Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #8

ever dated a guy with his own apartment?

You got in there, you were comfortable,

you were like,

"I could really enjoy getting f***ed in here.

"I can scream and holler and break sh*t,

"yell instructions.

"I will never f*** in

nobody's mama's house again."

And you never did.

You never f***ing did.

Ladies, remember the first time

you ever had a man take you on vacation?

Say, "Whoo! This is great."

And from that moment on, every man

you dated had to take you somewhere.

You let 'em know as soon as you met 'em,

"Hey, this is passport p*ssy.

"If you think you can handle this p*ssy in one

time zone, you are out of your f***ing mind."

And women love to tell you how much better

the p*ssy gonna get

when you get to the destination.

"You ain't got nothing yet.

Wait till we get to Jamaica."

You get to Jamaica, it's the same p*ssy

you had in Johannesburg,

in London, in Brooklyn.

Only difference is

now it's got a little bit of sand in it.

And the crazy thing, the crazy thing,

women love to tell you...

Women got their own money now.

Women have their own f***ing money now.

And women are like, "Hey..."

Women are like, "Hey,

if you don't take me on a nice vacation,

"I'm a find me a cute guy

and I'm a pay for sh*t."

But that only lasts for like 30 days.

Cos women don't like paying for sh*t.

That's right - p*ssy costs money, dick is free.

Any money you spend on dick

is a bad investment.

Cos when it comes to women and money,

I'll tell you right now,

nothing dries up a p*ssy quicker

than a woman reaching for her wallet.

There is something about

a woman reaching for her wallet

that just dries up the vagina.

It's almost like the wallet

is sending a signal to the p*ssy

that this man is not

worthy of getting wet for.

And later on,

when you go to the gynaecologist,

he's like, "Oh, my God,

you've been paying for sh*t.

"Another $500, you gonna be in menopause."

Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.

Men cannot go backwards sexually.

Can't do it.

Once we get the sex we like,

that's how the f*** we roll.

We get stubborn in our old age.

We're like, "I like my coffee like this,

"I like my steak like this

and I like to f*** like this.

"And if you ain't f***ing like I'm

f***ing, then get the f*** out."

Ladies, don't get mad at us.

Don't get mad at us.

Get mad at our ex-girlfriend.

She's the one that spoiled it for everybody.

The ex-girlfriend that did everything,

she f***ed it up for everybody.

Call up one day, you're like,

"You did what? You licked his ass?

"Now he want everybody to lick his ass.

Thanks a lot, b*tch."

That's right. Ladies, your man is nastier

than you ever imagined.

Your man has been watching porno

since he was 12 years old.

He has pornographic images in his head

and he wants to relive some of this sh*t

before he drops dead.

That's right, ladies.

Get up on it. Get up on it.

Listen to what the f*** I'm about to say, OK?

Just because he came

don't mean you made him come.

Did you hear what the f*** I just said?

Just because he came

does not mean you made him come.

Every man in this room

got two levels of come.

Every man in here got two levels of come.

And level one comes out easy,

it comes out like ketchup,

"Drip, drip, drip, drip,

"drip, drip, drip,

drip, drip, drip, drip..."

Just say "come" and it comes out.

"Drip, drip, drip, drip."

But level two?

If we got a woman doing

the precise nasty sh*t we like,

wearing the nasty sh*t we want her to wear,

saying the nasty sh*t we want her to say,

it will shoot out like a civil rights hose...

"Free at last! Free at last!"

It'll take a f***ing eye out.

That's right. That's right.

Ladies, that's right, that's why you got to be

very careful about what you introduce in bed.

Ain't no such thing as

one time when it comes to sex,

cos if we like it, it's on the menu.

That's right. You got to be very careful.

You can't be like,

"Ooh, I'm a wear high heels tomorrow."

No, you gonna wear high heels every day.

If I ever see the bottom of your

feet again, this relationship is over.

Like, "Ooh, I'm a do a girl for your birthday."

No, you gonna do a girl every day.

You better get some

bunk beds in this motherf***er.

Sh*t, I remember the first time I ever had a girl

suck the come out of my dick and swallow.

Oh!

That felt so good, I could read Arabic.

I was breaking down the Da Vinci code.

And right then, I said, "Spitters are quitters.

"Spitters are quitters!"

There are a lot of women in here grossed out,

"Come in the mouth?

That's f***ing disgusting.

"You always want to come

in my f***ing mouth.

"Get the f*** out.

You better call that ass-licking girl.

"You are not coming in my mouth.

F*** that."

Yeah, half the women in here are grossed out,

and the other half are

in loving relationships.

I'm out of here. Y'all take care.

Thank you!

Awesome. Chris f***ing rocks.

It was brilliant. My cheeks

are actually hurting me now.

Chris rocks!

- It was awesome.

- Excellent. It was excellent.

The best show I have ever seen.

Fabulous.

He was great. He come over from the States,

he come to the UK, he was the top dog.

He's the f***ing...

He is the man. He is the man.

I want to marry you, Rock.

Will you marry me?

No, it was excellent.

It was great. We had a great time.

Amazing, brother. Amazing. Humbled.

Do it again. Come back again.

- Awesome.

- Fantastic.

Best show ever, yeah.

Very good. Very, very, very good.

Don't need antidepressant any more

after listening to him.

It was wicked, man. I haven't

laughed non-stop like that in ages.

- It was wicked.

- It was awesome.

- Chris, you rock.

- We love you!

Chris Rock, man, rocked.

- Brilliant.

- Chris Rock is amazing.

It was wicked, man. Really funny.

Awesome!

Fabulous. Fantastic.

- Fantastico!

- Great. Hilarious.

Awesome. Awesome.

My cheeks are sore.

Brilliant, brilliant.

It was brilliant. Fantastic.

- It was sick. He was crazy.

- Awesome.

- Excellent.

- Fantastic.

- Great.

- Great. It was great.

It was brilliant. Really good.

- Fantastic. Awesome.

- Perfect, perfect, perfect.

I love you, Chris Rock.

You rock! You rock!

It was absolutely fantastic.

Chris Rock's a beast, man!

- He is crazy!

- He's wicked.

Pretty sweet.

- It was fantastic.

- Excellent. Yeah.

Lived up to his reputation. He was great.

- Brilliant.

- Funny. He was brilliant.

Come back again, Chris.

- Chris Rock rocks!

- He rocks!

He's the best.

We're all in happier relationships.

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