Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #7

When a woman wants something, she goes,

"Damn, I want that. I want it bad.

"I gotta figure out

who I could get to get me that."

Big differences, man. Women want a lot, man.

Women want you to get on one knee and go,

"I love you more

than anything else in the world,

"I think you're the most beautiful,

intelligent creature on earth,

"and I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you."

But we ain't saying that.

We're not saying that

unless we really f***ed up bad!

We gonna keep that one in our back pocket.

We're not gonna just break it out

on a Tuesday.

Ladies, if you ever hear

a man talking that sh*t,

he might have f***ed your sister.

OK?

Ladies, do you know what the most romantic

words a man could say to you?

The most romantic words a man

will ever say to you are these words...

"I ain't going nowhere."

It don't get no more romantic than...

"I ain't going nowhere."

You know why? Cos when a man says,

"I ain't going nowhere,"

what he's trying to tell you is,

"I've actually thought about going somewhere.

"I talked to a lawyer. I looked at a place.

"And I realised I'm gonna go through

this same sh*t with the next girl,

"so why not just stay here

and be miserable with you?"

"I ain't going nowhere."

You in there.

So much difference

between men and women, man.

One of the biggest differences

between men and women,

men are actually happy when women go out

with their girlfriends and have a good time.

When you go out with your girlfriends

and have a good time, we're happy for you.

You come home and go, "Me and my

girlfriends are gonna see Sex And The City."

We're like, "Great!

Now I don't have to take you to see that sh*t."

"Why don't you go see

Mamma Mia while you're at it?"

And you go see it and you come back,

you're like, "Sex And The City was so good.

"You shoulda saw the wedding!

"Carrie got married to Big.

I can't believe it!"

And we're f***ing happy for you.

We're happy for you.

But it don't work the other way around.

Women never want us to have a good time.

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Fellas, if your woman come home from work

and you got a smile on your face

that she didn't put there,

she gets suspicious.

"What the f*** you smiling about?

"I ain't f***ed you in three weeks.

What the f*** you smiling about?"

That's right, fellas, when you go out with your

boys and your woman says, "How was it?"

Just go, "It was all right."

Cos if you go beyond "all right",

you gonna be in a fight.

You can't be like, "Baby, it was unbelievable.

"I had the best time of my life.

"A-Rod hit a home run

in the bottom of the ninth.

"I couldn't believe it!"

Watch what happens the next day.

You waitin' for your food. No f***ing food.

"Baby, what's up with the food?"

"Why don't you tell

A-Rod to cook you some?

"Your f***in' boyfriend, A-Rod."

Yeah, man, women want it all.

So many f***ing differences.

A lot of dates tonight. A lot of dates.

A lot of men took women out tonight

they haven't even f***ed yet.

Say, "I'm gonna take her to see Chris Rock.

"I'm gonna close this deal

with some Chris Rock tickets."

Yeah. Yeah. 10/ of that p*ssy is mine.

Save me a lick or something, OK?

Every man in here

that's with a woman he hasn't f***ed yet,

is all thinking the same thing...

"When do I whip it out?

"Do I just shove her hand down there

when we kiss good night

"and watch her move it

like she got cerebral palsy or some sh*t?

"Do I put it on a tray like an appetiser?

"Sprinkle some parsley around there?

"'Bone apptit! '

"How should the lighting be?

"Should I put some Vaseline

or some lotion on it?"

Can't just whip out an ashy dick, right?

And then once you whip it out,

there's always the chance that

the woman goes, "Could you put that back?

"Could you put that?" Sh*t, you know

how hard it is to get a dick back in the pants?

A f***ing black dick? God damn!

What the f***?

Your dick is out there on a false alarm.

Then your dick looks up at you like,

"What the f*** was you thinking?

"Got me out here for this bullshit."

That never happens to women.

Women never whip out a titty and hear,

"Hey, put that titty back.

"If I'd known you was whipping out titties,

I wouldn't have come upstairs.

"Put the titty back.

"Are we gonna watch this movie or what?"

The other f***ed-up thing is, guys, once

we whip it out, we never know what we got.

We never know if it's big or not,

cos women lie to us about our d*cks so much,

we don't know what the f*** we got.

Cos when a woman's in love,

your dick's huge.

And the more they hate you,

the smaller your f***ing dick gets.

So you don't know what the f*** you got.

You all disillusioned. Your sh*t is bigger

and smaller. You don't know what you got.

You walking around with the big-dick walk

with the little dick and sh*t.

Walking like this...

when you should be walking like this...

We don't know what the f*** we got.

I don't know what I got.

I mean, I'm lucky.

I'm skinny, so I got a little backdrop.

And everything looks bigger

against a little backdrop.

Like if you wide,

it looks like your dick's at sea and sh*t.

I don't know what the f*** I got.

But you know how you can tell

if a woman think you got a big dick?

You know how you can tell if a woman

think you got a big dick?

After you whip it out,

she just starts looking at it.

And then she says under her breath,

"Hello."

That's the universal big-dick greeting.

Like, "Hey, hey, welcome to Pussonia.

"We got a lot of work for you."

Men and women, so many f***ing...

differences between men and women, man.

So many f***ing differences.

The biggest difference between men

and women, one of the biggest differences,

men cannot go backwards sexually.

Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.

Can't f***ing do it.

Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.

They can't do it. That's right.

They can't do it.

I don't care...

The best woman can't f***ing do it.

Can't f***ing do it.

They can't do it, can't do it.

Fellas, you ever gone through

some hard times with your woman?

You lose your job or something?

Your woman tries to console you, "Hey, baby,

don't worry. We gonna get through this.

"I know we got bills, but if we gotta get rid of

some sh*t, we will get rid of some of this sh*t."

She's talking about you.

Can't do it.

Fellas, if you lose your job,

you gonna lose your woman.

That's right. She may not leave the day

you lose it, but the countdown has begun.

Women can't do it.

Ladies, remember the first time

you ever dated a guy with his own car?

Remember that sh*t? You was leaving the club,

your girlfriends got on the bus,

you were like, "Bye, b*tches.

"I'll see y'all later.

"I'm getting in this warm-ass car."

And from that moment on, you were like,

"You better have a car.

"You ain't getting this p*ssy without a car.

"I am not getting on the f***ing bus

in February. F*** that."

And that's how the f*** you roll

for the rest of your life.

Ladies, remember the first time you

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