Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #3

getting ready to fall to your death,

that's right, and Bush

was at the top of the cliff,

and all you needed was

a f*** to save your life,

and Bush had a pocket full of fucks,

he wouldn't give you one.

"Bush, I need a f***!"

"Oh, you know I don't give a f***.

"Here's a f***. Psych!"

Bush is unbelievable, man.

This guy's unbe-f***ing-lievable.

Just the things that have gone down

since he's been the president...

It's unprecedented how bad this guy is, OK?

He ain't the worst president of the US,

he's the worst president of presidents.

He's the worst PTA president,

president of the block association,

president of major league baseball,

World Wide Wrestling Federation...

The worst president ever!

This motherf***er.

Just the sh*t that has gone down since

he's been president is unbelievable, man.

Unbe-f***ing-lievable.

The mortgage crisis going on right now,

people losing their houses.

One month your mortgage is 900,

the next month it's 9,000.

You got to look outside

to see if you moved.

"Sh*t, this can't be the same neighbourhood."

F***ing gas is through the roof.

Gas is so expensive right now,

soon they're going to

start selling gas in bars.

It's gonna be like, "I want to send half a

tank to the little lady over there in the red."

I think pretty soon

people are gonna be f***ing for gas.

I think people are already f***ing for gas.

Some of y'all in here tonight

are f***ing for gas.

Like, "Girl, why you with him?"

"He filled up my tank."

Ladies, if a man fills up your tank,

you gotta f*** him.

A quarter of a tank?

Handjob.

You gotta get to work, right?

You gotta get to work.

Gas is so f***ing expensive.

I don't even get it.

So let me get this straight.

We invade a country with oil...

With oil, but gas costs more?

That don't make no f***ing sense.

Now I didn't go to

no fancy school or nothing,

but I tell you this right now,

if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken,

wings will be cheap at my house.

Yeah.

Like, gas is so expensive now,

whenever I fill up my tank,

I just whip out my dick and jerk off

right at the gas station.

That's what I do, if I fill it up,

I jerk it off.

You know why? Cos when

I spend that type of money,

I'm used to coming.

You ought to try it.

Next time you're running low,

you'll get happy.

"Holy sh*t, I'm almost out of gas. Good!"

That's right, man.

Sh*t, f***ing gas is through the roof.

This sh*t is no joke, man.

And you know,

they're just trying to get you, man.

And they keep saying,

"Is America ready for a black president?

"Is America ready for a black..."

I hope Barack wins, man. I hope he wins.

I really do.

I hope he wins.

I hope he wins, just so as a black parent,

I could stop giving that "You could do

whatever you want to, baby" speech.

That my kids could

just go out and sh*t.

I don't have to say it

every time they walk out the house,

"No matter what they say,

you could be whatever you want to be."

Cos white parents

don't have to say that sh*t.

Cos it's obvious, that's why.

You try to say that sh*t to a white kid,

they go, "Yeah, I know. I know.

"I know, I can be anything.

I know, I know.

"I know, if I work hard, I can be anything.

Yeah, I know.

"You know what? Even if I don't

work hard, I can be anything."

Tired of that sh*t, man.

But they keep saying the same thing,

"Is America ready for a black president?

"Is America ready for a black president?"

Well, we should be.

We just had a retarded one.

America, man. Crazy.

So much going on right now.

And race is the big issue,

the biggest issue in the world right now.

Race. It's a big thing, man.

Racism all over the world.

It will never die,

it will never die.

It will only multiply, baby.

Racism all over the world.

Even in my life, there's some racism.

People go, "Really?"

Yeah, yeah. Yes, in my life.

I will give you an example of

how race affects my life, OK?

I live in a place

called Alpine, New Jersey.

I live in Alpine, New Jersey, right?

My house costs millions of dollars.

Don't hate the player,

hate the game.

In my neighbourhood,

there are four black people.

Hundreds of houses, four black people.

Who are these black people?

Well, there's me, Mary J Blige,

Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy.

Only black people

in the whole neighbourhood.

So let's break it down.

Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm all right.

Mary J Blige...

Mary J Blige, one of the greatest

R&B singers to ever walk the earth,

Jay-Z, one of the greatest

rappers to ever live,

Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors

to ever, ever do it.

Do you know what the white man that

lives next door to me does for a living?

He's a f***ing dentist.

He ain't the best dentist in the world.

He ain't going to the dental hall of fame.

He don't get plaques for

getting rid of plaque.

He's just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist.

See, the black man gotta fly

to get something that

the white man could walk to.

That's right, baby.

Sh*t, I had to make miracles happen

to get that house.

I had to host the Oscars to get that house.

And to this day,

I don't even believe it's my house.

That's why I keep a bag

packed right by the door...

just in case the white people

that really own the place show up one day.

"Time to go, blackie."

"Damn, I knew this day would come.

"Good thing I'm packed."

Do you know what a black dentist would

have to do to move into my neighbourhood?

He'd have to invent teeth.

Racism, man. Racism out there, man.

Only thing that makes me more angry

than racism,

only one thing makes me more angry

than racism,

is black people that are shocked at racism.

Cos whenever something racist goes down,

they always manage to find

one black person that can't believe it.

"I can't believe Imus would say that."

I'm like, "Where the f*** you from?"

There's nothing a white person

could ever say to me

that will ever catch me off guard.

Ever. I'm always looking for some racism,

no matter where the f*** I'm at.

I'm like, "Where the racism at?

Where it at? Where it at?"

No matter where I'm at.

I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin,

doing an interview,

talking about Madagascar 2.

Say, "Yeah, Regis,

Madagascar 2 is real good, man.

"I play a zebra again.

This motherf***er's great."

And in the middle of the interview,

Regis will pull a pencil out of his pocket,

stab me in the neck, say,

"Take that, you f***ing n*gger!

"Take that you dirty, greasy n*gger!

"Take that,

you f***ing n*gger!"

And I'll be like,

"I should have seen it coming.

"I let Regis get too close."

I'll be mad at me. I'll apologise.

"Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man.

"I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry."

Yeah, man. Race, man. Big, man.

We live in a crazy time, man.

We live in an insane time, man.

We live in a time where

if you say the wrong thing, you in trouble.

This is the first time in

the history of the world

where white men actually have to watch

what they say.

White men are getting in trouble

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