Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker Page #6

women tell the biggest lies.

Men, we lie all the time.

We lie so much, it's damn near a language.

lt's like, to call a man out for lying...

is like playing basketball with a retarded kid

and calling him for double dribble.

You gotta let some sh*t slide.

Men, we lie all the time.

You know what a man's lie is like?

A man's lie is like, ''l was at Tony's house.

''l'm at Kenny's house.'' That's a man's lie.

A women's lie is like, ''lt's your baby.''

We've all heard that one.

-''lt don't even look like me.''

-''He's got your hat.''

That's right. Who the biggest liars?

Women the biggest liars.

Look at you, all of you.

You're a f***ing liar. You!

You're a liar!

You're all liars. All of you are f***ing liars!

Masters of the lie, the visual lie.

Look at you.

You got on heels, you ain't that tall.

You got on makeup,

your face don't look like that.

You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.

You got a Wonderbra on,

your titties ain't that big.

Everything about you is a lie,

and you expect me to tell the truth?

F*** you!

Men lie, we live lies. That's why we so crazy.

Every now and then,

we catch ourselves living a lie.

We create a whole lie-world around us.

For instance, every man in this room

is hiding some porno in his house.

Every man in here

got a pornography stash in the crib.

That's right.

Not an illegal amount,

just enough to get you by.

Thank you.

And when we hide porno, we go all out.

lt ain't behind the refrigerator

or under the bed.

No, we become Batman

when it's time to hide some porno.

That's right, you hit the light switch,

the whole bookshelf shifts to the side.

You go down two flights of stairs

into your porno cellar.

Janet Jackme, Kobe Tai,

Jenna Jameson, that's right.

But women always find the porno.

But they don't find it

in the porno hiding place. Oh, no.

Where do women find the porno at?

ln the VCR.

And fellas are like, ''Damn, how can l be

so dumb to leave it in the VCR?''

l'll tell you why.

'Cause when you're jerking off,

you ain't in your right state of mind.

Your brain's all cloudy and foggy.

l'll tell you exactly what happened.

One day, your woman left early.

You had the whole house to yourself.

So you said,

''Let me get a little jerk before work.''

So you in the house, getting your jerk on.

Nice good jerk, too.

You know,

that ain't-nobody-in-the-house jerk.

That's a good jerk. lt ain't like that

somebody-in-the-next-room jerk.

That's a bad jerk. That's like, ''Who's that?''

l don't like that jerk.

l'm talking about the good jerk,

that nobody-ain't-home jerk.

So you get the Vaseline ready...

and you just look at your dick and go:

''Scream if you want to.

No one's gonna hear.''

And right then,

your relationship's in trouble. That's right.

'Cause if you can't share what you're like,

you'll have problems.

When you love somebody,

you got to love everything about them.

You got to love the crust of a motherf***er.

You can't just love

the white part of the bread.

You gotta love the crust, the crumbs,

the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster.

That's what the real motherf***er is.

Whatever you into, your woman

gotta be into, too, and vice versa...

or the sh*t ain't gonna work.

lt ain't gonna work.

That's right. lf you born-again,

your woman gotta be born-again, too.

lf you a crackhead,

your woman gotta be a crackhead, too...

or the sh*t won't work.

You can't be like, ''l'm going to church,

where you going?'' ''Hit the pipe!''

That relationship ain't going nowhere.

Two crackheads can stay together forever.

That's right, what's gonna happen?

They're gonna stop f***ing, that's right.

They'll stop talking, stop f***ing.

You ever been in bed with your woman,

both talking dirty, and you go too far?

You ever say some sh*t

that gets you kicked out of bed?

And the woman's like, ''F*** me, harder!

F*** me, Daddy, spank me!''

-''All right, you ho.''

-''Who you calling a ho?

''Who the f*** are you calling a ho?

''Untie me!''

l ain't no expert or no sh*t, but, fellas,

if you're gonna talk dirty to your woman...

you got to talk with authority.

You can get a woman to do

any nasty little thing you want.

You say that sh*t like a man,

make a little eye contact...

put a little bass in your voice,

she will do that sh*t.

She wants to do that sh*t.

She's dying to do that sh*t.

Your woman is nastier

than you ever imagined.

But you gotta come correct...

because anything you mumble

ain't getting done.

You can't be in bed all unsure, like,

''Excuse me....

''Excuse me, l was wondering....

''Ma'am, l have a request.

Could you lick my balls?''

''l ain't licking nothing.

Lick your own balls!''

See, if you just said it right,

you'd been in there.

Now you got dry balls.

That's right, confidence always wins.

Do you realize, it is 1999,

some women still don't give head?

Ninety-f***ing-nine.

Whenever l meet a girl

that doesn't give head...

l look at them like a damn Betamax,

''They still make you?''

And when it comes to head,

there's three types of women:

A:
Women that don't give head.

Bye, leave, see you.

B:
Women that give you just enough head

to shut you up.

You ever meet them women?

They're like, ''You okay?''

l hate them women!

And number three, my favorite woman:

the woman that likes nothing better

than to suck a dick.

That's right, God bless all of you!

That's right, you make the world

a better place to live in.

l want you to suck my dick

like you think the antidote's in it!

Like you trying to get some Robitussin

out of that motherf***er!

That's right. Relationships:

easy to get into, hard to maintain.

Why are they so hard to maintain?

'Cause at some point you just stop talking.

That's right,

everybody stops talking after a while.

You know how it is.

You come home and you start nodding.

''Yeah, we cool.

''l'm gonna get a little something to eat.''

Why do you stop talking?

'Cause at some point, you have heard

everything this person has to say...

and it makes you sick to your stomach.

You know what they're gonna say

before it even comes out their mouth...

and you just wanna stab them in the neck

with a pencil!

Your can't take the sh*t no more!

And they're like, ''Remember that time?''

''Yeah, l remember that time!''

-''l ever tell you about--''

-''Yeah, you told me about that time!

''Stop telling me the same sh*t

over and over again!

''Why don't you go out and get kidnapped,

have some new sh*t happen to you?''

That's right. Fellas, you gotta talk.

That's women's biggest complaint:

''You don't talk.

''You need to talk, let's talk. You don't talk.''

That's right. Women love to talk.

lf they had talking in the Olympics,

a man wouldn't stand a chance.

Women love to talk,

but they wanna talk to you.

They wanna talk to their man.

But women don't want you to talk-talk.

Women just want you to listen-listen.

All a woman really wants you to do

is ask her the correct questions...

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