while.

ln a long time.

Somebody that moves you.

You know, we had Martin Luther King,

Malcolm X...

and ever since then,

a bunch of substitute teachers.

We ain't had the real thing.

l want a motherf***er to move me.

Who we got? Let me break everybody down.

We got Al Sharpton, all right.

Al Sharpton's all right.

He ain't Malcolm or Martin...

but if you get your ass whupped

by the cops, he's the guy to call.

Of course, Al kind of looks like

Bookman from Good Times...

but don't let that f*** you up.

Who else we got? Jesse Jackson.

Jesse's all right.

Jesse went over there,

Jesse got them hostages.

l don't know how the hell he did that sh*t.

He went over there with no money,

no sweet potato pie.

What the f*** did Jesse say?

Jesse must've been, like:

''Do you want the United States

to really be mad at you?

''Give the hostages to me.''

That's what he said, you know.

What else we got? Farrakhan?

Farrakhan got everybody together

for the Million Man March and everything.

But Farrakhan don't like the Jews,

which is bugged.

l get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue.

l never been in a barbershop...

and heard a bunch of brothers

talking about Jews.

Black people don't hate Jews.

Black people hate white people!

We don't got time

to dice white people up into little groups.

''l hate everybody!

l don't care if you just got here.''

-''Hey, l'm Romanian.''

-''You Romanian cracker!''

We need a f***ing leader, man.

When we got no leaders,

when something happens...

we make the sh*t bigger than it is.

lt's big, but don't make it bigger than it is.

l'm watching the news, and like,

''Tupac Shakur was assassinated.

''Biggie Smalls, assassinated.

Struck down by assassin's bullets.''

l'm like, ''No, they wasn't!''

Martin Luther King was assassinated.

Malcolm X was assassinated.

John F. Kennedy was assassinated.

Them two n*ggers got shot.

Sh*t, l love Tupac, l love Biggie,

but school will be open on their birthday.

l don't think you'll see their pictures

hanging up...

in your grandmamma's living room.

''That's Abraham, Martin, and Pac.

''And right here, l got one

of Jesus and Biggie on the seesaw.

''Jesus always in the air.''

We need a leader. You know who l think

the black leader should be?

-Who l think the black leader should be?

-Who?

Pat Riley.

Coach Pat Riley.

No man has led more black men

to the promised land...

than Coach Pat Riley.

He may not get us to the mountaintop,

but he'll get us to the playoffs.

And that's all we want.

We got a lot of women here tonight.

Love the women.

You know who my favorite women are?

Big, fat, black women.

Give me a sister about 350 pounds.

The best people in the whole world.

You know why?

'Cause we live in a society

where nobody likes who the f*** they are.

Everybody's on Prozac, or some sh*t.

Everybody's getting cosmetic surgery.

Nobody likes who the f*** they are

except fat, black women.

Fat, black women

don't give a f*** what you think.

She's going out on Friday night.

She got an outfit on. That sh*t match.

She got the pumps on,

and the pump fat coming out the pump.

That's right. lt looks like

they baking bread in her shoe.

''Baby, your foot ready yet?

l'll just sprinkle some cinnamon on it.''

That's right. She got an anklet on,

and that anklet's holding on for dear life.

Black women don't give a f***.

She's like, ''l'm sexy.

''l am sexy, yes, l am!

''l am the sexiest motherf***er here tonight!

''Yeah, l got a gut.

There's some good p*ssy under this gut!''

That's right. You want some of this

so you can ''livin' la vida loca!''

Love the women, man. Women, women.

What the f*** do y'all want?

Do you know what you want?

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things

that life is showing you?

Do you know?

What the f*** do women want?

l know what you want: everything.

That's every woman's answer: ''Everything.''

Women want every f***ing thing.

Women act like

life was just a big sale, or sh*t.

''l want to get the most sh*t

before things close down.''

That's what f***ing life is

to a woman:
everything.

You know what men want?

Food, sex, silence. That's it.

Food, sex, silence.

''Feed me, f*** me, shut the f*** up!''

Our goals seem very attainable, don't they?

Women, it's hard to figure women out.

lt's hard being a guy.

We always think we can buy sex.

''lf l take her here, she'll give me some.

lf l buy her this, she'll give me some.''

Nothing get you nothing.

A woman knows if she's gonna f*** you

within the first five minutes of meeting you.

Women know right away.

They're shaking hands like,

''l'm gonna f*** him.

''l hope he don't say nothing too stupid.''

That's right, fellas,

don't say nothing too stupid...

because women are all about the mood.

lf she's in the mood to f*** you,

shut up and let it happen.

'Cause if you say the wrong thing,

them panties are coming up mighty fast.

''What'd you say?''

She be on the phone with a girlfriend,

''Yeah, l was gonna give him some...

''but he just started talking.

''l hate a yakking man, child.''

That's right, man. Relationships:

easy to get into, hard to maintain.

Why are they so hard to maintain?

Because it's hard to keep up the lie.

'Cause you can't get nobody being you.

You got to lie to get somebody.

You can't get nobody looking like you look,

acting like you act...

sounding like you sound.

When you meet somebody for the first time,

you're not meeting them.

You're meeting their representative.

That's right.

Who are the biggest liars, men or women?

-Men!

-Women!

Men lie the most,

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