Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #2

But Flavor Flav must be killed.

In order for black people

to truly reach the promised land,

Flavor Flav has to be shot.

These are important times.

We got a black man running for president.

We don't need a n*gger with a f***ing clock

around his neck and a Viking hat on his head.

Not this year, Flavor.

Put a suit on, n*gger.

Put a suit on!

Not this year, Flav.

Not this year.

No, no, no. But we're very...

We're very, very, very excited, man.

I'll tell you this right now,

white people that are here.

If Barack Obama wins,

if you have any activity in your life

that involves black people

that is supposed to happen

the day after election day,

it will not get done.

Election day's a Tuesday.

That Wednesday,

don't schedule no black sh*t.

Like, if you gotta fly,

ain't nobody carrying your bags.

You got to get your own

motherfuckin' bag.

We got a black president,

motherf***er.

Sh*t.

It's going to be hard for Barack Obama

to be president, man.

Cos Barack Obama has to

overcome a handicap

that the other candidate

does not have to overcome.

That's right. It's gonna be hard

for Barack Obama to be president

because Barack Obama

has a black wife.

And I don't think a black woman

can be first lady of the United States.

Yeah, I said it.

I said it in Johannesburg,

I said it.

I said it in London, England,

I said that sh*t.

I said it at the Apollo Theater,

I said that sh*t.

I don't believe a black woman

can be first lady.

You know why? Cos a black woman cannot

play the background of a relationship.

Don't get me wrong - a black woman

could be president with no problem.

First lady? Too much shutting up in that job.

Can you imagine telling your black wife

that you president?

"Honey, I won. I'm president."

"No! We president.

"And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet.

"I want Kiki to be Secretary of Defense.

"She can fight. She can fight."

No, no, you can't have

no black first lady.

That's too much work

for the secret service.

"We can't let her through, sir.

We can't let her through."

"It's my f***ing wife, man.

She's gonna kill you!"

No, no, no.

That's right. Barack Obama

really want to be the president,

he got to get him a white girl.

Yeah, I said it.

Why? Cos a white girl

will play her position.

The black girl wanna play your position.

You under the quarterback going, "Hike, hike!"

She right next to you,

"Hike, hike!"

"We can't both hike."

"I don't give a f***."

That's right. You get you a white girl,

she do exactly what you need her to do.

"I need you to run left, slant right."

"OK, Daddy, I got ya."

And you win.

Whoo, black women get mad

when I say that sh*t, boy.

"Oh, you need a white girl?

You think you need a white girl?

"F*** you, motherf***er.

"You think you need a white girl?

"As soon as you all get a little money,

you want a white girl.

"Soon as you get a little money,

you want a white girl."

"Actually, before we get money."

Oh!

Oh, don't worry. I'm a bring it back.

Black women get pissed off

at some interracial dating, boy.

Black women get mad as a motherf***er.

Black women get angrier

than southern white men.

They get pissed the f*** off.

Especially if they see, like,

a white girl with a famous black man.

Ooh! They get f***in' mad.

They see, like, a white girl with Denzel

Washington, they f***ing start shaking.

They ready to punch

that white girl in the face.

"What the f*** you doing with Denzel?

"Trying to take our good black men.

"We only got eight."

That's right.

Black women get mad.

They get mad at us,

the black man. They get mad!

They get mad at us

cos we like to exercise our variety.

That's right, that's right.

Black men like to exercise their variety.

When the black man

is looking for a mate,

we check out

the whole menu of women.

We're like, "Uh, you got any specials?"

Sisters get mad. Sisters will get in your face,

like, "You don't like your mother."

They get all up in your grill.

That's right. But they act like

they mad at the black man.

But no!

They're not mad at us.

They're mad at themselves.

That's right, yeah. I said it, I said it.

Yeah, I'm looking right at ya!

I said it. You are mad at yourself.

Cos I'm a tell you the real reason black

women get so mad at interracial dating.

Oh, I'm a break it the f*** down tonight.

The real reason black women get so mad

at interracial dating -

it ain't all black women,

but it's most black women -

the real reason black women

get so angry

at interracial dating is cos black women

are not attracted to white men.

Don't get me wrong.

They'll f*** a pretty white boy.

They'll f*** Matthew McConaughey

or George Clooney, Brad Pitt,

they'll give Beckham some p*ssy, yes.

But black men, our standards ain't that high.

We'll f*** any white girl.

A matter of fact, the bigger, the better.

It's just more white to love.

There's white women in this room right now,

don't even have scales in their house.

They know they gaining weight when

too many black guys start hitting on 'em.

"It's like these black guys

are all over me.

"I gotta work out."

That's right. Black men

love a big white woman.

Sh*t, a black man will

drop-kick Keira Knightley

to get to Rosie O'Donnell.

Boy, we will tear that Rosie p*ssy up, boy.

Sh*t, move that gut to the side,

there's some good p*ssy under there.

We don't give a f***!

We'll f*** the whole View,

Rosie, Barbara Walters,

Joy Behar, it'd be "the view

from the back of that ass."

Sh*t, we'll f*** Rachael Ray,

right after that sh*t.

F***ing Rachael Ray

with her plump ass and sh*t.

I'll f*** her right in

the arm fat, right here.

Right in this motherf***er.

Right in this motherf***er.

"Whose arm is this?"

Just need a crease.

That's all a n*gger needs is a crease.

Just a crease, n*gger.

That's a crease.

I'll f*** her in the arm fat and have her make

me some biscuits when that sh*t's all over.

That's right, man. That's right.

And that's what makes black women so mad.

Cos they know Rosie O'Donnell

could walk into any black club

in Harlem tonight

and get her a black man.

She don't even like men...

but she can get her a black man.

And it don't work

the other way around.

There ain't a bunch of black women out there

trying to f*** George from Seinfeld.

That's right. You see a black woman

with an overweight white man,

that means her credit is f***ed up.

Like, she's in financial straits.

"Girl, what you doing with him?"

"They was gonna take my car."

Yes, yes, yes, man.

Yes, yes, yes, man.

I don't know, man.

Let's go back to the election

for a second, man.

It don't matter who wins

this election right now.

It don't matter Barack or McCain, it don't

matter right now cos Bush is still in charge.

George Bush is still in charge.

And nobody gives less of a f***

than George Bush.

You think you don't give a f***?

Bush don't give a f***. Nobody gives

less of a f*** than George Bush.

If you was hanging from a cliff,

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