Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg Page #6

with yourself at work?

You ever play the time game where you go,

"I'm not gonna look at

my watch for two hours.

"That's right.

I'm a sit here and scrape these shrimp."

Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape

scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,

scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape.

"OK, an hour's passed.

"Maybe I should look...

"and feel good.

"No, f*** that. I'm a

wait a whole another hour."

Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,

scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,

scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,

scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape.

"All right, two hours passed.

"Time to look and feel good about myself."

And you look.

"F***! 15 minutes."

You ever been so miserable at work

that you spend extra time

just sitting on the toilet?

You don't even have your pants down,

you're just like...

"I hate this f***ing job.

"I hate it!"

People around you taking smelly shits.

That don't even faze you.

You're like, "I don't give a f***.

"You keep shittin' cos I ain't quitting."

You know how you can tell

you got a real bad job?

When they give you

that half-hour lunch break.

Whoo! There's nothing worse than

a half-hour lunch break to a grown person.

"Why don't you just get a little spoon and

give me some apple sauce while you're at it?"

A half-hour lunch break.

By the time you put on your jacket,

walk around the corner,

go to the sandwich spot,

order a sandwich,

wait for them to make it,

then get in another line to pay for it,

28 minutes have passed.

Now you rushing back to work,

you're eating your sandwich,

spilling beer down your shirt.

When you get in, your boss got the nerve

to go, "Hey, you're eight minutes late."

"F*** you!"

Do you realise even criminals in jail

get an hour lunch break?

Like, "Can I at least eat like a murderer?

"I bet if I shot your ass,

I could finish this sandwich."

But you gotta work.

Gotta work. We all gotta work.

We all gotta work. Why?

We spend money on things

we used to get for free.

We spend money on things

we used to get for free like...

water.

You could still get free water,

but nobody does it.

That's right,

we spend money on water,

buying bottled f***ing water.

Do you know how many people

on earth right now are dying of thirst?

How many people walk 10 and 20 miles

to get some fresh water?

And we so f***ing spoiled,

we buy bottled water.

Do you know what it means

if you buy bottled water?

That means you only use tap water

on your ass.

And you wonder why people

want to blow us the f*** up.

We got ass water, that's why.

They dying of thirst, we be like,

"I gotta wash my ass. I gotta wash it."

F***, man.

You know why they call it tap water?

Cos you just tap it on your nuts, that's why.

Man. Bottled water, man. You know

the craziest thing we spend money on?

The craziest thing... We all done it.

You done it. I done it. We all done it.

The craziest thing we spend money on...

ringtones.

The phone used to ring for free.

But "bring-bring" just wasn't good enough

for some of y'all.

"I need a ring that expresses who I am.

"I need to hear SexyBack

when my phone rings."

And now they got us. Now they got us.

We gonna have ringtones

for the rest of our lives.

People, "No, we're not." Oh yes, we are.

I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen

in this crazy George Bush deregulated world

we live in.

Here's what's going to happen...

The phone company is going to buy

the ringtone company

and then they gonna start selling us phones

that don't f***ing ring.

They gonna make you buy a ringtone

or else you're gonna have to guess

when your phone is ringing.

"Hello? Hello?

"Hello? Hello?

I pick it up every four minutes just in case.

"Hello? Hello?

"Damn, I need to buy SexyBack."

But you gotta get your money right.

You got to get your money right.

Men, you must get your money right.

Men, you hear me?

You have to get your money right.

It's important for men

to get their money right.

Women, it's important for you to get your money

right, but not as important as it is for us.

Why, women? Cos no one

will ever not f*** you cos you're broke.

Your p*ssy will never be turned down

for financial reasons.

It ain't gonna happen.

That's right. P*ssy's like Visa,

accepted everywhere.

That's right. Next time you don't got no cash,

go, "Do you take p*ssy?"

"Of course we take p*ssy.

"Who doesn't take p*ssy?

"How much p*ssy you got?"

Sh*t.

Brother, I love being a man,

but I just wish I had a p*ssy.

I really do. I wish I had a p*ssy

just for negotiation purposes.

Just so when I'm negotiating a deal,

I could put that motherf***er on the table,

"What about now?"

"It's a deal."

Yeah, man.

It's hard being a man today.

Hard being a man today.

Why's it so hard to be a man?

Cos nobody cares about men.

Nobody gives a f*** about men.

You see a homeless man

on the street with a dog,

you feel sorry for the dog.

Say, "We got to get that dog some food."

"What about the man?"

"Oh, f*** him."

Say, every night on TV,

I see there's a new missing woman.

"We gotta find Carole. Where's Carole?

"We must find Carole.

Carole didn't come home last night.

"Where the f*** is Carole?"

I never seen one of these things

for a missing man yet.

It's like, "Bob didn't come home last night."

"Good.

"I hope he never comes home.

"Probably out f***ing Carole somewhere."

That's right, hard being a man today.

Why's it so hard being a man?

Cos you got to deal with today's woman.

Today's woman. And today's woman

is a hard one to deal with, boy.

What's the show all the women watch today?

Desperate Housewives.

Desperate Housewives.

Bunch of women living in nice houses.

Some of them don't even work.

They all cheat on their husbands.

They need to change the name of that show

from Desperate Housewives

to Ungrateful B*tches.

Every week, they f*** the pool boy,

the gardener,

and he can f*** real good too.

You know why? Cos he don't have

a full-time job, that's why.

Sh*t, I could f*** that good too if I had

an extra eight hours to work on my stroke.

You know what? I'm not even that good in

bed. I don't give a f***. My bills are paid.

"You better let this security

make your titties tingle."

Sh*t. I have never knocked out

the p*ssy in my life.

I've never knocked out the p*ssy in my life.

I've won by decision.

That's right. Two out of every five times

I f*** you is good.

Two out of five.

Them other three are horrible.

But just when you're ready to pack your sh*t,

I give you a good one.

"Where'd that come from?"

"Viagra."

That's right, man. What do women want?

What the f*** do women want?

Everything. Everything.

Everything.

All around the world,

it's the same answer -

everything, everything, everything.

That's right, man.

Only women could get away with that answer.

Nobody else is allowed to say "everything".

When a man wants something,

he goes, "Damn, I want that.

"I want it bad. I got to figure out

what I got to do to get that."

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